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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I Could Turn His Eyesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: cuddledumplin
    ASL Info:    36/ f/UK
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 6269/5927/526
    Words: 49
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 787
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 288



    Description:
       This was inspired by nicelyJ's "Third Person." The lines "maybe he could/turn his thoughts/
    away from her" just inspired me for some reason. Here's a link to his poem: http://www.eliteskills.com/z/30443

    I think all girls have been through this. You friend's boyfriend checks you out or makes a pass at you. You tell her about it, but she says that he wouldn't want you. This is more against blind women than the wandering eyes of men.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI Could Turn His Eyesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Though you assume they are nailed to you,
    his eyes could turn my way
    as easily as rotating a globe.
    A lick of my lips,
    a billow of wind lifting my skirt,
    he'd be my pet if I wanted him,
    but you are willfully blind
    to his aimless eyes.




    Submitted on 2004-11-03 00:55:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I'm honored to have inspired such a piece as this. Is it that men are so easy to manipulate, or that women possess more power than they realize? Okay, men are easy. You had me at "he'd be my pet" nice write
    | Posted on 2004-11-05 00:00:00 | by nicelyJ | [ Reply to This ]
      I meant the tina turner story as I presume you realised. ...ps. why do we have to say too much in comments for them to be accepted?
    | Posted on 2004-11-05 00:00:00 | by buttsee | [ Reply to This ]
      I haven't read the piece before you changed it but anyway I really like the image of eyes being nailed to somebody. it fits perfectly.
    those guys are just [censored]s. hope you didn't write from experience.
    | Posted on 2004-11-05 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh how I hate boys like that. I love here, how you could sound so seductive "licking your lips", having him as your pet, but all you're trying to do is show your friend how he's an asshol. Ech. Hope you can help any friends like this.

    -emo.
    | Posted on 2004-11-04 00:00:00 | by emo-tastic | [ Reply to This ]
      He'd be be my pet

    -is the second "be" on purpose?

    it's disconcerting to think that the love of your life could look at someone else with interest, i think, because it's hard to trust that you're enough for him, to believe him when no one else is around and he says "i love you". in our society where not even a ring or a child can bind two people together indefinitely, it's not so ridiculous to want to nip in the bud any suspicion (such as a friend telling you your significant other made a pass at them) that might cause you to doubt the strength of your relationship. so when she says he wouldn't want you, it's not because your friend really feels that way, it's because she's very much afraid it could be true, that you can "turn his eyes". great write, amy, great subject matter - totally something i can relate to.

    ~Blue
    | Posted on 2004-11-04 00:00:00 | by blueorchids | [ Reply to This ]
      Ugh! These guys make me ill. One of my boyfriend's friends likes to be inappropriate and hit on me when he gets drunk. I ususally try and slink away from this dude...whenever he tries to corner me at parties. It always seems like the girlfriends and wives of these guys are so clueless...I wonder if they know their boyfriends are jerks and just act like they don't notice, since they think they can't do any better.

    I like the image of the eyes being "Nailed" to her...I have a piece called "The tell off" that has a comeback to guys like this. I wrote it about the subject I just spoke of.
    | Posted on 2004-11-04 00:00:00 | by marysunshine | [ Reply to This ]
      Yes, men are disgustingly easy and women in love with them groove ignorantly on their own vibrations.
    How could we ever trust them? Cool idea, so well defined, as always. "Eyes nailed", "be my pet", so telling of the fragile status of relationships.
    | Posted on 2004-11-04 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      Yes, men are disgustingly easy and women in love with them groove ignorantly on their own vibrations.
    How could we ever trust them? Cool idea, so well defined, as always. "Eyes nailed", "be my pet", so telling of the fragile status of relationships.
    | Posted on 2004-11-04 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      you sound like quite the siren in this poem! quite the flirt... ah yes, some women are blind when it comes to their men. and quite a few men have that roving eye, like it's part of their DNA or something... i've been seeing something like this happening at work with a guy who is engaged and yet is sleeping with one of the teachers as well as the director. his fiance hasn't a clue... it's rather sad, really.
    | Posted on 2004-11-03 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      I know this alllllll too well! Ugh, makes me sick to think that females are so jealous and mean to each other. It seems like we would rather take the word of a guy who you've known for two-months than that of a friend for two years. I've been in this situation, tried to tell her, she thought I was 'seeing' things. Yeah, seeing him see me that's what! Well needless to say they broke up, for what else but cheating. Ahh enough of my jabbering, Great job. :)
    -blt
    | Posted on 2004-11-03 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      this is a good piece. didn't read it prior to your editing it, but i like it. not too sure about 'aimless' in the last line-i know you don't want to use 'wandering', but i'm not sure aimless works. dunno a beter way to say it. my head hurts and i wanna go back to bad... :-O
    | Posted on 2004-11-03 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      Amy...
    you have done yourself PROUD. That is just SO much better, I really like the "assume" and "nailed", they're good, strong words, they hammer the point home :)
    And I see you did change the heart line and it really works so much better for me, this entire poem has taken an about-turn just from those revisions, I think. You really did well :)
    | Posted on 2004-11-03 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]
      Hm, I think that this is a great idea but not sure about some of the lines. I don't like "I could have his heart" because the way the preceding lines are written leaves me waiting for an explanation. I'll try to explain, but you know that I don't know the Englis jargon. Maybe there's a chapter in a textbook that I need to read, somewhere.
    "A lick of my lips,
    A billow of wind
    Lifting my skirt"...
    and the first line that keeps jumping into my head is "would..." I actually think of "would steal his eyes".
    Now, I dunno because after that line I've just suggested, re-reading the piece makes me think that if you were to use something along that format, you wouldn't need the first three lines. You're a minimalist, so I reckoned I'd mention that as you seem to like concentrated poet-juice :P
    I like the idea of eyes that spin like globes. I'd like to see that line manipulated a bit so that it referred to spinng FROM her, TO you. Know what I mean? It kinda implies his fickle -natural!- nature.

    So overall I don't really like the way you've written this, I'm afraid to say. The in-between words just seem to be too much filler and not enough... info? I don't know. All the "I"s make it read too much like a personal poem for me, I'm not really relating to it. I hope you're not disenchanted because I really do like your idea and the things you're alluding to, but feel that this poem's got a lot further to go before it's really doing its author justice.
    Lea
    | Posted on 2004-11-03 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok, so i'm gonna be honest. What you write here is pretty true. You prolly could turn the eyes of most guys by doing these things. I'm madly in love with a girl and have been for three years, and honestly, there are some women who could turn my eyes for a minute, but there are none who could turn my heart for a second. It's just a guy thing. Ya know, it doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you come home to eat.
    | Posted on 2004-11-03 00:00:00 | by Jimma | [ Reply to This ]
      You are writing about Eve in all her glory... the ultimate seductress. I think judging from the other comments... it's a bit too close to the truth for some of us As usual, very well written and cleverly portrayed.
    | Posted on 2004-11-03 00:00:00 | by Beulah | [ Reply to This ]
      yeah I really liked it better after you added the last few lines it really clarifies the situation and doesn't make you sound like you have a big head (hehe no offense) thats just how the first part came off, but this is definitly better
    | Posted on 2004-11-03 00:00:00 | by Broken Angel | [ Reply to This ]
      I think what I get from this is your saying how easy it would be to get "him" if you really wanted to by ways of sexual enticing/body language, I have always liked the style and short bluntness to your writing but it almost seems like maybe this one was thrown together on a whim? dunno, just an opinion.
    I wasn't to crazy about the message though
    | Posted on 2004-11-03 00:00:00 | by Broken Angel | [ Reply to This ]
      well i like to think men aren;t so easly suduced, at least i know i'm not...i don't think i like this...your saying by persenting your self as an object this person will fall in love with you or want to sleep with you either way he becomes yours...thats kinda f ucked in my opion but hay it was well written so good job on that end
    | Posted on 2004-11-03 00:00:00 | by milo stills | [ Reply to This ]
      Billow wind, billow. This is wonderful. My eyes are nailed. I can't help wanting this to be called Eye Turner as I recently saw the tina turner song and as we know, Ike took her for granted. Love, Pail. x
    | Posted on 2004-11-05 00:00:00 | by buttsee | [ Reply to This ]


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