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    dots Submission Name: Leave Me Never...dots

    Author: Anju
    ASL Info:    25/f/India
    Elite Ratio:    3.06 - 24/27/15
    Words: 171
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 757
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1066

       I am looking for an overall assessment of my work,such as its standard,quality,and the amount of improvements needed and the ways to do so etc,and as much as you can comment.Since I am a newcommer,I would also like to get the norms of improving my style.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLeave Me Never...dots

    You stay in my breath
    Reside in my heartbeat
    And leaves me never
    To stay in my thoughts.
    Since you've come unto my life
    Like a rain that comes on a summer day,
    You have left the garden of my heart
    Blooming with flowers that never withers.
    Who are you Lady?Sweet and kind,
    Now touching my soul with your feather hand;
    I have today a new name held
    To my heart and soul,and life itself
    Which comes to my prayers,
    Comes to my dreams
    And leaves me never
    To stay in my thoughts.
    A terror now strikes my mind today
    Will The hand be lost
    With the passing time?
    The hand that rose me
    From gloom to glee.
    Treading the path of life till now,
    I've gained one thing consistently-
    Losing a thing I hold so dear
    To my heart and soul
    With a blow of storm!
    But, for you my Lady,I shall defy
    The strongest of storms
    To hold thy hand-
    That shall then leave never again.

    Submitted on 2004-10-31 08:02:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I would change line 3 and 4 to "leave me never;
    linger in my thoughts".Line 5 unto = in to.Line 8 withers = wither.Line 9 to "{Who are you lady, so sweet and kind?"In line 12 I would delete "and life itself".Line 13 I would change to "comes to me by prayer"Line 14 "comes to me from dreams".Line 20 rose = raised.Line 23
    gained = endured.Hope this helps.Still a good piece without these changes but these will clarify it's meaning and aid the flow.
    | Posted on 2004-11-04 00:00:00 | by DarkenedSoul | [ Reply to This ]
      Good effort, I liked the part saying
    "I've gained one thing consistently-
    Losing a thing I hold so dear", good job and keep it up.
    | Posted on 2004-10-31 00:00:00 | by Yousef | [ Reply to This ]

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