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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Photovoltaicdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Vibrant
    Elite Ratio:    2.7 - 855/538/131
    Words: 118
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 855
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 960



    Description:
       l don't know......


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPhotovoltaicdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Strong was the ocean
    said, that voice
    whispering marbles
    shall the night world
    remember yesterday,
    with the Sun's
    implusive glow
    how it travels
    with wants
    of wild wants
    exploring falsified hunger
    grasping hold
    only to drown'd
    golden rays
    come under
    the glass skinned
    sea
    -will-
    see
    no walls in me
    open to be
    dark with thee
    question not
    which soaked
    eyes see
    better yet
    come frolic
    away
    with the
    cloaked cold see
    for then you
    will for surely
    know who's
    putting on a
    show
    in the crystal sea
    there is a piece of me
    which does so hide
    within the bitter sparks
    but
    it will not get
    what it soon
    forgets
    pure flowing tones
    of
    sweetness




    Submitted on 2004-10-19 08:14:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This poem is well-written but there's a lot that could be changed to refine it. . . kinda like when you have a diamond that you just dug up, and it's really pretty and all but you have to make it shine just the right way. So here's some ideas.

    On your first stanza, the grammar doesn't make sense and doesn't have a reason for not making sense. Whenever your grammar/punctuation is different from Standard English and doesn't have a reason to be so, it takes away from your poem. So you might change it to this:

    Strong was the ocean,
    said that voice
    whispering marbles.

    Secondly, what's up with "whispering marbles"? It doesn't make sense at all and it throws off what might have been enjoyable. I can't help you with this because I don't know what you meant by it, but try making it a little more clear.

    It would make this poem a lot better if you would go through the whole thing and make everything clearer. Sometimes poems can be helped by obscurity, but they can be hurt by it just as much if you go over the top.
    Good write. Let me know if you redo it.
    -Secret
    | Posted on 2004-10-19 00:00:00 | by secret moon | [ Reply to This ]
      well...Didnt really grasp the concept of this piece. I think, in my own personal opinion, it could be greatly improved...It seems so choppy...maybe try combining some of the sentences, not leaving so many fragments in each verse? I dunno...but, I think, that if you worked at it, this could be a really great poem...

    ->Dark
    | Posted on 2004-10-19 00:00:00 | by drk_angl_17 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey, this is trippy. I kind of liked it from the beginning, but mid way you started with this rhyme that broke the mood. Here.

    Strong was the ocean
    said, that voice (do you need "said"?)
    whispering marbles
    shall the night world
    remember yesterday,
    with the Sun's
    implusive glow
    how it travels
    with wants (maybe a comma here?)
    of wild wants
    exploring falsified hunger
    grasping hold
    only to drown'd (I'm not sure about this contraction, maybe just drowned, or drown)
    golden rays
    come under
    the glass skinned
    sea
    -will-
    see
    no walls in me
    ('k, now rhyming is fine, but to go into this aaaaaaa scheme breaks the fancifull mood.
    Makes me a sad dude, with a bad attitude, and I'm hungry-for food, don't want to be rude, and well, you get it, I'm sure.)
    open to be
    dark with thee
    question not
    which soaked
    eyes see
    better yet
    come frolic
    away
    with the
    cloaked cold see
    for then you
    will for surely
    know who's
    putting on a
    show
    in the crystal sea
    there is a piece of me
    which does so hide
    within the bitter sparks
    but
    it will not get
    what it soon
    forgets
    pure flowing tones
    of
    sweetness

    (and the last 8-12 lines leave the rhyme and go back to the free verse, so it ended nicely. I liked it overall though, but I think if you had kept the free verse consistant, it would be even better.)
    Dave
    | Posted on 2004-10-19 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]


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