Our sail in need of stitching,
I'm going down with my ship.
The whiskey kills the fear
But it does nothing for the rip.
The ocean beats our little boat-
The crew is getting sick.
Clouds roll, dark and telling
An angry Gods' tumultuous trick.
This could be the end-
This suspense forever lasts.
The ocean salty on my lips,
As i'm clinging to the mast....
No better time to learn to swim
Going down with my little boat.
I would rather sink than struggle,
Or forever aimlessly float....
| Nice structure and flow, but what I dont see is how the ship will sink from a sail that needs a stitch? A rip can be fixed, cant it? And water that enters the boat from a storm can be purged out...the only thing that can sink your ship is a hole in the hull...just my opinion though.||| Posted on 2004-10-20 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ] || this is a cute little poem.. sad you wouldn't put an effort to stay alive.. your body itself would put an effort anyways.. instinct... but anyways.. i liked the theme, and the flow.. it was ment to be longer in my opinion.. but its a nice short read for the time being... good job||| Posted on 2004-10-20 00:00:00 | by nameless child | [ Reply to This ] || I have to agree with the observation that the last lines just don't seem to fit in with the feel of the rest of the piece. Throughout the whole thing, the person is hanging on and perservering and gathering the will and the nerve to fight "going down with the ship"...and then you say, I'd rather sink...doesn't quite fit...|
Very original subject matter...high points for that!
|| Posted on 2004-10-20 00:00:00 | by Emerging Soul | [ Reply to This ] |