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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Hesitate to Breathe (revised)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Amberdy
    ASL Info:    21/F/TX
    Elite Ratio:    4.4 - 238/227/58
    Words: 127
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 297
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 833



    Description:
       I've posted this one before, but I've made just a few changes. Maybe this will read a little bit better. Let me know what you think of it. I'm open for any comments, ideas or suggestions. Thanks. -Amber


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHesitate to Breathe (revised)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    In the deadness of this barren room,
    My unmerciful mind spills a thought or two
    And the expressionless night keeps me alive
    As I wait, debate, and hesitate
    just to breathe again
    ...Unwilling to disrupt the stillness
    confining my every move
    aware that only one dull movement
    holds the possibility
    of extinguishing the whole of it all
    to leave my unfurnished mind
    aimlessly searching, yet again.
    All weariness eases away
    as I trace back to yesterday
    Recalling every move that was made
    without a glimpse of hesitation
    You ease into my mind, my thoughts,
    ...this dream
    And I must have lost what it was
    that briefly seemed so much more important
    And you wait
    As I hesitate to breathe




    Submitted on 2004-10-11 21:58:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hey, Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on both "Heitate to Breathe (revised)" and "Mr. Forlorn." I'm glad you liked them. Also, thank you for your suggestions.
    Amber
    | Posted on 2005-04-18 00:00:00 | by Amberdy | [ Reply to This ]
      Good job, I didn't read the original version so I don't have anything to compare this to. It reads well and isn't overly complicated. It's amazing how someone can be so all encompassing and doesn't allow you to think of anything else :P...The only suggestion I can think of is using a different word to describe the night in the beggining:
    And the expressionless night keeps me alive
    I dunno, expressionless just didn't seem to fit for me. But I always try to find SOMETHING to critique (yes, even if I have to nit pick :P) But that was the only minute thing I could think of in an excellent write!

    keep up the good writing
    Stw
    | Posted on 2005-04-18 00:00:00 | by Stwcjj | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey I like this tho. The an unmericiful mind spilling out its lack of mercy so nonchalantly but so purposefully as well. I'ma have to come back to this one honestly, cuz this is the end of a long and uneventful night, but if I should perhaps stop drinking (I shouldn't) then maybe you should start (you also shouldn't) judging by this.
    shard
    | Posted on 2004-12-23 00:00:00 | by particularshard | [ Reply to This ]
      I also didn't read the first edition. I haven't submitted too many poems. Many of mine are too private to me! This was a wonderful poem. I ususally don't like long poems but htis one kept me interested. Great Job. Please check out "MY DEMONS" by me aldergrovegal
    I think you might like it.
    | Posted on 2004-10-12 00:00:00 | by aldergrovegal | [ Reply to This ]
      okay that was completely accidental, posting my response here. I put it in the wrong place. Sorry guys. lol, I'm such a dork.
    | Posted on 2004-10-11 00:00:00 | by Amberdy | [ Reply to This ]
      lol, thanks for your comment on "hesitate to breathe", or rather the comment on the fact that I rewrote it. But I'm still curious to know what you thought about it...? Thanks for taking the time to read it though.
    | Posted on 2004-10-11 00:00:00 | by Amberdy | [ Reply to This ]
      This comment, im sorry, is not so much about your poem, rather the fact that you took the time to rethink, rewrite, and repost a past work... that is a strong quality to a great poet. You should be proud!
    | Posted on 2004-10-11 00:00:00 | by B Adams | [ Reply to This ]
      You create a wonderful atmosphere in this. What is it that you are thinking of in the beginning? That got extinguished. Very interesting piece.
    | Posted on 2004-11-17 00:00:00 | by soadman | [ Reply to This ]



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