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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Butterfly Wings and Ismsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 90
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 898
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 654



    Description:
       When all else fails, write something surreal. I have no idea what to think of this. If anyone can think of a better title, let me know.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsButterfly Wings and Ismsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    He held a tray piled high with isms.
    She watched him intently
    mesmerized by his dark eyes,
    turning away only to mash the bread
    of her butterfly wing sandwich
    smeared with mayonnaise of crushed pearls.
    Hearing a crash, she returned her attention.
    She watched as the isms shattered on the ground,
    leaving only surrealism, minimalism, and postmodernism intact.
    The waiter pranced around
    enjoying the lighter load
    cutting his trouser leg on a jagged bit of traditionalism,
    nearly tearing his flesh.
    Smiling--he continued handing out his hors d'oeuvres.




    Submitted on 2004-10-20 09:50:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This poem...i like it and i don't, but then i like it more. It's a very... strange poem in that it makes little sense at first. The reader would need to have a decent vocabulary to really grasp the meaning. I almost don't like how the poem was written, but i do like what it was written about. A very interesting way of expressing yourself.
    | Posted on 2004-11-14 00:00:00 | by Mercy December | [ Reply to This ]
      i don't really think it sucks though i wouldn't say its one of your best...but it doesn't mean it sucks ...i think its pretty interesting...traditionalism slicing his leg...i like that part...though i'm going to be honest and allow my stupidity to shine through...what excactly are you trying to say in this write...im tired bare with me...purps
    | Posted on 2004-10-20 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
      He should have just dropped all the isms! The less boxes for classification the better in my opinion. This is cool.. I like the sandwich with butterfly wings and pearl mayo...that's a great image. Nice how he cuts himself on Traditionalism...and prances around after his tray becomes lighter. It's like he's free from the weights and restraints of stupid classsifications.
    Good job
    | Posted on 2004-10-20 00:00:00 | by marysunshine | [ Reply to This ]
      aww...see now that i'm reading marysunshines comment i'm getting it...lol...like i said when i;m tired the less i understand...lol...purp
    | Posted on 2004-10-20 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
      actually it's succulent, and I can't wait for the main course, I like the format and the isms, but hold the pickle and the mayo, and please rye bread if you have the dough, lmao...Bob:)
    | Posted on 2004-10-20 00:00:00 | by poetryman | [ Reply to This ]
      the butterfly wing sandwich hurt my heart, but that's just the way i'm feeling today. this is very interesting and different. you sure can pull out all the stops when you want to! i like the idea of his load being a little lighter. i have a hard time with all those dam.n "isms." i'm very schooled in all that crap, but you seem to know your stuff!
    | Posted on 2004-10-20 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      i meant to say i'm NOT very school in all that crap! my mind is like a sieve today... now i gotta keep writing... okay okay okay, now i think i can go!
    | Posted on 2004-10-20 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmm, I'm not sure about the butterfly wings and the pearl mayo, despite the gorgeous imagery they elicit. I'd like to know where you are... a restaurant, obviously, but what kind?

    I liked the fact that she was looking at him and not the tray, which suggests that she's as comfortable in this surreal world as he is. I'd like to hear a bit about the way he holds that tray, because at the end he's happy to be free of it, but you don't mention his stance to begin with and so I had no idea that he was unsatisfied. I always think of waiters in posh restaurants, who can hold the trays way up above their heads as they cut such a dash through the room in those black dinner jackets. But the only FAULT I see in this is that I think the line containing "surrealism, minimalism, and postmodernism" needs an "intact" at the end. The other things I suggested are just what would make it better for me, not necessarilary for everyone else, though, as they seem happy enough with it.

    So, what's this about? It could be construed as merely a ramble, from your description, or could in fact be about a lover who let you down... I know that I pour so much heart into poetry about my One... if something were to happen, I can just imagine that all those heartfelt hopes would come crashing down just like that tray did... I wonder what would be left? Would I ever be able to write again, if the only way I wrote reminded me of him? See... this is deep. Like that!
    | Posted on 2004-10-20 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this title is appropriate. This is surreal! But a very good surreal. :) I like this. Good job. I don't think I could have came up with crashing -isms and butterfly wing bread!
    -blt
    | Posted on 2004-10-20 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      i really like this. the mesmerizing dark eyes of the isms can really draw you in, especially when serving hors d'oeurves. hopefully communism, fascism, socialism crashes to the floor too.
    | Posted on 2004-10-20 00:00:00 | by jdinning67 | [ Reply to This ]
      okay, I left a comment on your insomnia poem about it being surreal, and by that I meant a dream like quality. This is actually surreal! Very "eye opening". I'm unsure why the bread is mashed, but otherwise this is great, very entertaining and original. I'm not sure that, though grammatically correct (I think...), the - before isms works. It kind of jolted me out each time I came across it. "isms" on its own would smooth the way - although maybe it was your intention to be jarring. Nice work.
    | Posted on 2004-10-21 00:00:00 | by boompatah | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it. I always love when you tell a story with your poetry. I almost want to find something to criticize, because your work is always amazing, but I just can't. I really enjoyed the part when the waiter cuts himself on traditionalism, that just really brought the poem together and it was kind of a "eureka" moment for the reader. Story poetry is good.

    -emo.
    | Posted on 2004-10-22 00:00:00 | by emo-tastic | [ Reply to This ]
      i love the part of cutting yourself on traditionalism..i think i do that ALL the time, i might be bleeding to death;) the butterfly wing sandwich was a striking image, it's stuck in my head now. very cool and different.
    | Posted on 2004-10-23 00:00:00 | by joe quinn | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this is quite interesting. I often enjoy poems that are someway connected with words, or wordplay. . . hence, talking about "isms" as you say. Maybe you're talking about how different types of "isms" can be bad for us. . . cutting in on what we couldashouldawoulda been or something. I dunno I'm not thinking too clearly, been staying up late for the last few days so. . . hmmm.
    -Secret
    | Posted on 2004-10-24 00:00:00 | by secret moon | [ Reply to This ]
      I think the title is perfect. A very entertaining piece - it takes a very specific talent to create something so totally out of this world. I hope you stay in your surreal mood for a bit longer...
    | Posted on 2004-10-21 00:00:00 | by Beulah | [ Reply to This ]
      Hm, this one is -quite- different from your style. Not only that it's longer, it's also more...concrete? And it's much more of storytelling than the raw emotions and crude images you usually put into words.
    This one's style is quite heavy and absurd. I read in it the struggle of attraction between two totally different people - they have to sacrifice alot to keep up with one another.
    | Posted on 2004-10-27 00:00:00 | by the apocrypha | [ Reply to This ]
      This was a wonderful piece, after reading it a couple times and reading marysunshines comment which I agree with whole heartedley. I love how you say your message within this surrealist piece. Sometimes surrealism is the best way t go on about realism... What I love is the imagery alone in this piece was beautiful and tied together so easily the images flowed like a rivr through my head and as they did the eroded the shores and over took and subtle the message deposited itself in different parts of my head and it was great. Excellent write-John
    | Posted on 2004-10-21 00:00:00 | by Mithrandir | [ Reply to This ]
      haha wow.
    This is difficult. definitly took me a while. At first I was like... isms is WHAT? and then I figured it out.
    I would have to agree with magnicat about the butterfly sandwich part.
    I... aww. poor butterfly wings. I can HEAR the noise.
    Anyways, good write I enjoyed it.
    -Andrya
    | Posted on 2004-10-21 00:00:00 | by andrya | [ Reply to This ]


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