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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Breathingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: JimweiZERO
    Elite Ratio:    5.38 - 1500/844/80
    Words: 320
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Longing
    Total Views: 968
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2111



    Description:
       I think its time for another submssion. Though it is not directly opposite to "Underwater" had the idea of writing a piece about suffocating and then one about breathing. There's a prize for the people who can guess which one this piece is about...

    I hope it doesn't disappoint anybody...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBreathingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Another day has gone away
    Another lifetime has gone by
    I see your face in the mirror
    As I, know now you were right.

    Inside of me is breaking down
    All I see of you right now
    Is someone I can only wish to be with,
    But despite how I try
    There's the fire in your eyes
    That used to burn it's way right through me.

    Can't you see I'm in this mess?
    Fitting the pieces that you left,
    Can you say you'd do the same for me?
    Just thinking how you just said "no"
    Takes my river's reason just to flow,
    Because now I only live to breath again...

    And everyday now
    Since the time you said:
    "It doesn't matter anymore to me..."

    I inhale, exhale for you,
    And even now I'm breathing
    Just to hear your name again
    With it floating around my head
    And has left me underwater,
    But I'm breathing...

    Another sun has gone down
    Another star has lost it's shine
    I hear your voice as the wind blows,
    As I, hate all the past of mine.

    Outside, the world is burning down
    All I see with you is doubt
    Though you're the only one I wish to be with,
    But despite how I try
    There's that fire in your eyes
    That used to burn it's way right through me.

    Can't you see I'm dying here?
    Now I'm not all that I appear
    There's always more beneath the surface,
    I'm thinking as I lose the light
    I'm hoping as I lose my sight
    Because I only live to breath again...

    And everyday now
    Since the time you said:
    "It doesn't matter anymore to me..."

    I inhale, exhale for you,
    And even now I'm breathing
    Just to hear your name again
    With it floating around my head
    And has left me underwater,
    But I'm breathing...




    Submitted on 2004-10-13 11:12:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i'm curious to know if this was inspired by anything other than what you said in the description. was there a girl you felt this for?? well if not then you've got to stop telling me how random i am and realize what this piece is!

    ...i know you wrote this a while ago but its simply beautiful, as you probably know. and in the wee hours of the morning i'm also wondering if you ever considered breaking away from rhyming, you should go crazy and just try it sometime.

    anyways back to the comment, this brought so many things to mind, movies, books, people i've met, and who i've never but always wanted to and i think this has a versatility that maybe you haven't realized either. it has some real potential that if you went back to the very original thought, i think you could rewrite it, a sort of more mature, still breathing but thinking back on you kind of thing. that would be brilliant! go along and write now that i've given you an idea hopefully anyways. but that too is besides the point, (i'm really sucking at giving you an actual comment here, my bad)

    so:

    this has a naivety to it, like you were beyond your years in thinking, but you still had to go through your age related feelings. and i think many people can relate to this. its heartbreaking to say the least but you've made it like one of those slow moving music videos where laughter is heard in the distance... god the imagery was wonderful! and let me tell you... it really did remind me of a hundred different things. and if this is empty writing.... where you've just set out without a muse, then damn what you would do if you had one.

    "But despite how I try
    There's that fire in your eyes
    That used to burn it's way right through me."

    i love the idea behind these lines!

    and i loved the ending, its a sort of sad but moving on because i have to feeling.

    well i dont really know where i'm going with this anymore but well done! although i really do think you could go back and add some depth and maturity to this one.


    steph
    | Posted on 2007-11-09 00:00:00 | by playcrackthesky | [ Reply to This ]
      This is wonderful...I read some of your other poems...and this seem like it had to do witht he whole someone telling you your love meant nothing. Well I feel for you. You are a great writeR and you put your stuff out there so well. Great job.
    -Chrstina aka POETRY
    | Posted on 2006-04-11 00:00:00 | by POETRY | [ Reply to This ]
      i like picking random pieces. this seemed just regular poetry too me. poetic words. not lyrics. maybe not reading it right. but i never read "underwater" so guess ill read it. but too me it seems like the girl you love drowned you because you wont stop bothering her. weird i know but thats what i thought at first. but then my next view is the expression "lost your breathe for the girl" or whatever it was. honestly i didnt like this. i like your words usually i guess it doesnt interests me.

    I inhale, exhale for you,
    And even now I'm breathing
    Just to hear your name again
    With it floating around my head
    And has left me underwater,
    But I'm breathing...

    this just seemed desperate sappy love words. so i didnt like it.

    sorry. but ill read underwater and see how that one is.

    -soomie
    | Posted on 2005-04-14 00:00:00 | by poeticblindness | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok, here I go again (just let me know if I ever go too far :)). As for lyrics: it's very nice. I can feel the melody of sentences, it's alive, it has got it's own personality and flavour. Nice. I think it doesn't have to be that long... you have this strange tendence to repeat your statements - in an other form, while the content stays the same. Anyway, it's very good and deserves a high note.

    Greg

    PS. I think you would enjoy Kate Bush song titled "BREATHING". All best.
    | Posted on 2004-11-15 00:00:00 | by Nightraven | [ Reply to This ]
      Another masterpeice, great job.Once again you made it clear what you were talking about, breateing.This was beautifull, my favorite part was:
    another sun has gone down
    another star has lost it's shine
    I hear your voice as the wind blows
    As I, hate all the past of mine...

    Well ya' heard from me, you probably don't want me wastin' anymore of your time.So later!
    Camoflage
    | Posted on 2004-11-14 00:00:00 | by camoflage | [ Reply to This ]
      james this is some nice stuff! do you and your band try to sing any of your lyrics???if not you should!but anywho...i really hope you are doing well and hoping ill talk to ya on AIM sometime soon again!
    bren
    | Posted on 2004-10-14 00:00:00 | by Day DreaMeR | [ Reply to This ]
      If you're going to take out the "filler" words, post it up as a new poem because i bet by the tiime you're finished with editing it, it will look like a new poem. The most obvious subject that this poem is about, which is well-written and thought out by the way, is about that girl... that we talked about ;-)
    Take your own advice and breathe. Everything will turn out for the better, watch.
    Aken Sol
    | Posted on 2004-10-13 00:00:00 | by Aken Sol | [ Reply to This ]
      There's a lot of breathing going on so I guess it's not the suffocating piece then? I found it a bit too long and drawn out perhaps but with good imagery. Just to prove how different people can interpret the same thing... my fav line happens to be: "Takes my river's reason just to flow,". I was going to suggest you take 'just' out of the sentence. I think this poem will clean up very nicely. Well written.
    | Posted on 2004-10-13 00:00:00 | by Beulah | [ Reply to This ]
      The rhyming in this is very random...I can tell that you wrote this purely with emotion, which is fine, but now you need to go back and do some serious editing. Try not to say the same thing twice, and try to arrange the paragraphs from what looks like a random order into the basic "rules" of writing...which is an introduction, a story, a climax, an end. And either choose to rhyme or not...do not mix the two. You can express the same emotions in a more structured format and achieve a much better result.
    | Posted on 2004-10-13 00:00:00 | by Emerging Soul | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice idea... but first, and foremost, distil. Get rid of all the text you used as filler, and have just a set of emotions and events you are trying to get across. Then, come up with a poetic image or metaphor for each, then put it into a verse. String the verses together, adjust the wording to get the flow, maybe see if a rhyme scheme emerges, and there you go!
    A fantastic poem. Which this could very well be.
    ~me
    | Posted on 2004-10-13 00:00:00 | by whiteknight | [ Reply to This ]
      Another lifetime has gone by- maybe try: another life time has come to pass-because you used the word gone in the line above, it seems a little repetative. THe idea overall, and the message and feelings you are expressing are very good. I think it just needs to be cleaned up a bit, and maybe try to rearrange the words a bit to get more of a soft, hurting feeling. But overall excellent ideas and the writting will be amazing if it is spruced up a bit
    kaity
    | Posted on 2004-10-13 00:00:00 | by Kaitylizzy | [ Reply to This ]
      there are alot of words in here you don't need. cut it down some. I like this poem but it needs some work here and there. the emotion is well displayed but maybe there's a little to much repetition or redundancy. I like the last stanza the best, just as it is. keep up the good work!
    | Posted on 2004-10-13 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      Takes my river's reason just to flow,
    eek... what were you trying to say in this line (watch the grammer)

    With it floating around my head
    And has left me underwater,
    But I'm breathing
    This also brings a peculiar image to mind...so your drowning right?

    As I, hate
    Get rid of the comma

    As for the whole of the poem...i liked it. Just remember to keep breathing but hold your breath if you start sinking.
    | Posted on 2004-10-13 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      james this is beautiful... really beautiful. i loved it!!! intricate imagery, loads of emotion and captivating words. i agree with day dreamer your band should really play some of your songs cause this one's simply amazing.

    as for the improvements the only thing i can tell you is to get rid of the comma in the line "As i, hate..."

    but yeah this is going on my favs list, it is everything a good song should be. is the prize thingy for guessing which out of the two it is about?

    anyways i'm going to think about it too. but this is a great achievement on your part!!! hope everything's fine in your side of the world (which, as i see your journal isn't too encouraging)...

    till later dude... keep on breathing....

    ps - loved the opposite thinking

    pps - you rock!1

    ppps - please put some music to this!!!!

    Zu
    | Posted on 2004-10-23 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow that was really well written, you have a creative way of saying things and I like that. However every once in a while I felt it became to confusing. Maybe you could try and simplify certain parts of it, so that your song can make more sense. I really liked it though, and I will look at your stuff more often. GOod job.
    | Posted on 2004-10-26 00:00:00 | by TheHUGE | [ Reply to This ]
      This is such a thoughful poem, every word reacting with the next, impossible not to read it all the way through. Like looking into your window, it almost feels like I'm snooping. It just feels so personal, not aimed at me like some of your other stuff. This is lovely though.

    The only thing I don't really understand is your mixing of "themes". On one hand it's very old-school poetic: stars, rivers, sun etc. On the other it's very modern: can't you see I'm dying here and so on... Is this deliberate? Personally I like the modern feeling the most, but that's a personal taste
    | Posted on 2004-10-27 00:00:00 | by ParaGridD | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    27922

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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