Description: new stuff; nothing reallly to say but "any critiques and comments would be greatly appreciated." Also, i'm not crazy about the title so any suggestoins would be greatly appreciated. I know this needs a lot of work.
Lauging in the rain. -------------------------------------------
Lauging in the rain
staring into the darkess of the sky
battling the pain
the judgement's pending
innocent or guilty?
I'm free from blame
but suffer the consequences
of my non-actions.
I feel every hard stare,
taste every bitter word.
I try to dodge the daggers your eyes throw,
but they pierce my heart.
This is a really good write To me you were writing about the rain washing away all the fears and negativity you were holding inside That is why I think you were laughing because you were elated in your victory God Bless Ron
And Thank You for your recent comments I will definately be looking for more of your writes Your Friend Ron
This is quite interesting indeed! "Free from blame but suffer the consequences of my non-actions" is a powerful statement! I never really thought about it like that and I think this describes the situation quite well. Be blamed for something that you know you didn't do, yet others don't believe you and most of all someone you love is lacking faith in you. That has to be the worst! And I also think that you worded the last part well too, "I try to dodge the daggers your eyes throw, but they pierce my heart". That is really good! I enjoyed reading this one. Once again you have said so much without having to say so much ya know? Nice write! Take care!
That's good, I like that kind of dry humor. It's pointedly not-funny, but humorous in the fact that you didn't do anything. It really made a good point.
I didn't like the last line... "pierce the heart" seems melodramatic and kind of "emo/ cry me tears". I'm sure it aptly describes what you/ the character is feeling, but it really doesn't fit in with the rest of the piece. There's a feeling of hatred and contempt throughout the piece, and anything pertaining to your heart would be out of place I think. Otherwise, a very good write.
Innocent. That's the answer. You are being blamed for something you didn't do yet are facing the consequences as if you did. This is good! It's always awful when someone says you did something that you didn't. Sometimes the only thing you can do is wait for it to pass.
free from blame but suffering the consequences of your non actions... wow... what an awesome thought... well actually not awesome coz id imagine it to be hell but deffinately not a thing ive thought about before or had brought to my attention so bluntly... very awesome. im thinking though that it would be awesome if you could give some kind of indication as to what it is exactly that you havent done... coz its a bit vague in that respect and i almost think that if you had something like that in there then it would pull the piece together even more... make it tighter and sharper... but then that may not be the look you are going for... i very liked it all the same...
Lauging in the rain staring into the darkess of the sky battling the pain wondering why
I thnk that it doesn't really fit in with the rest of the poem. i think that what happened was, you got a good idea for the poem, started out with that and then got stuck, and just added more, but it didn't seem to flow. Hope to hear from you! ~Amanda