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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I Remember...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: JimweiZERO
    Elite Ratio:    5.38 - 1500/844/80
    Words: 143
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1472
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 963



    Description:
       A little trip to the past for me but I needed to get a lot out of me. I don't know if this has done anything though. I hope you all enjoy it as I don't get to submit that often anymore...

    If any errors, improvements etc could be pointed out, I would most appreciate it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI Remember...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I remember when...
    We used to talk,
    Standing around
    Or just on a walk,
    But since then time's moved on
    And so much has changed,
    Yet you seemed to think
    It's all stayed the same.

    I remember how...
    We used to laugh,
    And I used to smile
    In the aftermath,
    But something has happened
    And the joke's long dead,
    Yet you seemed to think
    It was me and my head.

    I remember where...
    I first had to cry,
    Bleeding my feelings
    To all passers by,
    But despite all my grief
    And my obvious sorrow,
    Yet you seemed to think
    It would be gone by tomorrow.

    I remember who...
    Has caused all this,
    The ultimate pain
    And the ultimate bliss,
    But all of my longing
    And all that I do,
    Will all count for nothing
    Just because I love you.




    Submitted on 2004-10-29 15:49:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      oh 'time's' is 'times'

    necrotic
    | Posted on 2007-07-31 00:00:00 | by necrotic | [ Reply to This ]
      "I remember where...
    I first had to cry,
    Bleeding my feelings
    To all passers by,
    But despite all my grief
    And my obvious sorrow,
    Yet you seemed to think
    It would be gone by tomorrow."

    THAT IS EXACTLY HOW MY MAN THINKS!

    How odd.

    I just cried so much last night, for some reason I just broke down and freaked out and I couldn't stop. I think it was all the built up stress and sadness I'm going through, but he only made things worse and then left me alone as if it was just all going to leave. 'Bleeding my feelings' I love, because it hurts when you cry after holding it in for long periods of time, like your bleeding from your mind, and your thoughts are slipping through like mice, to shadow the color of your eyes and shelter themselves along the craters of dreams, haunting as days pass by, leaping on your tongue and flooding your eyelids with heaviness and oceans of sorrow poor like insanity..

    Eh... I got carried away, BUT, I think I'm on to something, gtg lol, faves

    necrotic
    | Posted on 2007-07-31 00:00:00 | by necrotic | [ Reply to This ]
      This was amazing, this goes a lot for me and a lost friend. I will surely remember this poem, thanks so much! :-D
    | Posted on 2007-04-03 00:00:00 | by Fhraelaok | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, Well you just keep doing it and doing it great write once again. It made me STOP an think about my past relationships. Like one that I was in love with my best friend and he didnt love me back but yeat we stayed friends unitl like a dumbass ruined it with my feelings. Well most my poems are about this situation. Wll anyways great write I enjoyed very much.
    -Christina aka POETRY
    | Posted on 2006-04-11 00:00:00 | by POETRY | [ Reply to This ]
      *Nods in understanding* I just..this made ME think back to past relationships, people I've lost. And, you have a way of relating to your reader by talking to them and not through or down to them. I only wish someday I could be half the writer you are. I really love your work.
    ~BCute
    | Posted on 2004-12-08 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
      i think this is portrayed so nice. you have a with words that i wish i could. you emotions in this are so real and touching. there's nothing better than when you can write "frustrations" on paper and others can understand. You are so amazing and i love reading you work. **
    | Posted on 2004-11-11 00:00:00 | by _winky_ | [ Reply to This ]
      The flow and the rhyme are so natural! How I wish I could get such images organized into a pattern and flow like you have!
    Your images are heart-rendering, but not overwrought or cliché.
    Very well thought-out piece!
    (obviously well felt, too )
    | Posted on 2004-11-07 00:00:00 | by latentlylyrical | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree, it's lovely. Raw emotion. I hope this did help a little, I can't really see any errors.Just had to say I liked it.I usually go back and comment on somebody who has commented for me, and let me say Iwas not dissapointed!Keep up the good work.
    Camoflage
    | Posted on 2004-11-06 00:00:00 | by camoflage | [ Reply to This ]
      WOW it's like... me all over again... you really do have it bad... the emotion you put into it made me want to cry... I thought it was overall awesome
    | Posted on 2004-11-05 00:00:00 | by xSweetestThingx | [ Reply to This ]
      Aww You have it bad. This was very sad. I like the little touches you give like this: "And the joke's long dead". Overall, I know this feeling. Loving someone because of the bliss and because of the sadness. Good job!
    -blt
    | Posted on 2004-11-05 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      lovely. and the repetition of i remember was good too, rather gave the whole poem a touch of nostalgia. the rhyming was good too, not really forced but at one place where you say me and my head, i dont think and my head looks or sounds good, what about it were the thoughts in my head.

    except for that one bit of suggestion this piece is relly very good. your styles improving so much!! great work james keep it up!!

    Zu
    | Posted on 2004-11-05 00:00:00 | by Zu | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a very good poem. I like the idea of making a poem about remembering things, because memories sometimes seem to be all we have, and it is a very nice thing to think about. You made me think about memories and things when I read this, very nice. Also it had good feeling in it, the love was strong. The only suggestion I could possibly make is to maybe change the one line to "It would be gone by tomorrow," that is just a suggestion, what you have works nice too, but yeah it was a good poem. Nice job.
    | Posted on 2004-11-03 00:00:00 | by TheHUGE | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the way you start each stanza with I remember. It sets a nice tone and ties the whole thing together. I can feel the need to hold to this love, but also sense the realization that it might be better off left alone. How many times haev we all been here?

    Nice work, as you've seemed to haev hit a nerve with many...what more can we ask for?
    | Posted on 2004-11-29 00:00:00 | by deadndreaming | [ Reply to This ]
      i thought the ryming in this poem wasnt very good in a number of places. just 1 or 2 too many syllables in some lines messing up the flow and some words just not sounding right. another thing i didnt like was the end of the third sanza.

    'Yet you seemed to think
    It would be gone by tomorrow.'

    seemed: past tense
    would: past tense
    tomorrow: future.

    i know its fits the rhyming but it sounded a little awkward to me. and the second sanza. the 'jokes long dead' bit was great but the 'me and my head' line let that sanza down. it was going great till then.

    but despite its problems i liked the thought behind this poem. the 'when, how, where, who' thing realy worked, even though like someone else mentioned the all important why was missing. its just some of the wording that needs work. a rewrite with the same basic idea of a full edit of this would be great. just a little work on your choice of words i think.
    | Posted on 2004-11-30 00:00:00 | by nameless_nobody | [ Reply to This ]
      very nice. golf clap! i dont understand the hole " will a count for nothing" bit but maybe you'll comment back and insight me. if you do like stories about the nothingness of things like this then maybe you'll like my poem"no story". thank you for the write. please keep it up.
    | Posted on 2004-10-29 00:00:00 | by butterfly wings | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked this alot. It all flowed perfect together. I would not change anything in it. This made me feel good to read it. keep it up.
    | Posted on 2004-10-29 00:00:00 | by FeelingAlive | [ Reply to This ]
      your poem is smoothed out, w/ a jazzy flow. Even tho you may not see it, u can feel it when you repeat it and tell it to yourself. This poem sounds like to my opinion you loved someone so much, even when you did sumthing wrong or they leave or you even think they are. Even if they cheating on you seems like it makes you wanna kill yourself. but no don't do dat SUICIDE is bad. But the point is I LIKE THE VIBE!
    | Posted on 2004-10-29 00:00:00 | by Fantasy_LilIvy | [ Reply to This ]
      I was attracted to the titlle of the poem "I remember" because my featured one is also called "I remember", and not only that but the opening in it is "I remember when we used to talk, I remember when we used to listen to each other", which is too close to your opening too! I was so happy when I found that because I felt that I'm not the only one out there saying "I remember"! Eventhough the style and the main idea is different in both of them, but I really liked the idea of your "I remember", anyway Good job and keep it up. And if you have the time read my "I remember" and tell me what do you think!
    | Posted on 2004-10-29 00:00:00 | by Yousef | [ Reply to This ]
      Simple ryhmes but Iliked the repitition an the elipses'. You paused reminising on the memory or thought b4 movng on. Ah love poems... Why do we love,often take a chance at love,risk it all and end up geting hut? hmm I'm sure we can all relate to:
    I remember who...
    Has caused all this,
    The ultimate pain
    And the ultimate bliss,
    But all of my longing
    And all that I do,
    Will all count for nothing
    Just because I love you.
    | Posted on 2004-10-29 00:00:00 | by Emmalee | [ Reply to This ]
      first off the title is so freakin awsome for this one!dude i got attrcated to reading this jsut by the title.lol. but this is a really good one! i like how u put i remember when..., or i remember who...those just kept this flowing really nicely!nice james!
    bren
    | Posted on 2004-10-29 00:00:00 | by Day DreaMeR | [ Reply to This ]
      The truth is, I can relate. At first, a relationship is so successful... so wonderful and unique. I gues things just fall apart and you really described this well in your poem. I especially like this part:
    I remember where...
    I first had to cry,
    Bleeding my feelings
    To all passers by,

    Nice imagery you goit going there. Good job on this one!
    margui
    | Posted on 2004-10-29 00:00:00 | by margui | [ Reply to This ]
      this is wonderful. it reminds me of someone i might have loved, and that will happen. you fall in love you get your heart broken, its all part of life. great write here.
    -steph
    | Posted on 2004-10-31 00:00:00 | by playcrackthesky | [ Reply to This ]


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