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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Lifedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: brokenmuse
    ASL Info:    26/F/AL
    Elite Ratio:    3.29 - 756/734/161
    Words: 162
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 845
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1096



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLifedots
    -------------------------------------------


    How does it feel
    To walk around smug
    In stiletto heels
    Over a grave that you dug?

    And then sell your soul
    Just to make ends meet
    Spiralling out of control
    Happiness a great feat!?!

    Whoring yourself out
    For each dollar you earn
    Choking on doubts
    From all the times you've been burned?

    Don't tell me
    That you feel alright
    You can't fool me
    I hear you crying at night.

    Worrying about bills
    And your kids education
    Complancency that kills
    Crying over your own deprivation

    You think life's unfair
    Your damn straight on that
    But do you think that I care
    That I worry about that?

    You should wake with a smile
    And then plant a kiss
    On the face of your child
    Who you'll one day miss.

    Don't let life drag you down
    And kill all your dreams
    Or wear a sad frown
    When it comes apart at the seams.




    Submitted on 2004-03-06 20:33:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is prety good, as others have said, needs only a fine tuning to become a real gem The part i have trouble with..is the last stanza.."Or wear a sad frown"..seems like a glued on phrase..I liked the overall imagery of this stanza and "When it comes apart at the seams"...just that one line seems so forced.....I really like the poem, ..that's the ONE part i feel needs tightening. Silver
    | Posted on 2004-03-08 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      the poem starts well... i liked the odea behind it and it has a nice rhythm to it. but the ending needs a little more work.
    | Posted on 2004-03-06 00:00:00 | by Judy | [ Reply to This ]
      lose the repeat in the first stanza of 'around'.... 'Over a grave that you dug' reads alot better and feels like less than forced rhyme... you need to rework the ending and make it more of an ending - it feels like you are empathetic to this person, letting us listen in on the phone call while you preach to her, but the line gets cut off and we dont get to hear the rest... unfinished ending.... rework that and the repeat and this will be an exceptionally well written poem
    | Posted on 2004-03-06 00:00:00 | by Crash | [ Reply to This ]
      A couple of the longer lines could be tightened to conform to your structure..basic rhythm is good, though, and I like your imagery..Actually like the idea of a wife selling herself out in marriage. Think one revision will polish it off.
    jan
    | Posted on 2004-03-06 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      aaah, if only life were simple eh? nice message, nice story behind the words.
    solid work.
    | Posted on 2004-03-06 00:00:00 | by XxMusikJunkiexX | [ Reply to This ]
      i really liked this. prostitutation sucks... i mean, i wouldn't know, it's just my belief, but some ppl feel that it's the only thing to do.
    | Posted on 2004-03-06 00:00:00 | by Cai | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this..good rhyme scheme...Nice imagery...i got it and im sleepy, thats a good one in itself..lol
    | Posted on 2004-03-06 00:00:00 | by TastemyTears | [ Reply to This ]


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