Description: total cheese-core... i know.. not usually my style.. just trying it out... i'm trying to get this stanza thing down... so please let me know if it sounds spaced right...and just your overall opinion...
the boy -------------------------------------------
So there's this boy I love
a thousand miles away.
I wonder what he's thinking
as the sun comes up.
Does he see my face
in his closed eyes?
Or hear my voince in the wind?
As the morning chill makes him long for me.
So there's this boy I love.
The sweet yet rugged cowboy.
A smile that tamed the west.
I could look in his eyes
and be lost in the desert for years;
-but only a moment has passed-
So there's this boy I love.
I peeked into his brain
and I saw myself.
Beautiful.
The way he see's me.
The way I see him.
Beso, this was really nice. At first, I thought the "so, there's this boy I love" was kind of, well...yeah, cheesy, but you kept using it and it took on meaning all its own. It was very imaginative. I especially liked the two cowboy stanzas - a smile that tamed the west and looking into his eyes and seeing the desert for years - in just a moment.
i think its cute how you kept using the line so there'sthis boy i love...it makes the write come off so sweet and innocent...like your having a conversation with a freind gushing over how wonderful he is...though you wrote this a while back reading your description...the stanzas seem fine though the last few lines...if it were me...i'd seperate them and let the thoughts stanad alone like
beautiful...
the way he sees me
the way i see him
or not just an idea...and it seems the stanzas with the repeated boy line your speaking outloud to someone and the stanzas inbetween are you thinking and wondering in your mind...i love that its great...purps
hmmm...well the beginning doesnt sound like poem form but the rest is does. what i mean is at the beginning it just sounds like sentences not arent like poem like. sorry if i confused ya. but this overall is a good one! bren
Submission Name: the boy
