Description: ok, ok. I give ya a description. This piece is supposed to be about being aone and helpless, but not lame and angst. I suck @ describing my poems. It makes them seem stupid.
The everlasting sun
Will set tonight
But the dark and congested streets
Will remain incredibly bright
The crowd entwined like spider-webs
I seem to be the prey
The candles will stay lit
And flicker on
And on again
I cannot blow them out
The melting wax continues
To dry
Hiding my true flesh
My thoughts are much too strong
But my voice
Does not carry
A single note today
But then again,
I cannot say
I’ve never gotten
Roses before
Only dandelions
Which I picked myself
From the field over there
All identical
So harmless
So stunning
I’m falling down
This endless hole
These butterflies
Are ancient
This feeling
Never seems to go away
I can’t seem to save myself
I feel so helpless
Like road kill
Just waiting till
Another car comes
And ends it all
If you don't want to explain to people what a poem is about, you need to make sure that the poem explains itself. When it's written from an EXTREMELY abstract perspective, it cannot do that.
"The" everlasting sun? What ever lasting sun, I've never seen one before so I don't know what one you're talking about. This is the problem in referring to things as "that, the, this"... we cannot SEE anything. Only your words, which paint the picture for us. The poet's job is to show the reader, not tell them.
There are several lines in this that are abstract and do not help the reader in their assesment. If you like, I'd be more than happy to go over them for you, but seeing as I don't know you, I don't want to give this an in-depth critique for fear that you'll think I'm rubbishing your work. I'm not. You do have a skill which shines through in your words and with some time and effort spent learning how to compose well I should think you'll be very good.
Overall, I can't say that this piece is good, as it isn't. It's not explaining itself, and so I don't know what I'm reading about. Maybe suicide. But that's only really because this is labelled as depressed and the tone is very negative. Learah
*I already mentioned to you why "the everlasting sun" doesn't work. When something is prefixed with "the", a word which is specific, it suggests that we already know wht it is that you are talking about. Seeing as this is the first line of the poem, it cannot be "the everlasting sun.". This goes for every "the" in the poem that has not been referred to already. Also, why will it set? Does the poem explain this? If not, I'd advise adding something explanatory here.*
But the dark and congested streets Will remain incredibly bright
*You've gone from a statement that the everlasting sun will set, to congested streets. Where's continuity? How can the streets remain incredibly bright if they're dark?*
The crowd entwined like spider-webs I seem to be the prey
*You CAN keep this "the", if you link the streets to the crowds. You've said that the streets were congested, and then moved on to the crowds, so I am going to guess that the crowds are the streets' traffic. However, if this poem were doing its job properly, I wouldn't have to guess, you know? So, if this were to be, say, the city's crowds, or anything that bridges that gap, you'll be in the right. Now. Spiderwebs don't entwine. A single web is made of entwined threads, but the webs themselves do not meet and twist together. I can't even imagine what it is that you're trying to say here. You seem to be the prey? How? Why? What are they doing that makes you feel that you are the prey? The line about the spiderwebs is also in past tense while the rest of the poem is future tense, so far, except for the last line above, which is present.It's not a good idea to mix tenses as it adds to a reader's confusion.*
The candles will stay lit And flicker on And on again
*Why will the candles stay lit? Why wouldn't they stay lit?*
I cannot blow them out
*Why not? Don't just tell us... show us. This type of poetry is called a "diary write", because it's like reading someone else's journal. We can't get a grasp of what's going on because you're not explaining, you're telling as if we have seen the same things you did. But of course, we haven't.*
The melting wax continues To dry Hiding my true flesh
*How does the wax hide your true flesh?!*
My thoughts are much too strong
*Give us an example, what are you thinking about that you cannot deal with?*
But my voice
*I've never been a fan of the word "but". It's very nagative, which suits this piece, I suppose, however (:P) you use "but" again a few lines down and the repetition is unnecessary because you didn't even need the first "but". Just "my voice" would have done. Does not carry A single note today
*Again... WHY???*
But then again, I cannot say
*Scratch this. You don't need it, this piece honestly does sound as if you are speaking to yourself.*
I’ve never gotten Roses before
*You said you can't say you've never received roses, and yet here you say that you've only received dandelions. What's going on?*
Only dandelions Which I picked myself From the field over there
*"Over there". How vague! respect your reader and your work by crediting them with some description in order to create a whole picture. You ask us to figure out what's going on in this piece, but how can we when you won't provide the clues?*
All identical So harmless So stunning *I don't like this. Roses are harmless. Okay, they have thorns but thorns will prick your skin and that's the extent of the damage. Not really harmful. Dandelions are a powerful diurectic. Here in Ireland they're called "Piss-in-the-beds" because the sap WILL cause you to evacuate your bladder... that sounds more harmful than a pricked finger to me! And stunning... why? What makes them stunning?*
I’m falling down This endless hole
*"This"? How are we supposed to know what your endless hole is like?*
These butterflies Are ancient
*Again with "these". Why are they ancient? Have they plagued you all your life, or all mankind since life began with the wheel and fire?*
This feeling Never seems to go away
I can’t seem to save myself I feel so helpless Like road kill Just waiting till Another car comes And ends it all
*Very pitiful. I quite like the roadkill line, gives some good visuals, but I feel it could be constructed with more care. All the "I"s in this piece give me nothing to relate to as they make sure we remember it's YOUR poem. When you add the diary aspect to that... it's not a good thing. The roadkill line could be more along "Like waiting roadkill, hoping for another car." It says exactly the same thing, without the I's
and bland filler words like "and, it, the, this, that," of which you have a HUGE amount.
I hope this helps. Remember that this is just a critique and I'm not saying your a bad writer, just that this poem needs a whole lot of work before you can say "figure it out yourself".
Well, I'd definately say that you got the vulnerability spot on. I have no complains or critisisms about this piece apart from the fact that in some places it rhymes, and in some places it doesn't. This makes for a rather sluttery flow to this piece, giving +'s for the vulnerability but -'s for the readability. Maybe a little more work needed there, but the general content was good, nice work.
I think perhaps a little more description would benifit this piece. Rhyming I don't think is a huge problem here. I would however consider the break up of the lines again. The line break up gives each line a very vulnerable quality. They reflect the piece's title because many lines seem very unsure of themselves apart from what is written above and below them. Consider rephrasing some of them to give them more meaning and emphasis. Strong lines can better display this emotion. Thanks for the read. keep working at this one. Peace
Submission Name: vulnerable
