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Sins


Author: curiosityskitty
ASL Info:    31/F/TN
Elite Ratio:    3.19 - 149 /149 /30
Words: 97
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 1223
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 618



Description:




Sins



As do the towering trees that bend
More with each passing storm
So does she begin to weaken
From the evil he's performed

The trees the only witness
To the story never told
The wind the only voice
For the secret that she holds

The woeful song that fills her ears
Gives credence to the thought
That pain gives way to freedom
From the man that she has fought

Sworn to protect and love her
From his vow he did depart
Now with her hands above her
Puts her anguish through his heart




Submitted on 2004-11-03 07:22:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  well written

love this bit:
"The wind the only voice
For the secret that she holds"

and
"towering trees" - great description

great poem
capured the reader from the start

interesting rhyme - 1st a b c b
("storm" "perform" + ed)
same with the second, third
then the last stanza a b a b
| Posted on 2004-11-03 00:00:00 | by bornx2000 | [ Reply to This ]
  great work nice imagery a liitle more would help with dark poetry but you as the author will discover that on your own well done great topic like your picture to
sandman
| Posted on 2004-11-03 00:00:00 | by sandman | [ Reply to This ]
  I don't feel that this is incomplete at all. It is perfectly clear without another word. Did you mean to use DEPART instead of IMPART? or is this just a mis reading on my part.
| Posted on 2004-11-03 00:00:00 | by greensnake | [ Reply to This ]
  tastefully and tactfully done, but a [censored] is still a [censored], "any male who abuses a woman/child does not deserve the title of man, for he is still a boy who has yet to deal with his adolescent inadequasies". I loved this, but it reminds me of the calm before the storm, most women take only so much before they do something, which usually ends in death, very good piece and the reference to nature is awesome, have a great day...Bob:)
| Posted on 2004-11-03 00:00:00 | by poetryman | [ Reply to This ]
  What a powerful three letter title. I like where you are going, but it seems incomplete. Not just an abrupt ending, but it seems lacking in the story throughout. I thought your rhythm and meter were pretty good, however the last stanza seems off. Here is how it would sound more balanced, although what is left out changes the soul of the strophe:

Sworn to protect and love her
From his vow he did impart
Now with her hands above her
She puts anguish through his heart

Doesn't that sound more balanced?
Anyway, it's good work, I hope you will persue and polish it,
Dave
| Posted on 2004-11-03 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
  This is my style of writting, smooth flowing, good lines of thought giving great visuals, and such a good poetic reading. It reads as it was written by the hand of a great poet/poetess from the past- But its author bears out the freshness as its lofty breezes speak.
WOW, a great job, really!
| Posted on 2004-11-03 00:00:00 | by Clayton | [ Reply to This ]
  It's a smooth piece you've got there written in an old fashioned (somehow...exquisite?) way. It's ironic how that kind of style can be 'fresh' sometimes, since not so many people use it.
| Posted on 2004-11-03 00:00:00 | by the apocrypha | [ Reply to This ]
  She's free.
Now with her hands poised above her
She puts her anguish through his heart

her anguish is the wepon of your imaginations choice.
It's said with out being said.
| Posted on 2004-11-03 00:00:00 | by curiosityskitty | [ Reply to This ]


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