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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I Will Traveldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: max
    ASL Info:    27 m tennessee
    Elite Ratio:    3.5 - 152/191/55
    Words: 131
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 977
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 802



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI Will Traveldots
    -------------------------------------------


    As the things in my life come full circle
    tonight, I can see that the distance that I've
    come thus far
    is but nothing compared to what I
    shall travel, and that alone,
    without you,
    I shall travel great distances alone.

    Remembering my mothers' arms,
    when she used to rock me to sleep,
    I can still feel her arms,
    when I remember I can still feel,
    and amazing is the distance I have
    wandered away from her arms.

    Amazing is the distance I shall wander,
    and that without her.

    Without her and without you.

    I am a man, I will travel--
    whether with or without her and you,
    I will travel,
    travel as they come full circle, I will.




    Submitted on 2004-10-22 20:21:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Ok, this piece is very good, but not so good is all the repetition. I think it would read much better and smoother this way:

    As the things in my life come full circle
    tonight, I can see that the distance I've
    come thus far
    is but nothing compared to how far I
    shall travel, and that alone,
    without you,
    I shall travel great distances

    Remembering my mothers' arms,
    when she used to rock me to sleep,
    I can still feel her arms,
    and amazing is the distance I have
    wandered away from them

    Amazing is the distance I shall wander,
    without her

    Without her and without you

    I am a man-
    whether with or without her or you,
    I will travel,
    travel as they come full circle, I will.

    I hope I didn't totally butcher it, but I think it sounds much more clear this way. Sometimes repetition is a good thing, but overused statements can take away their meaning. This was a nice piece, and the message was very strong and well displayed. Just work on your repetition.
    | Posted on 2004-11-14 00:00:00 | by eener | [ Reply to This ]
      Interesting, i like the feelings of your mom. they cause me to think a little more fondly of my own mom right now. but on this 2nd person. im taking it that it was a her, but were you with her at one time and you lost what ever you two had together, or do you want her but she doesnt want you... what is here role in this besides being a person that you wish you were near. well with ever you did a good job in your writing. i liked it.
    | Posted on 2004-10-22 00:00:00 | by wretched_muse | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked the integration of the mother into the piece - it's a refreshing device that's not used very often, but here it's put to good use, and adds a sprinkle of longing and nostalgia where it wouldn't be originally. Great descriptions and general idea.
    | Posted on 2004-10-23 00:00:00 | by Color_the_Moon | [ Reply to This ]


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