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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Fadesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: bornx2000
    Elite Ratio:    5.91 - 233/163/38
    Words: 74
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1056
    Average Vote:    4.5000
    Bytes: 598



    Description:
       - its something that just started to flow
    - again scribbling

    Thanks for:

    The suggestions from "Alteredlife", to improve the flow and to stream line it more.

    Would like to thank blue-monk as well, for the suggestion to remove the capital letters.

    - after the first version, it got revised and after talking to alterdlife, have decided to put both versions on display - and would like to know, which one is better, the meaning in both is the same ...



    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFadesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Version 2 (haiku-like form ... credit to alteredlife)
    ------------

    beauty fades
    like a water-painting
    in the rain

    ~open arms, let the colors run~

    the meaning's lost
    but the painter
    will remain

    Version 1 (First version slightly revised)
    ------------

    Beauty fades
    like a water-painting,
    standing in the poring rain,
    open arms, let the colors run
    as pure as tainted pain,
    the meaning is lost
    but the painter
    still remains.




    Submitted on 2004-10-29 07:21:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I just love this piece. I can't say much more than what others have said, but I just wanted to let you know! I added it to my favorites. I definitely like the first version better, but the second version (haiku) works as well. Thanks!

    -Dave
    | Posted on 2007-03-08 00:00:00 | by Wired | [ Reply to This ]
      I must tell you I like the second version better it had more of a flow to it.
    Altough it was a short poem it held alot of meaning.
    Well done I put it in my fav's
    | Posted on 2007-02-25 00:00:00 | by deluka | [ Reply to This ]
      In V 1 there is a lot of repetition with the "paint" and similar sounds, so watch out for that.

    Honestly, it feels a little heavy.

    Also, "tainted pain"? It seems like you can do much better than that...that is borderline angst drivel!

    Barring those two complaints it is nice.
    | Posted on 2007-02-18 00:00:00 | by Fizzlethorpe | [ Reply to This ]
      This is beautiful. Very touching, and I love the imagery of it. A lot is said in very few words. I like the second one better because I like the tainted pain line that is lost in the second version. Maybe something like this:

    Beauty fades
    like a water-painting;
    standing in the poring rain-

    open arms, let the colors run

    as pure as tainted pain,
    the meaning is lost
    but the painter still remains.

    Just a suggestion :) But I adore this write!

    Cheers and God bless!

    ~Mandi~
    | Posted on 2007-02-17 00:00:00 | by Mandi Gayle | [ Reply to This ]
      Very nice and lots of meaning within such a short poem. It doesn't need the capitals at the head of each line, nor much of the punctuation.
    | Posted on 2007-02-12 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      Your poem made me so sad. What meaning is meaning if beauty fades? O how I wish a rose could turn into a bud again*, O how i wish ... What's the point? It's a fool's hope! Still, there is pleasure in savoring a lovely, flowing poem even if the heart cries a little unable to bear the truth of it all.

    -Angel-
    | Posted on 2007-02-06 00:00:00 | by Angel_Sin | [ Reply to This ]
      I loved this poem...simply amazing.
    I loved how you talked about the painting that was beautiful, but lost its color in the rain...funny thing is that the painter still remained...so in all essence, the beauty still remained.
    | Posted on 2005-09-05 00:00:00 | by longwinterdays | [ Reply to This ]
      you have no idea what this seriously mean?!?!
    beauty doesn't remain for eternity...it washes away like a painting.
    even though the painting is now ruined by the rain...or the beauty by the time...love still remains.
    the painter who painted the painting (wait a min. that's a lot of painting!) is still there because even though beauty is lost...but the love is still there!
    DON'T YOU GET IT?
    I LOVE THIS POEM...ADDING IT TO MY FAVE LIST!

    -fearless
    | Posted on 2005-08-04 00:00:00 | by Fearless | [ Reply to This ]
      Hello. This was a.m.a.zn.g
    I loved it. The fluid within your pen could be conceived magical! I'm sure that you, at least, know a little bit of what you wrote about here; or if not, you will learn soon.
    Beautiful, simply six lines...that is art.

    Viva
    M!
    | Posted on 2005-08-04 00:00:00 | by Suven7 | [ Reply to This ]
      I love this! Awesome write, very short but it worked. It's so perfectly worded and the examples are tremendous. The last line is my favorite for sure, great write.
    Take Care,
    -Tom
    | Posted on 2005-05-13 00:00:00 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
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