How long shall i dance
To it's repeated tunes?
This dance which come my way oft';
Marr my conscience with guilt
And subjects me to a step lower
When a contrite spirit i wear,
Then perfections' imminence lifts hope
From despair' grip.
Thus will due reality fortify struggle to trudge on...
| i thought that it was good. there were a few grammatical errors. in line 2 it should be "its" and "mar" at the beginning of line 4. i didn't like the last line, though. i didn't feel it fit in with the rest of the poem. it seemed to throw the flow off. neways, i thought that it was good. keep it up.||| Posted on 2004-10-29 00:00:00 | by maquiladora | [ Reply to This ] || Some quite original vocabulary in this text mate, and that swaying feeling bouncing on and off. You managed to 'clear' the poem from dark emotions to hope nicely, too. I agree with the others though, I think you should break up the last line.||| Posted on 2004-10-29 00:00:00 | by the apocrypha | [ Reply to This ] || Na...the end fits for me...if you broke into two...|
it might change thier minds...but it that what you want?...I like it as is.
I void of some thing that screams to be filled...
make do till more comes along...wow
Very real emotion we all face throughout our lives...hard when it take so long thouhg...huh?
Thank you for sharing your longing soul with us
|| Posted on 2004-10-29 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ] |