Description: This is speaking of the emotional and physical abuse of all my past relationships. And, how I feel like I just need to get away from reality and cleanse myself and my thoughts and emerge clean.
The Water -------------------------------------------
The water beckons.
Cool. Black. Rising.
Swiftly coming to meet my feet.
I glance down at it.
Ice cold inside.
Somehow thinking this is what I need.
Silently willing it not to recede.
It's cleansing surrounding I need to be in.
Need to cleave to.
I need to feel the coolness surround me.
Hear nothing.
See nothing.
For only a while.
Thinking as it rises up past my knees.
Of memories black.
Times when you cut me off at the knees.
Bilittled.
Condemned by you always it seemed.
I couldn't do anything right.
No matter what you found a way to pick a fight.
The simplest things were blown out of proportion.
As the coolness of the water slips up to my chest.
I take deep breaths.
Trying to forget the many regrets.
Need the water to rise up some more.
Cover my head.
So I can emerge clean.
The coolness seeps through my veins.
My will iron clad.
Can barely feel the pain.
Now I can't breathe.
Yet I know as it slowly recedes,
Leaving me laying on the floor.
I open my eyes,
Ready to live once more.
Woah, I liked this. I do not know if you are a believe in God or not, but this reminded me of water baptism. Before the person goes down, they're just a normal sinner, but once they come back up.. all sins are washed away and the soul is alive again, and ready to begin a new life.
Anyways, I do not know if that is how you meant it, but either way I liked the poem. You did a great job on it.
beautiful...i like the way u used water as a symbol of rebirth...i also liked the fact that you appear to have gotten out of whatever relationship caused you to feel like this...its not cool when people are abused in any way... I personally have seen to many women (and a few men) that locked themselves into relationships they can't get out of, only to end up worse off than ever before while wondering how the hell they ended up there... its a good write, and i salute you -drizzt
I liked it too. There were a few grammatical errors that threw me off, like bilittled should be belittled and I am not sure if in the ninth line you meant to say cling where you said cleave. I dunno...
Anyway, water can only begin the cleansing. You have to want to stay clean if you want to forever feel refreshed. There are good men out there and they do dwell in reality, so dont run too far from it.
Trying to forgive some one who you once loved and trusted is a hard thing to do, yet the hardest is to forget. You've done so very well here, people have already mentioned the small stuff. Easy enough to get past...wow My hat's off to you, as I stand and clap... real flippen hard good job with such a strong emotion, coming clean...perfect kelly
I know exactly what ur sayin'. I really liked this! b/c believe me i feel the same way somedays. It would be so great if you could just start over with a clean slate and no feel the pain from before!
This is quite a powerful piece and I enjoyed the metaphor within. I think some finishing touches are needed, but that is why we are here, yes? I do not wish for you to feel as though I am picking at your piece, as it was quite enjoyable, however, I would like to offer a few suggestions:
The title seems to need more, perhaps a less obvious start is appropriate...I will wrap my mind around this while critiquing the rest:
The water beckons. Cool. Black. Rising.
I think the one word sentences hinder the thought. I think that if you were to use them as follows:
cool, black, rising-
or even:
cool, black, rising-
The commas would create the appropriate pause, yet not enunciate overdramatically.
Swiftly coming to meet my feet.
Notice I added a dash to the end of rising to stop it short in anticipation of swiftly coming to meet my feet. I was also thinking that swiftly "coming" could be in want of a better word, perhaps, swiftly sweeping, or swiftly seeping.
I glance down at it[,]
I changed the period to a comma in order to connect it with the following thought.
Ice cold inside[,]
same thing again
Somehow thinking this is what I need[-] Silently willing it not to recede.
It's cleansing surrounding I need to be in.
you do not need the apostrophe in its...the way you have it reads "it is cleansing surrounding..."
Need to cleave to.
cleave meaning:come or be in close contact with, you do not need the word "to" after cleave, would be proper if read: "Need to cleave."
I need to feel the coolness surround me[,] Hear nothing[,] See nothingp[-] For only a while.
Thinking as it rises up past my knees.
Perhaps, "I think as it rises up past my knees" This eliminates the sentence fragment.
Of memories black[,] Times when you cut me off at the knees[,] Bilittled. [belittled]
Condemned by you always it seemed. I couldn't do anything right.
[Condemned by you, it always seemed I couldn't do anything right]
No matter what[,]you found a way to pick a fight. The simplest things were blown out of proportion. As the coolness of the water slips up to my chest[,] I take deep breaths[-] Trying to forget the many regrets. [I]need the water to rise up some more[-] Cover my head[-] So I can emerge clean. The coolness seeps through my veins. My will iron clad. [I] can barely feel the pain. Now I can't breathe[,] Yet I know as it slowly recedes, Leaving me laying on the floor. I open my eyes, Ready to live once more.
Once again, these are merely content and grammatical suggestions, and nothing more than my opinion. I think you have a nice piece here...just needs an edit or two. Great job, and I look forward to reading more from you! Oh, and as for the title, perhaps, "The Cleansing", or "The Rising Epiphany" just for example. Well Done! -SS
One more to my favourites! love the work. still and silent. so clam and relaxed. i felt it! sometimes all you need is just yourself and when you get it, its bliss. things do go wrong... because its just meant to be that way. won't make much of a life if they didn't. but what makes this life so beautiful is that word "bliss". everybody craves for it. hope you get it, for sure you will love it!
E.E.Cummings once said:- "A poet is somebody who feels, and who expresses his feelings through words."
You obviously have an abundance of feeling, perhaps passionately so, along with an abundance of talent. So why, why do I get the feeling that you rush through your writing leaving some details to chance? The most obvious lack in this poem is the punctuation. Periods where there should be commas, no commas where there should be, That kind of thing that kinda throws the rythym off a bit. I'm sure that when you look back you'll see it, because, like I said, you do have the talent.
Submission Name: The Water
