[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Fractured Viewdots

    Author: Mithrandir
    ASL Info:    28/m/N.Y.
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 452/681/113
    Words: 157
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 724
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1098

       Ok so I wrote this in like 5 mintues while tettering on sleep. I know it needs work but I do like some of what I have here so please rip it to shreds and help me out, cause I really think I have something to build on with this piece.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsFractured Viewdots

    I lay upon the sand
    waves crashing down
    on my bare feet

    A sigh and a shiver
    remembering Im still alive
    though these hands are cold

    It's time to close
    these broken eyes
    their fractured views
    just add to the pain

    And Im face down in the sand
    waves crash down upon my back
    I strip off my clothes

    The harvest moon rises
    still air surrounds
    as the tide slowly comes in

    It's time to close
    these broken eyes
    The blind see more truth
    then this jaded man

    Im standing on the sand
    Naked before night sky
    letting the tide take me away

    No sharks out tonight
    The moons high in the east
    And Im just swimming

    But it's time to close
    these broken eyes
    their fractured view
    just add to the pain

    Arms grow tired
    and this dead man
    doesn't want to float...

    Submitted on 2004-11-02 00:24:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      apparently i can't type i was trying to say i don't think it would break the serene sadness of this write...not enough coffee...purp
    | Posted on 2004-11-03 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
      this write comes of to me as a white flag like i'm sick of my life being so hard and worthless...just let me be and be taken by the sea...its weird though this is a rather sad piece of a broken man seeming to give up...it comes off so peaceful...when i was done reading it i felt really relaxed or maybe i'm just weird maybe the thoughts of the ocean...i love the word use...fractured view...thats a great description...and the lines of a blind man seeing better than this jaded man...i'm not really thinking that its incomplete but if you added more i don't think it would not break the serene and sadness of this write...purps
    | Posted on 2004-11-03 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
      You will find her...amidst the moments of light.
    She'll be the one watching you...within your darkest night.
    You'll find her, as she waits for you...
    heartfelt fragments scream to be heard
    your calling will bound a love so true.

    I wish you happiness and joy John...
    You deserve it!
    Be well
    Take care
    | Posted on 2004-11-02 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a brilliant piece of writing. The imagery comes together very well to communicate an emotion to the reader without beating them over the head with it. This piece really allowed me to add my own thoughts and significances to your words, and i really love that in a poem. It reminded me of the times when i just wanted to float away on the tide. Thanx for your words.
    | Posted on 2004-11-02 00:00:00 | by Jimma | [ Reply to This ]
      i thought that it was a good piece. i liked the way that you wrote it. it felt different. i would add some more punctuation. i thought that the imagery was nice and it read pretty well. keep it up.
    | Posted on 2004-11-02 00:00:00 | by maquiladora | [ Reply to This ]
      'then this jaded man' - then should be than.

    And when you say 'the waves crashing down,' I think, on, or upon, would be appropriate than down. Just me?

    Overall, the seemingly hopelessness is sympathizing.
    | Posted on 2004-11-02 00:00:00 | by queer bear | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    The World written by jjd
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    Still Perfectly Flawed written by armand
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Records I written by Raphael
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    untitled written by ShyOne
    prison written by ShyOne
    Cover written by saartha
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Redemption written by poetotoe




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]