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    dots Submission Name: sensitivity (revised)dots

    Author: besodemuerte
    ASL Info:    31/f/pa
    Elite Ratio:    5.83 - 242/253/27
    Words: 93
    Class/Type: Poetry/Sorry
    Total Views: 1301
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 677

       so i finally broke it up into stanzas, please let me know if it sounds good this way... and what i can do to improve it....oh yeah... "alor" was a personal term of endearment

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    dotssensitivity (revised)dots


    stains my fingernails
    like cigaretts on oily skin
    drains down my body
    as if water leaking through the ceiling
    dripping on my head

    in my head
    my head full of dreams and

    i lay my feelings on the table
    expecting hands to fold
    cards to be played
    instead you just wink and
    i know i've lost...

    my hope
    my sanity
    for you

    like a trade
    or a sacrifice
    an apple for an orange
    a hand for your loyalty
    my mind for your alor

    Submitted on 2004-10-24 23:23:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like what your trying to get across, but your making it hard for me. I had to read through twice to figure out what you were saying. Maybe I'm just slow. Anyway, I thought your poem was okay.
    | Posted on 2004-10-24 00:00:00 | by Klotho | [ Reply to This ]
      i really like the way you repeated "disappointments", made it more effective, and i like that it's such a visual poem, people can picture themselves in the same position. good work i like it lot.
    | Posted on 2004-10-24 00:00:00 | by kair | [ Reply to This ]
      YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY! I love it! You've done a beautiful wonderful magnificent job! I absolutely ADORE poems that are broken up into uneven stanzas and aren't just your standard poem, but have a little bit of unorthodoxness in them, and you've definitely done so. . . it's not completely immersed in unorthodoxness, but touched on the side and smeared on the top with it. . . just how I wish I could write. My favorite part was the fourth stanza, about how you sorta expect to have to fight, but then the person just "winks", and you know it's over. . . very interesting, I don't know why that held to me so much but there it is. Awesome write!
    | Posted on 2004-10-28 00:00:00 | by secret moon | [ Reply to This ]

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