[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Another Peek?dots

    Author: Clayton
    ASL Info:    55/Country Boy/Somewhere
    Elite Ratio:    5.03 - 883/810/194
    Words: 207
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 900
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1250

       Yes, deep inside there was a monster waiting to rear it ugly head, but I snipped in off with a little phrase I learned---"I'm Sorry"

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAnother Peek?dots

    There it was a big black spot,
    I thought I had lost it, but had not!
    Left from a former time of hate.
    I thought it was all gone,
    I hadn't looked as of late,

    The eight or ninth of September.
    It was a silly thing to remember,
    But the pain was so real.
    Just a simple forgotten birthday,
    I thought it no big deal,

    Just go to bed, and just shut-up.
    She broke my favorite tea-cup,
    And smashed a window pane.
    Wrecked the car into the garage,
    And said that I was to blame!

    She would not let me hold her tight.
    Well, it was a long and lonely night,
    The bed seemed so wide and cool.
    Morning brought another frown,
    I felt just like she wanted- a fool.

    Eating away to make me distraught.
    That sore became a canker spot,
    Like a cancer out of of control.
    No pills or chemo to halt its growth,
    Just lying there in its hatred pool,

    Kisses and smiles go a long way.
    Today I burned its roots away,
    For the liquor was of no use.
    I used a silly card and bear,
    And a huge jug of apple juice.

    Submitted on 2004-10-25 10:41:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      you have a few typos and spelling errors in here... hadn't in the first stanza...
    in the fifth stanza it should be it's growth you put "it growth"... also change jusy to just in the next line... other than that i think it has potential... but something about it doesn't flow.. it's kinda hard to understand and i had to read it twice to make sure i was getting it right... i do like the rhyme scheme you used... it's a tricky one... anyways.. glad you could get through this mess... and don't forget anymore birthdays...
    | Posted on 2004-10-25 00:00:00 | by besodemuerte | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh, "The Stand-off" how brutal...You wanna hold your ground...but someone (usually the more mature of the two) usually does what you did with the bear...peace is more important than who's right and wrong...

    I like the rhyme of this and the sentiment is true. Good job!
    | Posted on 2004-10-25 00:00:00 | by marysunshine | [ Reply to This ]
      i like it better this way... i'm not sure why.. you seemed to have kept the same lines, just switched up the order.. it flows nicer now and is easier to understand.. and i can feel the emotion better... especially in the third stanza... i am sorry to say that you still have a typo... shut-up right... sorry to nit pick... just trying to be helpful... i like what you did with it...
    | Posted on 2004-10-25 00:00:00 | by besodemuerte | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]