When She Sleeps by max

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Submission Name: When She Sleeps dots

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Author:	max
ASL Info:	27 m tennessee
Elite Ratio:	3.5 - 152/191/55
Words:	73

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	370
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	463

Description:

When She Sleeps dots

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When she sleeps the sleep of love
in her midnight rain,
the sprinkles fall to earth while
she dreams of love.

I hope it's me she's dreaming of.

When her gentle head inside it, rotates
gentle thoughts of her future,
I hope her brain concieves of me,
and sees my face in the candid rain--
While she sleeps this night I'll pray
that we get together in the future.

Submitted on 2004-10-22 23:19:20 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  ^_^ I loved it! MMMMM. I love how I can taste words. Yours tasted of, well you know how they say that taste is 90% smell or the other way around? Well I could taste the smell of rain in your words, and taste the smell of clean sheets. And I could taste many other things...that really can't be explained.....*bites lip* hehe

When she sleeps the sleep of love
in her midnight rain,
the sprinkles fall to earth while
she dreams of love.

Sleep is such an innocent act. Like thinking of someone watching you as you sleep, it's kind of a great feeling ya know? 'the sleep of love' I like that. But can't wrap my mind around the phrase. Helpsies? *sticks out bottom lip* heehee. Sigh. And I love the rain, so that makes me like it soooo much more!!!!

I hope it's me she's dreaming of

I love how this line stands alone. It gives it THAT much more power. ^_^ I've sometimes thought this very same thing....

When her gentle head inside it, rotates
gentle thoughts of her future,
I hope her brain concieves of me,
and sees my face in the candid rain--
While she sleeps this night I'll pray
that we get together in the future.

Hoping to be in someone's future. Or hoping that that someone is thinking of you there. Something that I can relate to. ^_^ I feel that the last two lines could have been worded better, or wait, I think it's just the last line. It leaves something missing. 'that we get together in the future'. I'm not sure HOW (sorry about that), but I feel like it could be more powerful, leaving the reader with more of a sense of how badly you want this. Anyhoot O.O I really liked it!!!! I'll read more of you for sure. *huggles* Peash and inspiration!

Duv

| Posted on 2008-04-25 00:00:00 | by Draumrkopa | [ Reply to This ]
  I think its a beautiful poem...I like the line "She dreams of love"...Its only four words..But it really says so much...

Blessed Be
Krysti
| Posted on 2004-12-13 00:00:00 | by Krysti | [ Reply to This ]
  Nice love poem- but it conformed rather too much to the traditional idea of how a love poem should be written- there was some interesting figurative language ('sleep of love' 'midnight rain') but nothing that would distinguish it from the countless other poems out there. Words that spring to mind: cute, sweet, traditional.
Words that don't spring to mind: innovative, challenging, interesting, powerful.
| Posted on 2004-10-22 00:00:00 | by Civilian | [ Reply to This ]
  awwwwww. this is sweet. i hope everything with the girl goes right if this is based on an experience. i know if a guy wrote this for me id positively "swoon"! I know, how cliché of me. pretty awesome love poem though! Ciao!
~BCute
| Posted on 2004-10-22 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
  it is a nice little diddy! Many people will relate to it because all of us have wished to be in a longed for ones dreams!
good job
| Posted on 2004-10-22 00:00:00 | by B Adams | [ Reply to This ]

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