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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Lauging in the rain.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: bentnotbroken
    ASL Info:    25+/m/middle of nowhere
    Elite Ratio:    4.6 - 351/260/38
    Words: 58
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1363
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 428



    Description:
       new stuff; nothing reallly to say but "any critiques and comments would be greatly appreciated." Also, i'm not crazy about the title so any suggestoins would be greatly appreciated. I know this needs a lot of work.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLauging in the rain.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Lauging in the rain
    staring into the darkess of the sky
    battling the pain
    wondering why

    the judgement's pending
    innocent or guilty?
    I'm free from blame
    but suffer the consequences
    of my non-actions.

    I feel every hard stare,
    taste every bitter word.
    I try to dodge the daggers your eyes throw,
    but they pierce my heart.




    Submitted on 2004-10-19 06:15:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is a really good write
    To me you were writing about the rain washing away all the fears and negativity you were holding inside
    That is why I think you were laughing because you were elated in your victory
    God Bless
    Ron

    And Thank You for your recent comments
    I will definately be looking for more of your writes
    Your Friend
    Ron
    | Posted on 2005-12-06 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      This is quite interesting indeed! "Free from blame but suffer the consequences of my non-actions" is a powerful statement! I never really thought about it like that and I think this describes the situation quite well. Be blamed for something that you know you didn't do, yet others don't believe you and most of all someone you love is lacking faith in you. That has to be the worst! And I also think that you worded the last part well too,
    "I try to dodge the daggers your eyes throw,
    but they pierce my heart". That is really good! I enjoyed reading this one. Once again you have said so much without having to say so much ya know? Nice write! Take care!

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-08-03 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      this is really good. my favorite lines:

    "but suffer the consequences
    of my non-actions."

    That's good, I like that kind of dry humor. It's pointedly not-funny, but humorous in the fact that you didn't do anything. It really made a good point.

    I didn't like the last line... "pierce the heart" seems melodramatic and kind of "emo/ cry me tears". I'm sure it aptly describes what you/ the character is feeling, but it really doesn't fit in with the rest of the piece. There's a feeling of hatred and contempt throughout the piece, and anything pertaining to your heart would be out of place I think. Otherwise, a very good write.
    | Posted on 2004-12-09 00:00:00 | by mixedemotions00 | [ Reply to This ]
      Innocent. That's the answer. You are being blamed for something you didn't do yet are facing the consequences as if you did. This is good! It's always awful when someone says you did something that you didn't. Sometimes the only thing you can do is wait for it to pass.
    | Posted on 2004-11-26 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
      I think the sequence of rhyme is great but I don't quite understand what you are trying to say maybe this went over my head.
    | Posted on 2004-11-19 00:00:00 | by The Black Rose | [ Reply to This ]
      free from blame but suffering the consequences of your non actions... wow... what an awesome thought... well actually not awesome coz id imagine it to be hell but deffinately not a thing ive thought about before or had brought to my attention so bluntly... very awesome.
    im thinking though that it would be awesome if you could give some kind of indication as to what it is exactly that you havent done... coz its a bit vague in that respect and i almost think that if you had something like that in there then it would pull the piece together even more... make it tighter and sharper... but then that may not be the look you are going for...
    i very liked it all the same...
    | Posted on 2004-11-05 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      This is my favorite stanza

    Lauging in the rain
    staring into the darkess of the sky
    battling the pain
    wondering why

    I thnk that it doesn't really fit in with the rest of the poem. i think that what happened was, you got a good idea for the poem, started out with that and then got stuck, and just added more, but it didn't seem to flow. Hope to hear from you!
    ~Amanda
    | Posted on 2004-11-27 00:00:00 | by AmandaLyn | [ Reply to This ]


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