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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Enemydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: melancholymaid
    ASL Info:    24/female/Tennessee
    Elite Ratio:    3.64 - 112/136/34
    Words: 116
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 693
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 723



    Description:
       The first two lines of the first stanza and the third line of the second stanza are borrowed from Yeats.
    The rest are my own words.

    I would prefer if you are going to leave advice, or feedback, don't leave any if you are going to be an asshole.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Enemydots
    -------------------------------------------


    From pleasure of the bed,
    The girl arose with mournful red lips
    Her illusion was lost;
    He was made too real,
    Taken down from the cloud that she first saw him on

    His eyes turned on her
    Ignited, they went from liquid into fire
    They set all her blood astir
    He stared at her
    She wanted only to hide, so
    She managed herself into a chair
    and curled up

    Suddenly, she remembered before,
    How all she wanted was to leave

    "Lie down and die," a voice seemed to say to her from the abyss.


    [Why, our bodies are merely string to be knotted and unknotted, wearing until they break.]




    Submitted on 2004-11-01 09:34:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      facinating.. i can visualize this so well in my head.. and the emotion behind it seems true so it has definately grabbed my attention.. i haven't seen one this good in awhile.. i think i'll add it to my favs.. keep writing..
    Adam
    | Posted on 2004-11-17 00:00:00 | by Pyrosis | [ Reply to This ]
      Man, thins so hits me. I mean, I aint a girl, but man this is awsome. I feel the pain that she feels, although it is reverse. The girl is the one who is making me want to leave. It seems as though you channeled the pain in me. Wow, great stuff.
    | Posted on 2004-11-01 00:00:00 | by poeticvisionary | [ Reply to This ]
      are you portraying a love once had but pushed away. maybe it seems so, i dont know but thats what i see, i liked the expression..
    | Posted on 2004-11-01 00:00:00 | by fallenone | [ Reply to This ]
      The form of the poem was fine and the message compeling. The image conveys the dangers of allowing one's lust to override better judgment, in jumping into bed before knowing much about the bed partner, and the humiliation and shame accompanied with awkward partings.

    Well done.
    | Posted on 2004-11-01 00:00:00 | by The Gadfly | [ Reply to This ]
      i liked this a lot it was very interesting and the language you used was awesome, you paint a picture of what the girl is feeling here and that is very hard to do some times, good work and i hope that you keep writing
    | Posted on 2004-11-01 00:00:00 | by Lost My Love 4ever | [ Reply to This ]


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