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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Takedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Raksha
    ASL Info:    16/female
    Elite Ratio:    2.45 - 75/67/29
    Words: 71
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 318
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 420



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Takedots
    -------------------------------------------


    The beginning of the end.
    they can feel it in their hearts,
    feel the pounding of the beat.
    The beat of terror that fills the abyss.
    Blood trickles down and consumes,
    all that stands to what must be and may be forever.
    The dark hearts of human kind and the hole left behind,
    a scar of the past to remind us of,
    all the deaths caused from our own immolation.




    Submitted on 2004-10-23 19:52:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like this write, its good as it is, a very powerful idea and phrases to match. Here are some things you can consider trying though. Switch the first two lines, it even improves the internal rhyme.

    They can feel it in their hearts
    the beginning of the end
    feel the pounding of the beat,
    the beat of terror that fills the abyss.
    Blood trickes down and consumes
    all that stands as history
    and may forever be.
    The dark hearts of human kind
    the hole left behind
    a scar of the past to remind us
    all the senseless deaths
    from our own immolation.

    I love this, it seeks to answer "Hey, why are we killing us?" Realy great theme, thanks for letting me experiment, and let me know if any of this feels right.
    nansofast
    | Posted on 2004-11-08 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      This is deep. Extremely deep. You write really well and very beyond your years. This piece spoke a million words about a million different things running through my head.
    | Posted on 2004-10-24 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]



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