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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: This Diamond Ringdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mithrandir
    ASL Info:    28/m/N.Y.
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 452/681/113
    Words: 89
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 639
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 656



    Description:
       ok So I feel this piece needs some work, Im really drained at the moment and posted it looking for help. So please any and all suggestions questions or comments are 110% welcome. I think the last couple of lines need some work.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThis Diamond Ringdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I'm drifting off tonight
    writing lullabies
    for you I'll sing
    Im drifting off
    writing your diamond ring

    This ship I built with my hands
    to ferry me along
    it's just a fact

    I'll embrace this October night
    following the north star
    don't call me Ahab
    it's not vengence I seek

    I'll build our home with my hands
    Dress the walls with my words
    but first you have to accept
    this diamond ring I wrote
    not a demand
    just a fact






    Submitted on 2004-10-24 00:38:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I guess Up-N-Aroused hasn't read as many of your poems as I have. =P Nah, I'm teasing. Well, what I take from this is something of an ultimatum, and I dig it.
    | Posted on 2004-10-26 00:00:00 | by Ontlogicalamity | [ Reply to This ]
      this is such a sweet romantic write...i love the line about the diamond ring...the person seeking this persons love seems so heartful and loving...that first stanza seriously boy gives me goose bumps lol...i found it to be so romantic...defently my favorite part of the whole write...from reading others comments you must of changed it some from first posting ...well it turned out wonderful...smiles purps...
    | Posted on 2004-10-27 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
      The last stanza is gorgeous. Very romantic. I like the last line - "not a demand / just a fact" - if she doesn't accept your ring, there'll be no foundation to build on. Simple as that. Great job.
    | Posted on 2004-11-01 00:00:00 | by ber | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh yeah-it should be "vengeance." And about your description-I don't think the last two lines need any work at all. Maybe just some punctuation, if it wouldn't take away from the matter-of-factness of the lines.
    | Posted on 2004-11-01 00:00:00 | by ber | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with you about letting go of the first two stanzas. The way you've incorporated them later in the poem comes across much better. Fix the typo in "vengance" and take out "it's" in the last line and you have yourself a brilliant poem!
    | Posted on 2004-10-24 00:00:00 | by Beulah | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. This is an awesome piece. You know how to use words to paint a picture and make the reader feel what you're feeling. Truly wonderous. *smattering of applause*
    | Posted on 2004-10-24 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
      Nice peace, full of love and devotion. Style is somehow "out of time"-I like that.
    The idea of diamond ring is a cliché but you with your idea of writing it kind of change it all.
    Goog work.
    | Posted on 2004-10-24 00:00:00 | by Poly Jean | [ Reply to This ]
      wow... i completely love this... i love the writing a diamond ring... when i read the title all i could think of was the song about how the diamond ring doesnt sing coz his girl left him so im heaps glad that this poem is a nice happy sounding one ish. i love how you have presented this too... very well done! i like the ending myself... the 'its not a demand its a fact' you cant make someone love you back but that doesnt mean that you wont keep loving them i guess... yeah... i like this!
    | Posted on 2004-10-24 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      its prettty good
    i hate the ship part
    becuase i dont really get it
    but then it does link to ahab really well
    you are so funny the way you always bring other characters from other works in
    it is very sweet john
    | Posted on 2004-10-24 00:00:00 | by scorpio sphinx | [ Reply to This ]


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