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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sundownerdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: blueorchids
    ASL Info:    30/F/California
    Elite Ratio:    6.43 - 1096/928/91
    Words: 153
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1172
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1041



    Description:
       Fuel - "shimmer" i love the way the rhymes of this fall over one another, like straw colored stick straight hair in a cute guy's devil take it green eyes.

    become more than you are.

    EDITED: for good suggestions.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSundownerdots
    -------------------------------------------


    i cut my biting mouth on
    a James Dean Rebel.
    a toxin, a fantasy too delicious, he was
    meticulous in his arrangement of
    sensuous dull fires about my tired landscapes,
    demeaning me, feeding me beautifully
    from the other side of thick plexiglass,
    already frosted with dirty gray winter chill.

    i skinned my begging knees on
    a Cary Grant Rogue.
    a charmer, a grade of silk too much a whisper
    (an instinctive, see-you-in-the-morning kisser)
    on the reticent skin left bare and beheld
    under that simple obsidian city dress
    that fell too fast to the floor from my breasts
    a burnished, sure hand on my exteriors.

    but now that it's sundown, shimmer shades of
    waning spectrums of poisons, choices and chances,
    i find myself needing more
    than a symbiotic relationship, an addiction more
    than a scrape above survival.
    let's make this more than mutual and

    evolve.




    Submitted on 2004-10-13 02:03:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      beautifly written it sounds a bit confuseing though. it is verry rare to find such deep thaughts in such a short writing. but honestly try to be a little more clear
    | Posted on 2005-10-21 00:00:00 | by sweet sorenity | [ Reply to This ]
      ahhhh so great. i have no idea who these people are except i have heard of them before. the great thing is that it doesn't matter because you do such a great job of laying out their personalities in such a short series of words. beautiful imagery and such. yup yup. i'm not sorry to read something i can't improve upon (or, well, even write). i absoloutely loved the last three lines. and the title too. bliss.
    | Posted on 2005-08-10 00:00:00 | by lukewarm | [ Reply to This ]
      This was really beautiful. It's not so much the specific meaning behind it for me, just the wording and the use of words that were selected within it. Seemed to be more intelligent than average poetry and that's something I can really appreciate.
    | Posted on 2004-12-12 00:00:00 | by gavinspikenard | [ Reply to This ]
      Beheld is correct. Beholden is an old past participle that's no longer used, so it's ok now. I'll have to type something meaningless to make this long enough to post.
    | Posted on 2004-10-13 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      I love this! The imagery is very vivid. I can relate to this too. I've been in a few codependent relationships, and they are so unhealthy. I think I'd change "beholden" to "beheld" since it's archaic.
    | Posted on 2004-10-13 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
      The fast pace of the piece and the "throw caution to the wind" feel had all the elements of a one-night stand. It was exciting for the moment and then came the second-thoughts and the longing for commitment, once lust was satiated.

    A most interesting ride.
    | Posted on 2004-10-13 00:00:00 | by The Gadfly | [ Reply to This ]
      wow.. this had such a flow to it.. carried me along to the end perfectly. I haven't read much of your work, i think i'll correct that :)
    | Posted on 2004-10-13 00:00:00 | by wilderness | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the straightforwardness of this poem, it makes it incredibly likeable, like you're just laying your cards on the table. I like it a lot. It moves beautifully & the whole thing is fluid - especially like the description of the dress in the second stanza. It's beautiful in a really unfussy way. I actually can't think of anything that could make this better. Everything fits.

    Becky
    | Posted on 2004-10-13 00:00:00 | by SugarMouse | [ Reply to This ]
      woah... this just kinda stops... but i reals like it... i love james dean and cary grant! i reals do! i loved the dress falling too fast... the instinctive see-you-in-the-morning kisser but yet... theres gotta be more to it all than that... lets evlove... what an AMAZING thought... make it more than mutual... mutual can be good but theres so much more you just gotta want it and go for it... this is a very awesome write and your right about the rhymes and all... brilliant my orchids girl!
    | Posted on 2004-10-13 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Evolving through your relationships with real men or just film idols?
    "Cut biting mouth and skinned begging knees"
    I would not change anything either accept for the smallcase i? But then maybe that added to it? Neat!
    | Posted on 2004-10-13 00:00:00 | by Jess | [ Reply to This ]
      whoa for the ending, like you said about the rhymes it set up the ending perfectly, they pulled me along and then it was over and I was like whoa go back a minute and i let the ending sink in...a ride like james dean took;) I like james dean..cary grant..well hell i had to stop and think of who he was first:P

    the only advice i can give(i TRY but it's always halfass..) is maybe the last stanza make "more" the last word of lines 3 and 4.
    | Posted on 2004-10-13 00:00:00 | by joe quinn | [ Reply to This ]
      The poem is quite good, but do you want to know what the best part is? "I love the way the rhymes of this fall over one another, like straw colored stick straight hair in a cute guy's devil take it green eyes." Now if you could work that line in there, even make it the theme and write about the writing about the events rather than the events themselves, I think that would work really well. Not? Oh well, I'll return just to read that one line anytime. Eyes...fascinating how beautiful they can be, mesmerising, hypnotic. OK, OK I'm outa here.
    | Posted on 2004-10-19 00:00:00 | by Lelik | [ Reply to This ]
      Somehow you make us extras in your movies.
    Your language is odd and it fits perfectly into the world you inhabit - some parallel universe you write about here. It's the sort of place you go when eyes are half shut with want and ears close down and the smell of the smog is as amyl nitrate.
    I think your writing has gone from strength to strength and it's all the better for the almost guileless way you describe the things that fill your head.
    Lewis Carroll meets Tennesee Williams meets Erica Jong:

    I am thinking of the onion again, with its two O mouths,
    like the gaping holes in nobody. Of the outer skin, pinkish
    brown, peeled to reveal a greenish sphere, bald as a dead
    planet, glib as glass, & an odor almost animal. I consider
    its ability to draw tears, its capacity for self-scrutiny,
    flaying itself away, layer on layer, in search of its heart
    which is simply another region of skin, but deeper &
    greener. I remember Peer Gynt; I consider its sometimes
    double heart. Then I think of despair when the onion
    searches its soul & finds only its various skins; & I think
    of the dried tuft of roots leading nowhere & the parched
    umbilicus, lopped off in the garden. Not self-righteous
    like the proletarian potato, nor a siren like the apple. No
    show-off like the banana. But a modest, self-effacing
    vegetable, questioning, introspective, peeling itself away,
    or merely radiating halos like lake ripples. I consider it
    the eternal outsider, the middle child, the sad analysand
    of the vegetable kingdom. Glorified only in France (other-
    wise silent sustainer of soups & stews), unloved for itself
    alone-no wonder it draws our tears! Then I think again
    how the outer peel resembles paper, how soul & skin
    merge into one, how each peeling strips bare a heart
    which in turn turns skin...

    From fruits and vegetables...
    | Posted on 2004-10-29 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]


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