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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dreamsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Star_searcher
    ASL Info:    17/F/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.25 - 114/109/20
    Words: 85
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Love
    Total Views: 355
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 558



    Description:
       I would appreciate any general comments, especially on the ending. I meant for the poem to end abruptly like a dream but I'm not sure if it has worked.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDreamsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Darling tell me you love me,
    Say that it's true.
    "The past is all over,
    I just want you".

    These words go over and over,
    But just in my head.
    I still can't stop thinking,
    At night in my bed.

    I dream that you need me,
    That girl meant nothing to you.
    But in reality I'm here,
    Feeling sorry and blue.

    You take me by the hand,
    Everything is alright.
    But then I wake up,
    They were my dreams throught the night.




    Submitted on 2004-10-22 08:21:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Darling tell me you love me,
    say that it's true.
    "The past is all over,
    I just want you".

    try it without the double darling, other than that, you got me dreaming that somebody would dream about me in this manner, lol...very short and sweet and with a powerful message of wanting, great job...Bob:)
    | Posted on 2004-10-22 00:00:00 | by poetryman | [ Reply to This ]
      I think that it has good esence but you need to dig deeper in you feelings. Describe the situation a bit more. As I said before make it go deeper, You have to let the reader get in touch with the poetry. Make them feel as if they are part of the poem. They could feel it in their hearts.
    | Posted on 2004-10-22 00:00:00 | by Lana | [ Reply to This ]
      god job though it seems that you arent really telling it from your heart but from your mind u need to really tel what your heart says not you mind other then that great job
    | Posted on 2004-10-22 00:00:00 | by Sean | [ Reply to This ]
      This is nice...although I couldn't sense any emotions in it, but it's good..I think this could considered as a lyric rather than a poem...just a thought..
    | Posted on 2004-10-30 00:00:00 | by Beast | [ Reply to This ]



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