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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Power of the Spoken Worddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: eener
    ASL Info:    21/f/wi
    Elite Ratio:    5.55 - 351/370/53
    Words: 54
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 999
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 388



    Description:
       A twist on the old "sticks and stones" bit. I believe the only thing worse than some spoken words is the absence of others. Think about that.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Power of the Spoken Worddots
    -------------------------------------------


    A stone thrown.
    A dispute words start.
    Which outcome would be worse?

    A broken bone.
    A broken heart.
    What fate bears the heavier curse?

    No stone impacted.
    No loving words spoken.
    Which absence is able to harm?

    No physical pain contracted.
    A soul badly broken.
    Who can hear a silent alarm?




    Submitted on 2004-10-28 00:04:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Renee, I like your poem on first reading, but I do feel it needs some revision. Please excuse me at this point while I hijack your poem and take over the controls.

    A stone thrown.
    A dispute words start.

    The above line sounds very awkward. Change it to "A dispute starts"

    Which outcome would be worse?

    A broken bone.
    A broken heart.

    The above line now simply needs to be changed to "Broken hearts" to fit in with the previous verse.

    What fate bears the heavier curse?

    Simplify the above line to "Which bears the heavier curse" for metrical reasons.

    No stone impacted.
    No loving words spoken.
    Which absence is able to harm?

    Change the above verse to:

    "A stone impacted.
    No loving word spoken.
    Which can cause the greater harm."

    because the sense is very difficult to follow as it stands and the last line of the verse sounds awkward.

    No physical pain contracted.
    A soul badly broken.
    Who can hear a silent alarm?

    In the above verse remove the "No" in the first time so that the presence of obvious physical pain is compared to the invisible mental pain, rather than the absence of physical pain being contrasted.

    So your poem now looks slightly different thus:

    A stone thrown.
    A dispute starts.
    Which outcome would be worse?

    A broken bone.
    Broken hearts.
    Which bears the heavier curse?

    A stone impacted.
    No loving words spoken.
    Which can cause the greater harm?

    Physical pain contracted.
    A soul badly broken.
    Who can hear a silent alarm?

    Read the two poems and see what I have tried to do with your rhyme, your rhythm and your sense. Now I am not suggesting that you accept my amendments to your poem. That wouldn't be right, because after all it is your poem based on the excellent idea you have, but I would like you, if you are willing, to try the thought process involved, where, the next time you write a poem, you scrutinize every word carefully to make sure it sounds right and means right. Keep changing things around until you are absolutely happy that every single word in your poem deserves its place there. Please do not be put off by my criticism. You have the potential to write fine poetry.
    | Posted on 2005-01-07 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
      i like the message - because it's difficult to really say for certain what weapon yields the worse wound. not having been a recipient of physical harm, i can only relate to the unhappy fate of being ignored by an indifferent loved one. and those hurts form scars more ugly and permanent than a clumsy moment. but on second thought, is it actually worse to be hurt physically, to know that their treatment of you and their ugly words (or no kind words at the least) is their emotional response to you? maybe that's worse. it's a thought provoking piece.

    about your piece ... tight, careful scheme but the last line doesn't leave me with anything. no punch, or rug being pulled out from under me. very underwhelming. perhaps put it this way:

    No stone impacted.
    No loving words spoken.
    Which absence is able to harm?

    No physical pain contracted.
    A soul badly broken.
    Who can hear a silent alarm?

    A thrown stone.
    A dispute words start.
    Which outcome would be worse?

    A broken bone.
    A broken heart.
    What fate bares the heavier curse?

    in this arrangement, it seems to leave the reader with something to chew on afterward, which i think is what people read for - something to linger over. anyhow, great work, keep writing and such. sorry to have rambled on so long there. =]

    ~Blue
    | Posted on 2004-10-28 00:00:00 | by blueorchids | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this the way it is.. but i also like blues suggestion.. it reads slightly better ..but stick with what you think :)
    | Posted on 2004-10-28 00:00:00 | by stormyskies | [ Reply to This ]
      I like your poem cuz it is very simple and powerful.
    I get the message hidden in it. I really enjoyed reading this it.
    Keep it up
    with love shabnam
    | Posted on 2004-10-28 00:00:00 | by shabnam | [ Reply to This ]
      This is probably the best thing I've read from you. I think I'd break up your second line to "A dispute/ words start." It needs to be "bears" since you mean to carry a load. I'd like to see you try something unrhymed.
    | Posted on 2004-10-28 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]


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