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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Midnightdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Civilian
    ASL Info:    21/M/Australia
    Elite Ratio:    7.14 - 146/166/35
    Words: 114
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 1502
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 726



    Description:
       Please note that this poem was not yet another one of those written in the midst of depression. Instead, it deals with the raw animal emotion of fear. Feel free to comment as wish.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMidnightdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Midnight, and heaven's lanterns cast their shaded die
    Over a suburban stage. Bathed in cool twilight,
    A wooden curtain barely holds its shape in the haze
    Of the late-night hours; all the while the shadows rest,
    Thirsting minds dream of suns and stellar bodies,
    But no sun breaks the dark to light this night.

    A tear, a gasp: and a child is wrenched from slumber
    Onstage. Waking to no audience but darkness,
    It shivers as shadows converge: the coiling compass
    Draws an ever constricting circle round its neck.
    Seconds pass, and the child cracks; clasping terror
    Rips through the child's lungs, and silence is hacked to shreds.




    Submitted on 2004-10-22 21:25:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I'm not a fan of capitalizing the start of each line - it's just personal opinion but yea - see how this poem looks when you drop all the caps apart from the start of your sentences.

    I think 'ever-constricting' should be hyphenated.

    Even without your description, this poem paints a stark painting of the depths of depression. I know where you're coming from with this, so I feel for ya. I think it's a predilection (is that how you spell that damn word?) for a lot of poets to be depressed lol - or at least that's where the motivation to first start writing comes from - I thought the world was gonna end when I first picked up the pen at thirteen lol - and it shows in those poems...

    You've used a lonely stage as a great metaphor for depression - you haven't stated it directly which is good... your first stanza is a good intro to this stage/mind of yours - this line in particular drew me in - 'Thirsting minds dream of suns and stellar bodies, ' - the alliterative effect rolls off the tongue nicely and it is also a great way to describe that feeling of wanting to reach for the stars - but being horribly stuck on this god-forsaken earth lol.

    Second stanza - you bring this child in (which I'm guessing is your persona in third-person perspective), and I can literally see this child onstage waking up to darkness, fear consuming him as he cries out for understanding.

    But that's just what I get... and I think you did an effective job describing that constricting hopeless feeling.

    Yea... depression sucks.
    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-01-28 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      i liked this piece. it sounded really cool and eerie like. i could picture it. my favorite parts are
    " heaven's lanterns " and "all the while the shadows rest" and "Thirsting minds dream of suns and stellar bodies". this is a really good peice. i like the modd of it. good job.
    | Posted on 2004-10-22 00:00:00 | by _Joeysgirl_ | [ Reply to This ]
      This was eerie. But, in a good way. You painted a picture of fear very well. I think its good. I liked the lines:

    Draws an ever constricting circle round its neck.
    Seconds pass, and the child cracks; clasping terror
    Rips through the child's lungs, and silence is hacked to shreds.

    I got the explicit picture of a child waking up from a nightmare and screaming? Awesome.
    | Posted on 2004-10-22 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]


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