Slice by wretched

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Submission Name: Slice dots

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Author:	wretched_muse
ASL Info:	20/f/OH
Elite Ratio:	4 - 182/205/64
Words:	102

Class/Type:	Poetry/Depressed
Total Views:	273
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	780

Description:
this has been a bad day, and the poem is going through the mind of some one whos cutting and winds up going to far. well tell me what you think, and tanks for just reading.

Slice

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It comes from the skin.
Just a little deeper now.
Ahh their.
Scarlet blood starts to flow.
Hitting the vein.
The core of life.
Your life.
Pouring out.
Drip by drip.
Still you go on.

Slice,
pain gone.
Slice slice,
years of hurtful words, gone.

Go on…
Slice,
no more fear.
Slice slice,
the calm comes.

To late now…
Slice,
heart slows.
Slice slice,
you become week.

Oh…
Slice,
can’t stop.
Slice slice,
no control.

Help…
Slice,
why.
Slice slice,
some one!

…

to late.

Submitted on 2004-10-13 16:56:07 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Okay, I commend you on your clear thoughts and portayl of what kind of mood you were in today...hehe. Anyways I think this scene is a little off beacuse when the person is slicing and calling out for help...erm seems a bit odd. I don't look at grammatical errors. I think If you thicken the poem a bit though, it will come out better.
| Posted on 2004-10-13 00:00:00 | by impassive sky | [ Reply to This ]
  slice is intresting as its an insight to your mind, but is this fantasy or reality? do you cut yourself? if this is reality, and i hope for your sake its not, then you need to express feelings more clearly about the release that is felt when the cut is made maybe a better ending then too late, maybe after thoughts on what you have done? ( the stanzas aren't placed well either and could do with a bit more work) given more time and emotion this could be a good piece
| Posted on 2004-10-13 00:00:00 | by lilmiznaughty04 | [ Reply to This ]
  ok i'm sorry... that was pretty harsh. ok. first.. the title of depression doesn't mean it's going to be a piece like this.. it doesn't mean it will be so barefaced. it can be a sweet melancholy as well as razorblades and slices. and second.. the typos:

should be 'ahh there' and 'pouring' in s one.

there maybe more. but i'm too tired.

keep writing, no matter what some pretentious dicks (me :) may say, always write, i know it helps like nothing else.
| Posted on 2004-10-13 00:00:00 | by wilderness | [ Reply to This ]
  yes a lil bit clichéd but screw that...its how you feel so as long as its true somewhat to your life then go for it...i actually havent seen one quite like this one..usually there all"take me away from this [censored]" but this is just all slicey...and i do love that word slice...anywayyy...i think that it was good..the first stanza thing was def the best...the others are a tad...ermm lacking i guess the word is compared to the first...for this one you should def edit it and and some more emo to it...cuz its a lil flat...but it has great potential...yeaaa...so ill be checkin out ur page later keep up the good writes..
~eternal darkness~
| Posted on 2004-10-13 00:00:00 | by eternaldarkness | [ Reply to This ]
  (before I start i do understand how hard life can seem sometimes, these comments are about the piece itself, nothing more :)

typos all over. and this is a mess. a total cliché. can't you use your imagination a little? ok, maybe too harsh.. but how many of these suicide-note poems do i have to read.. oh well.. you upped my ratio, thanks for that..
| Posted on 2004-10-13 00:00:00 | by wilderness | [ Reply to This ]

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