Burned by silence (Revised) by bornx2000

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Submission Name: Burned by silence (Revised) dots

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Author:	bornx2000
Elite Ratio:	5.91 - 233/163/38
Words:	99

Class/Type:	Poetry/Depressed
Total Views:	386
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	809

Description:
- Mood: down (Depressed)

- Reason: Just scribling

- History:
After a lapse of 5 years, tried to enter a relationship. - it can only get better from now on.

Thanks for the comments from dandilion13 and Ted from Corea, to help improve this piece.

Thanks to UnspokenDreamer as well, for the input.

Burned by silence (Revised) dots

-------------------------------------------

Burned by silence
Torn inside,
The more it hurts,
The more we hide.
Facing the truth:
Like a train wrecked into concrete,
Landing face first
aircraft grounded since 2001;
All attempts to refuel
Turned to scars.

Finding solitude,
a worthy opponent,
to mend my ways.

Tried to erase the years,
With memories still intact.
Changing my fears
to nightmares.
Every relationship
the same pattern.
re-occurring act.
More tragic than the last.

Like demons from nowhere
old feelings rise.
Gouging out my heart,
while growing their lies.
Coursing through my veins,
ancient poison,
spreading its pain.

Submitted on 2004-10-29 07:01:39 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  This was an interestingly different poem. An unusual type of rhyme scheme that I think ended up working for the poem. I liked the allusion to ancient poison. It's a simple poem with a clear message, and it's executed very well. Maybe try to integrate the train wreck/airplane grounded a little better with the more faraway, insightful language of the rest of the poem.

Lovely.
| Posted on 2007-02-26 00:00:00 | by awastedsky | [ Reply to This ]
  oh my gosh kiddo,your choise of words blows my words on what to say out of the water.

But here goes my thoughts on this poem,

With hope all we can do is take a relationship one day at a time.
Sometimes you can be with a person for years then one day their true self is comes out.

Sometimes its good and sometimes its oh my lord who is this person i'm with.

I felt your hurt in this poem and I see your positive side.

"this stanza to me I felt the hurt and pain rearing its ugly head,"

"Like demons from nowhere
old feelings rise.
Gouging out my heart,
while growing their lies.
Coursing through my veins,
ancient poison,
spreading its pain."

Here is where I felt your positive outlook,

"Finding solitude,
a worthy opponent,
to mend my ways."

To me that stanza,finding solitude a worthy oppnent to mend my ways ....that is a positive road you took.
All and all you wrote this from your heart.You pulled alot of feelings out from deep within.

| Posted on 2007-02-25 00:00:00 | by deluka | [ Reply to This ]
  Very well done. I loved the emotion woven through this piece, and the over all feel. Nice structure, and nice flow. Good word choice too.

My favourite part was:

"Tried to erase the years,
with memories intact.
Changing my fears
to nightmares."

Along with the very last stanza. I can definitely relate to this one. No contructive criticism here, just appreciation for a poem well done :)

Cheers and God bless!

~Mandi~
| Posted on 2007-02-17 00:00:00 | by Mandi Gayle | [ Reply to This ]
  Like demons from nowhere
old feelings rise.
Gouging out my heart,
while growing their lies.
Coursing through my veins,
ancient poison,
spreading its pain.

This strophe is great, I can feel it. And if this caused you that kind of trauma then, why would you want it back? Just looking at this I see how you've realized relationships are designed to help us grow.
You even describe the repeating pattern we use to find lovers who will heal the ugliest part of ourselves.

Tried to erase the years,
with memories intact.
Changing my fears
to nightmares.
Every relationship
the same pattern.
re-occurring act.
More tragic than the last.

Very well done, not a wasted word or emotion to contend with
and you show a great understanding of yourself between the lines. Thanks for sharing.

Nan

| Posted on 2007-02-13 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
  hello, and first off...thank you for all your freaking crazy ass support!
Words run from me...but that's not uncommon as of late..
anyway, about your work. Very emotional. very in-your-face real. like it. I like when words read lke a voice. My writing can't always come out that way and leave me feeling like I have accomplished a good write. I wish I could do it gracefully and sit back and feel good. I love Bukowski, I must tell you..anyway, just a hint (first stanza..."all attempts...turns..." watch the grammar, there...) otherwise, great write. From your profile you have been around a while I see...nice to finally find you. Where are you from?
Ilove this poem, buy the way. you know what I really loved?? Fist off that I could relate to you, and second, that it WAS indeed you I was relaing to and I knew that...I will go read more...
thanks agan for your support. I am inspired to write more...I will try..
Annie
| Posted on 2005-09-07 00:00:00 | by Anniehodgkiss | [ Reply to This ]
  Oooh what a beautiful piece...Its very sad, but it has been crafted with such astuteness..It read like my life story.Nevertheless, I loved its element of cynisism...its not a bad thing though..it intricately captures the moment...
I loved the truth in this piece...It fervently articulates your harsh encounters with love...A very heartwrenching piece...The kind of write that one needs to be inspired to not want to love again hahahah just a joke.On the real this was breath taking..and it read like a tragic love letter...Hope you found solace when you crafted this one...However, I belive you
were emancipated from the hurt for you have meticulously expressed the pain...A very moving piece...Be happy...Nobantu
| Posted on 2005-08-29 00:00:00 | by Nobantu | [ Reply to This ]
  This has improved tremendously, nice revision man, I enjoyed it a lot, I must rush though the bell jsut rang for class to end, goo re-write.
Take Care,
-Tom
| Posted on 2005-05-16 00:00:00 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ]
  This was good, the whyme was weak, it seemed so easyily created, the idea of this is good though. I can relate to the feelings a lot. This line could use some revision...

"Clawing, and growing their lies inside"
Perhaps,
"Guoging out my heart and growing their lies inside"

Maybe something like the, I thnk you should change crawling to gouging for sure though, it goes better with the idea of growing inside. Good write.
Take care,
-Tom
| Posted on 2005-05-13 00:00:00 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ]
  We all long for self-improvement, and when we're this sort of age, it usually leads to self-hatred when we discover we cannot really change some aspects of ourselves. I know how much this situation sucks - it will end soon, you'll become an adult and stop caring, don't worry.
| Posted on 2004-10-29 00:00:00 | by whiteknight | [ Reply to This ]

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