Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Lifedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: brokenmuse
    ASL Info:    26/F/AL
    Elite Ratio:    3.29 - 756/734/161
    Words: 162
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 855
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1096



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLifedots
    -------------------------------------------


    How does it feel
    To walk around smug
    In stiletto heels
    Over a grave that you dug?

    And then sell your soul
    Just to make ends meet
    Spiralling out of control
    Happiness a great feat!?!

    Whoring yourself out
    For each dollar you earn
    Choking on doubts
    From all the times you've been burned?

    Don't tell me
    That you feel alright
    You can't fool me
    I hear you crying at night.

    Worrying about bills
    And your kids education
    Complancency that kills
    Crying over your own deprivation

    You think life's unfair
    Your damn straight on that
    But do you think that I care
    That I worry about that?

    You should wake with a smile
    And then plant a kiss
    On the face of your child
    Who you'll one day miss.

    Don't let life drag you down
    And kill all your dreams
    Or wear a sad frown
    When it comes apart at the seams.




    Submitted on 2004-03-06 20:33:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is prety good, as others have said, needs only a fine tuning to become a real gem The part i have trouble with..is the last stanza.."Or wear a sad frown"..seems like a glued on phrase..I liked the overall imagery of this stanza and "When it comes apart at the seams"...just that one line seems so forced.....I really like the poem, ..that's the ONE part i feel needs tightening. Silver
    | Posted on 2004-03-08 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      the poem starts well... i liked the odea behind it and it has a nice rhythm to it. but the ending needs a little more work.
    | Posted on 2004-03-06 00:00:00 | by Judy | [ Reply to This ]
      lose the repeat in the first stanza of 'around'.... 'Over a grave that you dug' reads alot better and feels like less than forced rhyme... you need to rework the ending and make it more of an ending - it feels like you are empathetic to this person, letting us listen in on the phone call while you preach to her, but the line gets cut off and we dont get to hear the rest... unfinished ending.... rework that and the repeat and this will be an exceptionally well written poem
    | Posted on 2004-03-06 00:00:00 | by Crash | [ Reply to This ]
      A couple of the longer lines could be tightened to conform to your structure..basic rhythm is good, though, and I like your imagery..Actually like the idea of a wife selling herself out in marriage. Think one revision will polish it off.
    jan
    | Posted on 2004-03-06 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      aaah, if only life were simple eh? nice message, nice story behind the words.
    solid work.
    | Posted on 2004-03-06 00:00:00 | by XxMusikJunkiexX | [ Reply to This ]
      i really liked this. prostitutation sucks... i mean, i wouldn't know, it's just my belief, but some ppl feel that it's the only thing to do.
    | Posted on 2004-03-06 00:00:00 | by Cai | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this..good rhyme scheme...Nice imagery...i got it and im sleepy, thats a good one in itself..lol
    | Posted on 2004-03-06 00:00:00 | by TastemyTears | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    2838

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    World I No Longer Want written by ForgottenGraves
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    Giving written by jjd
    untitled written by Chelebel
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Fasade written by jackz
    Linger written by saartha
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Push written by JanePlane
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Every..... written by jackz
    Brigit written by endlessgame23
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Bond written by saartha

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry