Obsidian Butterfly Revisited by Lightbringer

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Submission Name: Obsidian Butterfly Revisited dots

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Author:	Lightbringer
ASL Info:	25/M/under your couch
Elite Ratio:	4.63 - 188/210/36
Words:	195

Class/Type:	Poetry/Passion
Total Views:	419
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1279

Description:
I posted a more basic version of this about a week ago. It needed a lot of work so instead of just editing it I re-wrote a lot of it. The subject matter may seem a little foreign unless you are familiar with Aztec mythology. So for those who aren't here's an explaination. In Aztec mythology, Itzpapalotl was a fearsome skeletal goddess, who ruled over the paradise world of Tomoanchan. She is particularly associated with the moth and the dragon. Her name translates to "Obsidian Butterfly" and/or "Clawed butterfly". (I prefer Obsidian butterfly myself). Please be honest in your comments. Enjoy

Obsidian Butterfly Revisited dots

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I reach down
and pick it up
An obsidian butterfly
etched by the finest artisans
facets shimmering in the sun.

I watch as
the sunlight plays on it,
picking up the slightest shadows
taking it's life from them

Did it just move?

No, the goddess
has been asleep
for some time.

"Itzpapalotl!"
I whisper
"Where have you gone?
Come shed your scales
and reveal to us your power."

I stare
once again
at the black glass
in my hand
thoughts of the ancients
overwhelm me
they have eluded me
for so long,
why do they come back
to haunt me now

Who left this,
this trinket of my past,
knowing that I
would be right here
right now?

The leaves rustle
and a chill runs down my spine
as I watch a moth
flutter towards me,
dancing on the breeze,
my heart skips a beat.

Then, from behind me,
I hear the rustle of scales,
the crackle of dry bones,
and I am comforted to know
she is still with me.

Submitted on 2004-10-17 18:26:23 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I like your subject matter, and you bring your audience through almost an entire history of a people in the piece. The poem has a very nostalgic feel to it; it feels ancient like the goddess you talk about. Although I found it be lacking the passion i think you were trying to convey. Perhaps if you exchanged some neautral words for more charged words or quickened the pace of the poem the full effect would come through. I liked it; i think it has lots of potential to grow.
| Posted on 2004-10-17 00:00:00 | by Memphis | [ Reply to This ]
  especially I stare
once again
at the black glass
in my hand
thoughts of the ancients
overwhelm me
they have eluded me
for so long,
why do they come back
to haunt me now

Who left this,
this trinket of my past,
knowing that I
would pass this way?

The leaves rustle
as I watch a moth
flutter towards me,
dancing on the breeze,
and my heart
skips a beat.

keep it up great job! :)
| Posted on 2004-10-17 00:00:00 | by Cordell | [ Reply to This ]
  Your title caught me off guard. Are you familiar with anything written by Laurell K. Hamilton? I'm guessing that you might. There is a book in a series that is titled "Obsidian Butterfly" and deals with the same exact subject matter of your poem. You did a good job with description. I don't think there is anything that I would suggest changing.
~Ravenwood
| Posted on 2004-10-17 00:00:00 | by Ravenwood | [ Reply to This ]
  I reach down
and pick it up
An obsidian butterfly
etched by the finest artisans
facets shimmering in the sun.

I watch as
the sunlight plays on it,
picking up the slightest shadows
taking it's life from them

Did it just move?

No, the goddess
has been asleep
for some time.

This. The beginning of the poem threw me off for a minute making me think what is he talking about. But as the piece went on I got more and more out of it. It's very well written. I feel like the flow and words came easily. I have a love of the written word and find words to be the greatest bits of art. You did an excellent job with word usage in this piece. *applauds*
| Posted on 2004-10-18 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
  is she the one who haunted the barrens of Mexico crying, "oh my children where can i hide you that you will not be harmed?". i like her. my favorite is Quetzalcoatl (but isn't that true for most people? i wrote a poem by the same name, actually. and another similarly named (openheart surgery on sacrificial butterflies)...when i go to the Powwows, i always catch the Aztec firedancers (the things they do, the regalia with it's bright feathers, but alas, no quetzal feathers...) i once studied Nahuatl and the Mexican codices. well, this poem is sweet and reverant. i like the tone, the crackling scales are a nice touch. i have a dresser drawer full of butterfly wings in my bedroom.
| Posted on 2004-10-20 00:00:00 | by ruejacobs | [ Reply to This ]

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