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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sole pane- a Haiku collectiondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Civilian
    ASL Info:    21/M/Australia
    Elite Ratio:    7.14 - 146/166/35
    Words: 60
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1232
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 422



    Description:
       This is group of similarly themed haiku-style poems. Feel free to comment on them seperately or as a whole.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSole pane- a Haiku collectiondots
    -------------------------------------------


    A new age unfolds
    Heartstrings pulse to the rhythm
    Your soul forgets the beat

    A sole pane opens
    This relic drifts out of sight
    A scene to forget

    Our ship sails calm seas
    But falls to a maelstrom's depths
    Swirling, swirling, gone

    Dark creeps through the clouds
    A dim day of doubters' haze
    Drifts towards nothing




    Submitted on 2004-10-23 21:32:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I think these haiku's almost fit together as a theme, you know? I'm just trying to figure out which order they should be in - intro, two meaty parts, then an outro as such lol.

    First haiku - third line has six syllables. Possibly change 'Your soul forgets the beat' to 'Soul forgets the/to beat' to make this fit with the requirements.

    Third haiku - second line is enjambed from the first line with having the word 'but' in there. Delete that and it'll be much better - although you'll have to add a syllable in there to make it seven syllables again. Perhaps something as simple as 'Falling to a maelstrom's depths'? Just a thought.

    Fourth haiku - third line is enjambed from the second line, strictly speaking. You can get rid of that by dropping the 's' from 'drifts' - see what I mean?

    I like haikus - and chaining them together makes it much more definitive and fleshed-out in my opinion. There's just something about writing only one haiku that seems a bit of a let down to me - it's just not much to read, you know?

    If you were to properly chain these together in sequence I would suggest replacing one of the 'drifts' with another word - repetition is noticeable and is best avoided in such a short form as this.

    I've read these over again and I've noticed that the second, third and fourth haiku's have the same theme - an object drifting somewhere, whereas the first haiku doesn't. By deleting the first from this post (but saving it of course), you could call it 'Chained Haiku of Sailing' or something.

    Hmm, these are just thoughts of mine... oh yea, and your picture didn't show up, wanna know why? When you paste a link in take out the http:// part as it already has it embedded in that photolink in the submission page. It ends up doubling the http:// part, thereby making it void. That took me AGES to figure out, so I'm passing on that knowledge to you lol.

    Yea, not much else to say. You did a great job with these.
    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-01-28 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      Of all the qualities that poetry can possibly possess, one of the most important, in my opinion, is brevity. Writing brief poetry is a true test of your ability to convey as much meaning as you can while remaing economical. It means a lot of crap, unneccesary words are trimmed of your poetry and you are left with the most important striking images and metaphors.
    You have achieved something great here, civiillian. Well done, my hat is off to you.
    | Posted on 2004-11-20 00:00:00 | by HaAtzmah | [ Reply to This ]


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