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    dots Submission Name: untitleddots

    Author: secret moon
    Elite Ratio:    6.54 - 687/427/57
    Words: 108
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 925
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 648

       If this is too random, just let me know. . .

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    The city swirled.

    I could feel


    then. . .
    I must have died

    I don't remember anything else
    But you must have smiled
    Sometime in the future

    so yeah
    must have turned out right -
    or a right mess
    when my fragile life
    collided with the mosaic deck
    that was your life

    tell me when it's over
    so I can open my eyes
    and stop holding my breath

    Submitted on 2004-10-18 17:49:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Random, no. It was good. There's this book it reminded me of, I can't thinkof the name but as soon as I do I'll let you know, I think you would enjoy it. Anywho back to you, hehe it rhymed. But yeah, good job. I'll let you know when I remember the name of that book.

    | Posted on 2005-01-02 00:00:00 | by Rain | [ Reply to This ]
      hmm doesnt seem like its supposed to be anything good so thats fine. not sure on what to say on this one so...yea...but hey we all write random things.lol cuz i do too.
    | Posted on 2004-10-18 00:00:00 | by Day DreaMeR | [ Reply to This ]
      I happen to like this piece a lot. Random is sometimes good. I guess I'm just quirky but I really liked it. It made me laugh, and any piece that can do that without coming across forced gets my vote. The randomness was refreshing and this is a good reminder that poetry doesn't have to be totslly serious. A lot of us forget why we really write...because we enjoy it. I think a lot of us would do well to write more pieces like this.
    | Posted on 2004-10-18 00:00:00 | by Lightbringer | [ Reply to This ]
      wow this is great, i must add it to my favs. i dont know what it is i like about it so much... just different. the falling into someones life thats great i cant stop reading this. great job
    | Posted on 2004-10-18 00:00:00 | by playcrackthesky | [ Reply to This ]
      I love randomness. It has such a feeling of confusion - you certainly carried that emotion across, therefore you succeeded. You keep doing that!

    It gives me an image of a high-school girl who's great at english trying to describe the death of one life and the birth of another when she fell in love with a guy... or something like that. I don't know. It's confusing :)

    Thanks for brightening my day with this!
    cya Syd
    | Posted on 2004-10-19 00:00:00 | by whiteknight | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like the way you place the words in the poem. It's not like the same old boring 4 line stanzas that I put out. I should try it sometime and see if it helps inspire some bout of creativity. I've been lacking in that department for while. I don't really have anything decent to say comment wise right now. That's what happens with lack of sleep. All I can say is that you're work continues to surprise me.
    | Posted on 2004-10-24 00:00:00 | by Ravenwood | [ Reply to This ]
      This is really neat. I enjoyed the subtle rhyme scheme you lace through out the piece, words like "deck" and "mess" that do not quite rhyme but kind of do really help the flow of the poem without making it too "rhymey".

    Also I found the way you broke the poem up interesting.

    The one thing that troubled me was the repetetive feel of the two uses of the word "life"
    in lines 17 and 19. It seemed to me you would improve this poem if you could change one of those with a synonym or something similar. That is only opinion of course. Either way nice writing.

    much enjoyed.

    mister fizzle
    | Posted on 2005-01-10 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]

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