Description: ok So I feel this piece needs some work, Im really drained at the moment and posted it looking for help. So please any and all suggestions questions or comments are 110% welcome. I think the last couple of lines need some work.
This Diamond Ring -------------------------------------------
I'm drifting off tonight
for you I'll sing
Im drifting off
writing your diamond ring
This ship I built with my hands
to ferry me along
it's just a fact
I'll embrace this October night
following the north star
don't call me Ahab
it's not vengence I seek
I'll build our home with my hands
Dress the walls with my words
but first you have to accept
this diamond ring I wrote
not a demand
just a fact
this is such a sweet romantic write...i love the line about the diamond ring...the person seeking this persons love seems so heartful and loving...that first stanza seriously boy gives me goose bumps lol...i found it to be so romantic...defently my favorite part of the whole write...from reading others comments you must of changed it some from first posting ...well it turned out wonderful...smiles purps...
Oh yeah-it should be "vengeance." And about your description-I don't think the last two lines need any work at all. Maybe just some punctuation, if it wouldn't take away from the matter-of-factness of the lines.
I agree with you about letting go of the first two stanzas. The way you've incorporated them later in the poem comes across much better. Fix the typo in "vengance" and take out "it's" in the last line and you have yourself a brilliant poem!
wow... i completely love this... i love the writing a diamond ring... when i read the title all i could think of was the song about how the diamond ring doesnt sing coz his girl left him so im heaps glad that this poem is a nice happy sounding one ish. i love how you have presented this too... very well done! i like the ending myself... the 'its not a demand its a fact' you cant make someone love you back but that doesnt mean that you wont keep loving them i guess... yeah... i like this!
its prettty good i hate the ship part becuase i dont really get it but then it does link to ahab really well you are so funny the way you always bring other characters from other works in it is very sweet john