Random, no. It was good. There's this book it reminded me of, I can't thinkof the name but as soon as I do I'll let you know, I think you would enjoy it. Anywho back to you, hehe it rhymed. But yeah, good job. I'll let you know when I remember the name of that book.
I happen to like this piece a lot. Random is sometimes good. I guess I'm just quirky but I really liked it. It made me laugh, and any piece that can do that without coming across forced gets my vote. The randomness was refreshing and this is a good reminder that poetry doesn't have to be totslly serious. A lot of us forget why we really write...because we enjoy it. I think a lot of us would do well to write more pieces like this.
I love randomness. It has such a feeling of confusion - you certainly carried that emotion across, therefore you succeeded. You keep doing that!
It gives me an image of a high-school girl who's great at english trying to describe the death of one life and the birth of another when she fell in love with a guy... or something like that. I don't know. It's confusing :)
Thanks for brightening my day with this! cya Syd ~me
I really like the way you place the words in the poem. It's not like the same old boring 4 line stanzas that I put out. I should try it sometime and see if it helps inspire some bout of creativity. I've been lacking in that department for while. I don't really have anything decent to say comment wise right now. That's what happens with lack of sleep. All I can say is that you're work continues to surprise me. ~Ravenwood
This is really neat. I enjoyed the subtle rhyme scheme you lace through out the piece, words like "deck" and "mess" that do not quite rhyme but kind of do really help the flow of the poem without making it too "rhymey".
Also I found the way you broke the poem up interesting.
The one thing that troubled me was the repetetive feel of the two uses of the word "life" in lines 17 and 19. It seemed to me you would improve this poem if you could change one of those with a synonym or something similar. That is only opinion of course. Either way nice writing.