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Revised- Are we ok?

Author: mimi
ASL Info:    30/f/ny
Elite Ratio:    3.66 - 597 /390 /111
Words: 65
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1019
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 465


Revised- Are we ok?

“Are we ok?”
You asked me
After we…
After we …
After we…
Fell back down from the stars.
“Are we ok?”
You looked into my eyes,
saw the pain I can’t disguise,
“We are ok.”
I wipe your tears
soothe your fears.
“We are ok.”
My doubts I keep,
I watch you sleep,
After we…
I whisper “Am I ok?

Submitted on 2004-10-21 12:18:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  This reads like a poetry-slam competition winner... it has a rhythm that just hits, hits, hits... even if the words made no sense, the timing, the pulse, would make it an entertaining read... then the depth of the words adds even more to it... The only things that bothered me were the lines "Fell back down from the stars.", which denotes not just extraordinary sex, but an emotional connection that the poem indicates is questionable... and the line "after we...". I can see that you were trying to avoid being vulgar, or specific... but the thought feels rough... it feels incomplete. Perhaps a metaphorical description would be a better way to go?
| Posted on 2005-01-31 00:00:00 | by jer | [ Reply to This ]
  This is nice, the feelings are very interesting and the word used are put efficiently in their righ place. I like it.

*I hope you are ok..
| Posted on 2004-10-21 00:00:00 | by Beast | [ Reply to This ]
  WOW thats about it. this poem is unreal i love it soo much! its perfect, i wish i had wrote it! written with such flow and the best vibe. i read it like it was lyrics to the music i was listening and it just hit me in the best way. good job!
| Posted on 2004-10-21 00:00:00 | by monophobic | [ Reply to This ]
  Down to earth and oddly sensual. It feels true because of the question at the end "am I ok?". It's a situation that's hard to put into words and you do it in so few which is admirable. The only thing that didn't really sound right to me was "fell back down from the stars". I guess it feels like you were trying to say something else but settled on a kliché. Overall it's a good write, and everything else is just subjective thoughts.
| Posted on 2004-10-21 00:00:00 | by ParaGridD | [ Reply to This ]
  not sure if i misinterpreted this , but is part of this about make-up sex? I like the switching need for reassurance in this. has a nice beat to it too.
| Posted on 2004-10-22 00:00:00 | by jdinning67 | [ Reply to This ]

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