Why by Star_searcher

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Submission Name: Why dots

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Author:	Star_searcher
ASL Info:	17/F/UK
Elite Ratio:	4.25 - 114/109/20
Words:	176

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	367
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	995

Description:
The piece is not supposed to have a pattern of rhyme, grammar or even structure, as this is supposed to represent the messed up thinking you experience when having your heart broken. I know it may not be perfect but I would like some feedback on the ideas in the poem please.

Why

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After everything you said to me how can this be
The person that told me he loved me, would never leave me
Has left me.
You said you couldn't be without me,
I was the best thing in your life,
But how could you have meant it now you're causing me all this strife.
The pain is unbearable,
You can't even imagine.
How can this, how can this be.
HOW CAN IT BE?!! The person that told me I meant everything to him is causing me all this pain?!
Of all the people in the world I never thought it would be you doing this to me.
I'll never understand it,
I suppose I'll have to try,
But I can't get it out of my head ... why why
I hope you never experience this unbearable ache,
I hope you never trust someone so much just to have it all thrown in your face.
And yet I still love you and will do for some time,
But in the end I know .... I'll be fine.

Submitted on 2004-10-14 17:20:59 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I enjoyed your poem, sometimes the "raw"energy of any particular write gets lost in rewrite. when raw emotions come out, write'm down just the way they come out! could it be that the person it's written to/about is one of those people that just say what they think you want to hear, instead of real feelings? You'll be fine! let the ink flow! Denny
| Posted on 2004-10-15 00:00:00 | by TeddyD | [ Reply to This ]
  This poem has the basic founding that all good poems need, but since it is about such a commonly discussed subject, in order to make it interesting to read, it needs to be refined and put into an original format. Here is an example about what you might do to rewrite it.

After everything
you said to me. . .
HOW CAN THIS BE?

The person that told me he loved me
who told me he would never leave me
HAS LEFT ME IN THE DARKNESS.

You said you weren't complete without me
You said I was your favorite part of existance
THEN WHY ARE YOU HURTING ME?

These are just some ideas. . . welcome to the site, by the way. If you need anything, I'm here!
-Secret
| Posted on 2004-10-14 00:00:00 | by secret moon | [ Reply to This ]
  This... is a very beautiful poem. I disagree with Delirium on how he/she said that "if" you revised it, it would be a good poem. It already is a good poem. It sounds so much more... real like this. Raw. All of your emotions bleed through the paper for everyone to see, and that's what poetry it supposed to be like! Don't revise, spell check, or do anything to this poem. It's already good! Keep on writing, and I'll be looking for your next write! Bye-byes
<3 JaDe
["Sometimes I just wanna sit back and watch the days go by."]
| Posted on 2004-10-14 00:00:00 | by RealityTears | [ Reply to This ]
  There is a spelling error, but the main idea gets across. If you wanted to then you could work a bit more on it and it would probably turn out really good. I'm sure a lot of people can relate to this piece, and I like how at the end you say that you know you will be fine.
| Posted on 2004-10-14 00:00:00 | by Delirium | [ Reply to This ]

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