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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Lunardots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: bentnotbroken
    ASL Info:    25+/m/middle of nowhere
    Elite Ratio:    4.6 - 351/260/38
    Words: 56
    Class/Type: Poetry/Alone
    Total Views: 1374
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 394



    Description:
       not crazy about the last stanza. Not sure where this one came from, butit's obviously a work in progress. Any critiques and comments greatly appreciated.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLunardots
    -------------------------------------------


    Staring at the moon,
    the celestial body with a link to lovers.
    Lunar--Lunacy--Love;
    definitely a connection there.

    I see her in its beauty,
    watching me--my every move.
    She's not there though;
    her eyes are empty.

    Her mind is elsewhere--
    her body here.
    A full moon always makes me feel. . .
    alone




    Submitted on 2004-10-19 06:20:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is a very deep and well written write in the short amount of words you used
    You are expressing your longing for someone to see the real you and develop a life long friendship
    I always enjoy reading your writes as you write with true heartfelt emotion
    Thank You for sharing this
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-01-08 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey! We are back to the moon again!
    No really, this is cool! I love the comparison...
    lunar-lunacy-love! Yeah, there is a definite connection there! And the moon is a romantic body isn't it? "Her mind is elsewhere, her body here" sounds like turmoil! This piece is very dark and somewhat mysterious. I love a full moon and the way it makes shadows in the night! And I can understand that if the moon is for lovers and you feel "disconnected" from yours, you would feel alone! Nice write! Deep meaning! Take care!

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2005-07-29 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a great write, i love the first stanza and while i can see why your not crazy about the last stanza its not that bad...theres some great imagery and the whole thing is very creative...one thing i would change is the line before last, it has to many syllables to go with the last line which is just 'alone' ...that's the only place where the flow seems awkward...I don't think it needs much work, just a few tweaks here and there...anyway sorry i couldn't be more helpful, keep up the good work
    | Posted on 2005-07-19 00:00:00 | by morte | [ Reply to This ]
      to the contrary, i believe the last stanza is the strongest part of and already strong piece. its short but i dont think you need anymore embellishment. the love-moon connection is an interesting thought-provoker. and the way youve personified the moon with "her" image is interesting.
    and the feeling of loneliness is what i think makes this poem.
    the line where you say "her eyes are empty" sort of confused me. maybe im mistaking your meaning in this poem but i find it a bit incongruent. but i had to read it a couple of times before i noticed that at all.
    you have here what i like to call a "thought bank."youve developed one thought, one emotion, one situation. you can leave it and have a wonderful piece. but this has the potential to bloom into a larger more intricate poem with more power and emotion.
    great job. ive been left staring at the moon...
    | Posted on 2004-11-29 00:00:00 | by jonsmithy | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, this is somewhat hard to comment upon. Not that l am trying to place myself witin your poem, but at the moment of my birth, there was a full lunar eclipes...And your poem well, l dont' know, how can one give advice on something like this...?...Thanks for sharing, and will most surely be a favorite of mine...
    | Posted on 2004-10-19 00:00:00 | by Vibrant | [ Reply to This ]
      the moon seems to get to us all at one time or another. I think this poem. kind of like random thoughts about the moon and how you are affected by it. I would keep working on it though and maybe try to make it even more personal. great job, just the same.
    | Posted on 2004-10-19 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      I really did like your last two lines. I didn't think they were that bad. I think what you were trying to get across here was about how nuts being in love is, how there's someone who's physically with you but not mentally, and whenever you see a full moon you are reminded of her beauty that is - in essence - so far away because she's not really with you. Did I get anywhere with that? Good write. I enjoyed it.
    -Secret
    | Posted on 2004-10-19 00:00:00 | by secret moon | [ Reply to This ]


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