Description: What are you looking for in terms of feedback? Any background information behind the piece? Hints? Is this just to vent? Emotional state while writing?
of utmost importance.. -------------------------------------------
Petals unfurl
yet still do not reveal
something inside
that whirs, and feels
Like a blossoming tulip
billowy white
stretching out for a taste
of fragmented sunlight
Or a cow's eyes
that reach out and probe
disguising wisdom
unwanting, albeit
compassion
you bastards
along came a spider
no it was there first
spinning it's intricacies
the most important thing to it
yet how do I know
how your tiny mind works
it may not be too tiny
revealing its curse
I think we should heed it
embrace it's beauty
give to it a megaphone
and let natural beauty
sing from the stars
tendrils and leaves
curling out in fascination
strong white roots
though they look so fragile
will hold me down
when there's no understanding
each day is a new day
the vine climbing higher
I am taught and teach new words
so grows my desire
go hand in hand with nature
with it untold riches are bequeathed
and each time
is new
for the ones
who really feel.
I think the reason this seem choppy,is because it with people thinking it a personal message to someone or to yourself, then the ending separate the message to nature itself.
To me where this poem go alittle sideways start here:a cow's eyes that reach out and probe disguising wisdom unwanting, albeit compassion you [censored]s
I don't feel a rhyme theme through it.
I really like the subtle nuances in this poem a lot. This line is totally awesome:it may not be too tiny revealing its curse, bravo on that
This is very choppy good thing I'm wearing my life jacket and swimmies or I might have drown. I love the detail you put into this piece and the words that I know, but don't use. The play on little miss mufit was good as well. For some reason these lines feel separate to me; these thoughts lack a sense of unity. They make sense togther, but the rhythm is so strange it's kind of like a jazz beat. With a little more consitancy in the flow this will go further. peace
Its a little bit choppy, but I still see the point you were trying to get across...maybe you could try editing it a little bit...maybe work on the overall flow...otherwise...good stuff. Much love.
Submission Name: of utmost importance..
