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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Soul aflight, but nevermind.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Josh
    ASL Info:    17/nh
    Elite Ratio:    5.61 - 276/226/30
    Words: 235
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1220
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1423



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSoul aflight, but nevermind.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    And tonight is the night.
    When cigarette smoke will float effortlessly
    from the mouth that once had
    the world on its mind,
    and willing to it all spit it all out.
    The same in soul, as in hand.

    In a womans heart is a song,
    and this I strongly believe.
    My faith in such, is stronger than God.
    For such a blindness comes godliness,
    and for such an intstrument I will find hope.

    The colors tend to mix though,
    my tact is heeded only by my carelessness
    and when you least expect, your eyes can turn.
    Just for a delicate moment,
    you have lost control, and the portrait
    has lost its meaning.
    Call me a liar and
    Infect me with a happy contempfullness,
    I had a book as a kid, with a scene similar to that
    but i was to young to notice.

    Burn the image of it all,
    But can you actually recollect the time
    when you...
    Oh, nevermind.

    the landscape is ominous,
    and the mountains lay low.
    This is where i belong,
    Between the valley and the summit.
    I drink from the mist that lingers,
    in the valley i have grown to love.

    My vocal cords are tense, but no sound comes;
    only images of you and I.

    Kill me again, and dont stop
    untill i say when.




    Submitted on 2004-11-06 19:58:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      wow! not like us need ne more comments. i just thought i would say that i liked this very much. and i think that you need to keep writing. i loved it! simply loved it! keep up the good work. very nice!
    | Posted on 2005-01-28 00:00:00 | by PookiezBookie | [ Reply to This ]
      upon reading countless verses of john donne (courtesy of my english teacher) i am in awe of anyone who can effectively use paradox. sir, i stand in awe of you.

    you were able to voice some heavy emotions, and fulfill poetry's goal: to express objectively what is, in fact, subjective. for example, "For such a blindness comes godliness" is a brilliant line, a paradox of passion (both love and faith), if i interpret it correctly.

    the word "though" in "the colors tend to mix though" throws off the flow a bit, i think.

    "but i was to young to notice" reminded me of the times when i reflect upon places i've visited before and never quite noticed on the same level. which, of course, could be due to a growth spurt but i think it has more to do with a child's playful mentality versus the observation skills you acquire once you begin to write.

    i quite like the fourth stanza. you were able to break a thought without interrupting the flow of the piece.

    and lastly, since i'm sure you're exhausted of my rambling, my favorite lines "Kill me again, and dont stop /untill i say when."

    wonderful piece.
    keep writing, please.
    *amrita*
    | Posted on 2004-11-19 00:00:00 | by creativeentity | [ Reply to This ]
      Like gliding through a song. Like listening to your best friend when he's so drunk he can hardly stand but can still remember the purest love of his life. That simple yet complex feeling. I can so clearly hear this no faced person speaking out into the night... Maybe to some girl he just met who's just there to fill his time... Who doesn't understand that she's just passing through... That there's somebody else... Sad and beautiful... I only hope he felt better in the morning...
    | Posted on 2004-11-14 00:00:00 | by ParaGridD | [ Reply to This ]
      Let me jump on the bandwagon and try to analyze, then, bring my own bit of meaning into it:

    ‘And tonight is the night.
    When cigarette smoke will float effortlessly
    from the mouth that once had
    the world on its mind,
    and willing to it all spit it all out.
    The same in soul, as in hand. ‘
    Ok, so you’re saying that, quote quote “Bob” will spit out soething like ashes, and words, and be completely honest with his lover, and think thoughts that are totally true. Perhaps black thoughts? Depends on what is in Bob’s hand.

    ‘In a woman’s heart is a song,
    and this I strongly believe.
    My faith in such, is stronger than God.
    For such a blindness comes godliness,
    and for such an instrument I will find hope.’
    Women’s hearts hold a secret to be discovered, or at least so it seems to men. This may not be true, but since men can’t understand that, this secret takes on an almost holy aspect, and yet a very sensual one, from what we see later.

    ‘The colors tend to mix though,
    my tact is heeded only by my carelessness
    and when you least expect, your eyes can turn.
    Just for a delicate moment,
    you have lost control, and the portrait
    has lost its meaning.’
    Bear with me here… love is unpredictable? Or is it that even though most of the time that you know you are loving, sometimes it just slips away from you, love slips away, plays hide and seek with other emotions as you try to determine what you really feel. Love morphs.
    ‘Call me a liar and
    Infect me with a happy contempfullness,’
    Help me hide behind my veil of contempt?
    ‘I had a book as a kid, with a scene similar to that
    but I was too young to notice.’
    In “Bob’s” childhood he saw other people feeling that love was fleeing, to be replaced with another feeling, and yet “Bob” did not see the little signs of it, seeing as how it happened over time. Now, in himself, his memory drags up associations.

    ‘Burn the image of it all,
    But can you actually recollect the time
    when you...
    Oh, nevermind that.’
    This is conversational. Possibly the most human, anguished part of the whole thing, at least for me. Perfect to choose for the title.

    ‘Because the landscape is ominous, but the mountains somehow lay low.
    This is where I belong,
    and the valley dips low.
    I love the valley
    mist can be drowning.’
    I’m not going to try and analyze because it seems to call out to some deeply-hidden Tolkienist corner of my mind. I’d love to know what *you* meant, there.

    ‘My vocal cords are tense, but no sound comes;
    only images of you and I.
    Kill me again, and don’t stop
    until I say when.’
    “Bob” never wants this to stop, wants to go on loving, even if it kills him. Memories and a sense of at least part of a connection is better than nothing.

    This is what I gleaned from it, that and what the other comments/analyses read- I mostly agree with them, but not always.
    One word: try to reread and spell-check. Sometimes I got the feeling that the punctuation was a bit off as well, as in ‘Because the landscape is ominous, but the mountains somehow lay low.’
    Peace. -KAt
    | Posted on 2004-11-13 00:00:00 | by Raven E. | [ Reply to This ]
      well you know... if finding the shoutbox thingee and seeing you plea for decent comments which in turn directed me to this write then i am truely glad i found the shoutbox... this is awesome!
    you have a really random kinda style in this... kinda like a few different grooves all rolled into one... done effortlessly and seamlessly... i like it.
    i had a slight issue with

    For such a blindness comes godliness,

    im just not sure what your trying to say here thats all... can ya tell me at all...?

    I had a book as a kid, with a scene similar to that
    but i was to young to notice.

    i enjoyed these lines... the matter of factness of them... the way they let the reader into the past revealing a lil... regret for not noticing...? hmmm...

    i liked the 'oh never mind that...' the saving yourself from a whole nother tangent... i like that kinda thing... the reader can make up their own tangent that way and i guess it can make it more real to them
    and the ending... just say when... i never could get my tongue around that word... id be dead a million times over...

    this is a really good write... i really enjoyed it and i shall have to find more of your stuff! cheers!
    | Posted on 2004-11-11 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked the poem and it definately wasn't ordinary...the choice of words is wonderful, nothing seems corny or awkward...the only suggestion i have is that you take the line:
    'Because the landscape is ominous, but the mountains somehow lay low'
    and cut it in half so it reads:
    'Because the landscape is ominous
    but the mountains somehow lay low'
    or something like that because the way it is it's so long it throws off the flow...besides that you did a great job
    | Posted on 2004-11-07 00:00:00 | by morte | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm adoring this right now...i'd edit it a bit more just to add some finishing touched but other than that its golden...I love the line..

    "Call me a liar and
    Infect me with a happy contempfullness"

    That line is sticking in my head...great write my dear. Much love. <3
    | Posted on 2004-11-07 00:00:00 | by Juliets_dagger | [ Reply to This ]
      This was great. Every word you wrote I could see it all happening in my mind. Like it just came to life. Well I really have nothing I would change or anything bad to say about it. keep it up.
    | Posted on 2004-11-06 00:00:00 | by FeelingAlive | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this very much, but dude, ur waisting the potential on this! This could EASILY be turned into a song, that a famous band, someone like staind, could use. Just try to fix the words up to rhyme, first of all, but to also keep that almost unearthly feeling that came with it. A feeling like you're almost effortlessly drifting away. VERY well done.
    | Posted on 2004-11-06 00:00:00 | by hybridsongwrite | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this very much. I like the way your formed the words to fit perfectly. I love the line "My vocal cords are tense, but no sound comes
    only images of you and I. "keep it up
    | Posted on 2004-11-06 00:00:00 | by DeadVoodooDoll | [ Reply to This ]
      mondo coolo first person exquisito. dude u da bombshell in this field. a little abstract, not that thats bad. kinda added to the flavor of the show. you progressed from one idea to the other quite supremely. and you knew darn well what u were blabbing about. just that a little clarity would make it easier to approach. good work
    | Posted on 2005-01-09 00:00:00 | by serpentarius | [ Reply to This ]


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