Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Leave Me Never...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Anju
    ASL Info:    25/f/India
    Elite Ratio:    3.06 - 24/27/15
    Words: 171
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 809
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1066



    Description:
       I am looking for an overall assessment of my work,such as its standard,quality,and the amount of improvements needed and the ways to do so etc,and as much as you can comment.Since I am a newcommer,I would also like to get the norms of improving my style.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLeave Me Never...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    You stay in my breath
    Reside in my heartbeat
    And leaves me never
    To stay in my thoughts.
    Since you've come unto my life
    Like a rain that comes on a summer day,
    You have left the garden of my heart
    Blooming with flowers that never withers.
    Who are you Lady?Sweet and kind,
    Now touching my soul with your feather hand;
    I have today a new name held
    To my heart and soul,and life itself
    Which comes to my prayers,
    Comes to my dreams
    And leaves me never
    To stay in my thoughts.
    A terror now strikes my mind today
    Will The hand be lost
    With the passing time?
    The hand that rose me
    From gloom to glee.
    Treading the path of life till now,
    I've gained one thing consistently-
    Losing a thing I hold so dear
    To my heart and soul
    With a blow of storm!
    But, for you my Lady,I shall defy
    The strongest of storms
    To hold thy hand-
    That shall then leave never again.




    Submitted on 2004-10-31 08:02:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I would change line 3 and 4 to "leave me never;
    linger in my thoughts".Line 5 unto = in to.Line 8 withers = wither.Line 9 to "{Who are you lady, so sweet and kind?"In line 12 I would delete "and life itself".Line 13 I would change to "comes to me by prayer"Line 14 "comes to me from dreams".Line 20 rose = raised.Line 23
    gained = endured.Hope this helps.Still a good piece without these changes but these will clarify it's meaning and aid the flow.
    | Posted on 2004-11-04 00:00:00 | by DarkenedSoul | [ Reply to This ]
      Good effort, I liked the part saying
    "I've gained one thing consistently-
    Losing a thing I hold so dear", good job and keep it up.
    | Posted on 2004-10-31 00:00:00 | by Yousef | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    30227

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    When Crows Tick on Windows written by metallichick786
    Stretto written by saartha
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Limbo written by HisNameIsNoMore
    By the bar written by expiring_touch
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    Lunch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    Sunt Mala Quae Libas written by MyPeriodical
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    Commencement written by Ramneet
    This written by Chelebel
    ME written by jjd
    The Last to Walk the Earth written by HisNameIsNoMore
    I'm here written by BloodtornAngel
    Blood to Plowshares written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    The Search written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Watch them Die written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The First Time written by Wolfwatching
    Can't let my demons go written by faideddarkness
    In My Head written by faideddarkness

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry