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Excursions


Author: EternitysLyre
ASL Info:    20/M/Taiwan.
Elite Ratio:    7.13 - 152 /170 /42
Words: 479
Class/Type: Prose /Misc
Total Views: 1295
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 2786



Description:


This is actually a college application essay of mine; any sort of critical commentary (as long as it's substantial) would be greatly appreciated.


Excursions




“To be a writer is to spend one hour looking for one world, but making one word more meaning than all the world.”
~The Palatine Poet


The constant clattering of the keyboard could only try to keep up with the mind at work; too often were the ideas so extraordinary and grand that they found themselves lost in translation, with nothing but gibberish to represent what could have been the last original idea. Logic was too easily misplaced in the hands of his addictions¬—wherever the words were coming from, they flowed incessantly, like drugs jolting sweet pleasure into his palms.
I won’t deny it. Writing goes beyond an adjective as simple as “hobby” for me. My crude five-year-old fable about the “good King Tom” and his nemesis, the “Bad King Thomas” were all but a joke; the three-word sentences compounded by five-letter adjectives spelt for nothing but laughter, but the experience was a taste. A taste of the wine between the words, the first sample of escapist ecstasy I’d never be able to shake off. I’ve been hooked ever since—I became a writer.
The years in between paint a mosaic of memories; countless attempts to sort out the meaning of life with my pencil dallying idly above the evening’s math homework, hours in bed tossing and turning with thought in my bed, myriad images all melded into one great canvas called life. Yet no matter how shadowy the hour, how dim the overtones depicted, I always found hints of hope to turn to, and from even the darkest moment, reprieve.
I believe in the magic that takes place on paper, that thoughts and emotions take life. I'm a follower of the faith in which one man can take the twenty-six letters of the alphabet, and transform them into something else. I’m a horseman of an infinite expanse, mounted on imagination, almost waiting for grassy meadows to sprout under my escapism. I'm a devotee to the realm and reality where life is but a passing phase, but words go on forever. I'm an addict to that sensation of joy that fills you when you finally find that one perfect word.
I’m a writer. In moments, I can go anywhere, make anything, and be anyone, all in the blink of my mind’s eye. All I need is the right incantation of adjectives, nouns, and metaphors; I can take anyone else with me—I need only spell. I can tread alongside Frodo and Sam in Tolkien’s trilogy without ever setting my eyes on Elijah Wood, think happy thoughts and fly to Neverland, and save the world a few times over with just enough time to have dinner at seven. Dreams do come true, on this side of the world. Things may seem a little flat at first, but to me the blacks-on-whites create more colors than the rainbow.




Submitted on 2004-10-29 00:17:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Well, this was certainly interesting, but I didn't think it was as smooth as it could have been. So, Jonathan...here we go!

too often were the ideas...Logic was too easily misplaced

These phrases were used in back to back sentences and jolted me immediately upon reading the second one. Since it is an unusual sentence structure (not incorrect, just a little different than you normally see), it stands out. One of them should be changed so as not to jar your reader's senses.

I found the switch from a third person point of view to a first person point of view within the piece a little disconcerting. In my opinion, it would read better if it were all first person. If you want to keep the beginning in third person in order to set up the rest of it, then perhaps you could put more of a transition in there.

adjective as simple as “hobby” - hobby is a noun, not an adjective, at least when used alone. To be an adjective, it would need to be paired with the word it was modifying, e.g., hobby store, hobby farm, etc.

My crude five-year-old fable about the “good King Tom” and his nemesis, the “Bad King Thomas” were all but a joke; the three-word sentences compounded by five-letter adjectives spelt for nothing but laughter, but the experience was a taste.

Now why would you call your writing at 5 almost a joke? In a positive piece, I found this bit of negativity distasteful.

A taste of the wine between the words, the first sample of escapist ecstasy I’d never be able to shake off.

Never is a long time and you haven't been there, yet. Therefore, this sentence on its face is hyperbole and best left out.

The years in between paint a mosaic of memories;

Man, do you have a mixture of similes here! First of all, the piece is about writing, so that is on our minds. Then you talk about painting, but you throw in "mosaic". Mosaic is tile work - not painting. So you aren't painting pictures, or laying tile. What are you doing? Why you're reminiscing! This sentence needs serious rewriting! Serious!

hours in bed tossing and turning with thought in my bed,

Do you toss and turn WITH thought or BECAUSE OF thoughts?

I always found hints of hope to turn to, and from even the darkest moment, reprieve.

Reprieve from what? Tossing and turning? Trying to find the meaning of life? From what did you find a reprieve?

I’m a horseman of an infinite expanse, mounted on imagination, almost waiting for grassy meadows to sprout under my escapism.

This just doesn't make sense (although I do like "mounted on imagination". That was good.) I know what you mean, but the words don't make sense. What is a "horseman of an infinite expanse"?

With the next several sentences = right up to your incantation of adjectives (I liked that, too) - you have absolutely taken flight. Right over the top, actually. This is just a bit much. You've thrown so many pretty phrases in there, so many wildly imaginitive metaphors, that they've all lost power. Take out a few and those that remain will gain strength. Kind of like thinning your early vegetable garden or disbudding roses.

We're nearing the end, now. Hold on for just a bit longer. Your reference to Tolkien is out of place here. You aren't writing Tolkien, you're reading it, but your piece is about your desire to write. That line just doesn't fit.

Things may seem a little flat at first, but to me the blacks-on-whites create more colors than the rainbow.

I don't think you could have written a wimpier ending! This was horrible, Jonathan! First of all, what does it mean? What may seem flat at first? Whatever it means, ditch it! You have a beautiful ending sentence just prior to this disaster, absolutely beautiful. Use it.

Okay, we're at the end and I'm done. My overall opinion is that it's just a bit much - almost as though you fell in love with the idea of writing it and got carried away! Sorry, Jonathan. mae
| Posted on 2005-04-16 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]
  Minus a few typos here and there I found this very well written. Albeit a bit on the long side but you keep the interest going with vivid images and analogies. One suggestion in the quote - I would exchange "meaning" with "meaningful". Otherwise a great write.
| Posted on 2004-10-29 00:00:00 | by Beulah | [ Reply to This ]


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