Sleepless by EternitysLyre

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Submission Name: Sleepless dots

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Author:	EternitysLyre
ASL Info:	20/M/Taiwan.
Elite Ratio:	7.13 - 151/168/42
Words:	118

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	338
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	811

Description:
In dreams he wanders every day; To find the faith that ran away.

Sleepless dots

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Mild, wild, reconciled tenures beyond old
Stalking, talking, always walking venues flee and fold
Tales impaled and sleep derailed together take their hold
On weary, withered echoes and the endless, listless colds

As bleary eyes depicted for the truth his dreams were sold
From every night his restitute within redemption drawn
Short-lived as the moments were they lavished lover's gold
With nothing left to visualize, his last safe haven gone

In trodden soles and weathered will his journey shambles on
The nonstop top whose whirlwind whisks the wishing out of dawn
Between the moon and icy dunes the desert dries upon
Aged, waged pages of the golden glimmers gone

Submitted on 2004-10-28 06:37:35 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  this doesnt flow at all plus it's too structured. You are writing like a fifty year old man, whats goin on here, to tell yopu the truth I don't even agree with half the stuff you are talking about
for instance
Mild, wild, reconciled tenures beyond old
Stalking, talking, always walking venues flee and fold
Now what the heck is that supposed to mean. Seriously what did you buy as poetry book or something and study it cause this is just drab and boring at least to me, My personal opinion of poetry in a whole you will not like being so text book and all. But let me run it diown for you;poetry isn't about a rhyme or a fancy word or words strung together; made to seem elequent and inteligent, NO it's about feelings . I believe that the simplest way to get your point accross isn';t to confuse the [censored] out of someone or unravel their mind because I just spewed some garbage about how The winds spectrum conceives angels in heavanlys bliss toinight or some bull[censored] like that. It was a lovely night is how that in my opiniomn works and then I like it to rhyme with an other word or something lol - Hey I am sorry I am in a rotten mood and I remembered a comment that you gave me a while back and so I thought I'd vent some of it on you. For that I am sorry. Your poem isn't that bad. It is very strucyured aand to me that is drab. I can tell you are proboly very inteligent and I would love to see you write something more my style and off your head . I believe you called it free verse or something along those lines anyway try to broiaden your horizons and expand your subject matter and dont be so anal with the use of your poetry. L.t
| Posted on 2005-03-19 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]
  Interesting, very interesting. I thought it was very good. It flows very nicely. good write keep up the good work.
| Posted on 2004-10-28 00:00:00 | by Marbles | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, I have to say that I really like the rhyming in this piece, it was artful in the extreme and to a certain extent, rolled straight off my tongue. I say to an extent for I feel that there is punctuation needed to prevent a slight tongue-tying. The punctuation should be applied in the middle (after reconciled, walking, derailed, etc.)

Now. This part I hate to do but I will not lie to you. The poem is abstract. It is all very well to have such a pleasurable, meandering rhythm and delightful vocabulary if the poem itself does not make sense.

In this piece you merely tell and do not show. It is the job of the poet to paint a picture with the words to create a good visualisation for the reader to latch on to in order for the poem to receive the justice that it deserves.
Mild, wild tenures... sounds very good, but what are they, why are they mild and wild?
I don't know mate... it's very hard for me to ignore the lessons I have learnt about poetry and its structure and how to make a poem that is sound not only in verse but also in theory. I gathered so much enjoyment reading this, just for the phonetics, but the abstract sentences that do not explain themselves left me at the end wondering... what was it he was talking abou again? That is what happens when a rhyme is so entrancing but the words are not self-explanatory; the reader is sent into a semi trance in which the tone and metre mesmerises but they overpower the faint meaning of the poem.

I'm unsure whether to continue on this because you and I have had our differences through critique before and it is not my wish to offend you again. That is honestly not my intention. So what I'll do is leave my comment here, and if you'd like to hear my elaboration, just let me know. If you'd prefer to merely hear my compliments and regards, which really are high, then we'll leave it here.

Learah.
| Posted on 2004-10-28 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]

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