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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Finding Sleepdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Soulraven
    ASL Info:    31/Male/Illinois
    Elite Ratio:    4.05 - 510/481/142
    Words: 78
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 713
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 543



    Description:
       I often have trouble sleeping alot of thoughts in my head.

    Semper Fidelis,
    Christopher


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFinding Sleepdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I fought off thought,
    As I try to sleep.
    Tender dreams I sought,
    Of flowing images so sleek.

    The night stirred silently,
    Stars inside my head.
    My mind raged defiantly,
    As I laid their in my bed.

    Darkness flew in my windows,
    The sky like jet black.
    All around me gathered shadows,
    Progressing on my back.

    Night enveloped no sound,
    Things shrouded so neat.
    Thinking about all around,
    I finally fell a sleep.




    Submitted on 2004-10-23 10:41:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I fought off thought,
    As I try to sleep.
    Tender dreams I sought,
    Of flowing images so sleek.

    the imagery here is good. laying in bed trying to sleep, yet you can't because your thinking too much. you can eaisly picture a person in bed with a benign look on thier face as they lay in thier bed expecting entry to the sweet realm of dreams.

    "The night stirred silently,
    Stars inside my head.
    My mind raged defiantly,
    As I laid their in my bed."

    here you can see the face no longer contempt but wrecked with frustration as the person trys not to think but in doing so only thinks more and thus can not clear thier minds for the sleep to claim them.

    "Darkness flew in my windows,
    The sky like jet black.
    All around me gathered shadows,
    Progressing on my back."

    Outside the sky was dark and inside the person's room it was darkened by the many shadows seemingly closing in on the person as they try to enter sleep, like evil beings that only sleep can protect you from.

    "Night enveloped no sound,
    Things shrouded so neat.
    Thinking about all around,
    I finally fell a sleep."

    This part is where the smooth flow breaks a little...i think you should replace -things- like Jaycee said but i think it would also flow smoother if you changed -fell a sleep- to (fell to sleep) but that is just my suggestion and it does not have to be taken because it is your work not mine and how you wrote it may very well be the way you want to keep it. Otherwise the poem is good and offers a nice story to an otherwise common problem that people face at night, the act of achieving sleep. You made the ordinary quite intriguing though so good job. Keep up the good work, I hope to read more of your work soon.
    | Posted on 2005-10-18 00:00:00 | by iHaveNoName323 | [ Reply to This ]
      Darkness flew in my windows,
    try "Darkness flew through my window" it clarifies the line a bit better and gives a bit more imagery.

    Progressing on my back.
    try "progressing across my back" my fist mental image was of the person not the shadows and it made this line a bit awkward in context.

    Night enveloped no sound,
    Things shrouded so neat.
    Thinking about all around,
    I finally fell a sleep.
    This last stanza is not a complete as the others. It seems to have fallen prey to your rhyme. The" things" sticks out as too general and the "think about all around" when you look at that line by itself it does not stand. I would also use enshroud rather than "shroud" it gives the wrapping around contect .
    I liked the general message and idea hear, and can defieintely relate since I didn't go to sleep until 4 this morning.
    jan
    | Posted on 2004-10-23 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      i can certainly relate to not being able to sleep while thoughts rage through my head! you have a few typos... should be "tried" to sleep to fit with the previous tense, and their should be "there." the line "my mind raged defiantly" is really a good image for me. that's what it seems like when i'm laying there, tossing and turning! hope you get some sleep! sleep is sacred! good write!
    | Posted on 2004-10-23 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      BRAVO!!! muy bueno!!! i love it! i dont think that there is a soul alive that cannot relate to this! you gave more detail each stanza:you were trying to sleep, lying on your bed, lying on your back, you finally fell asleep. that was cool. i like how you described the sky as jet black ( i dont know where you live, but here it is purple with lights). i like your thought process: you guided us through it. cool. its a great poem. i like it! -kitten
    | Posted on 2004-10-23 00:00:00 | by winged_writer_robyn | [ Reply to This ]


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