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    dots Submission Name: if he only knewdots

    Author: kissingadict
    ASL Info:    18//F//CT
    Elite Ratio:    3.47 - 110/136/32
    Words: 161
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1137
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1131

       Testing the Waters. Venting.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsif he only knewdots

    And there it went
    all the giggle filled nights
    of being held
    of being fondled
    of wanting more than I was given

    Hands under the table
    miles upon miles of the smile
    the voice that shivers my spine
    the breath that leaves his mouth
    and falls upon my ear
    the tears that have never left my eye

    of building the tension

    and there it went
    diminishing hundreds of times faster
    than it took to construct
    falling like a faulty structure
    whooshed out
    like a blown out tire

    the eyes still hold in tears
    a smile still holds up the cheeks
    my eyes still open each day
    but the breath won't brush my ear
    never sending shivers
    down my spine
    his eyes won't burn through my soul
    feel like a depleted source
    the cat's caught the mouse
    no longer will they run
    for they've already played

    Submitted on 2004-10-18 15:03:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      well first i'll say i'm sorry it didn't work out, always a disappointment when some thing longed for so desperately turns out not to be what's needed or truly wanted.

    i like this...the flow and emotion in all the right places...imagery is good too...i would maybe cut back on some words here and there...but that's just me and even without the cuts it's a great piece...
    thank you for sharing and

    WELCOME to Elite Skills!
    good place to get help and read others words
    | Posted on 2004-10-18 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ]
      I have to agree in that I love the opening line. I think this poem is perfect. I can understand the emotions involved and you have got it spot on. The flow is great, the description is. I can't say anything more other than this is fantastic!
    | Posted on 2004-10-18 00:00:00 | by Star_searcher | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked how you...just poured out what you thought..and it came together so well. This situation sucks. I know. I'm sorry that you had to go through something like this. But, you've captured it, and grown from it, by writing such a though provoking piece.
    | Posted on 2004-10-19 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like this piece. The way you depicted time passing is the best part of the poem, I think. The flow is good, the emotion is there, I really have nothing bad to say about this piece. I love how you progress from the beginning when things were good between you and your friend, to the end where the waters tested turned out to be too deep and everything was ruined. I know how that feels like to. I've lost a few friends that way. Great piece...
    | Posted on 2004-10-19 00:00:00 | by eener | [ Reply to This ]
      this is a geat peice i really like it it uses alot of imagery which helps to create an atmosphere it is so strong what u are saying that it jumps from the computer screen, this is geat work
    | Posted on 2004-10-20 00:00:00 | by dark silence | [ Reply to This ]

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