Description: Ok so this is a poem written from a qoute of my friend talking about this girl I knew while I lived in The city of Burgos in Spain. It was a brisk november night in 2001 inside the bar El chupito , just near the cathedral in the gothic part of the city. The woman in question well her name was ALison and she had a smile that could cut right through you in the best way. My friend made the statement and I wrote a poem around the originial line, now this is not that poem this is a loose rewrite using the qoute form my friend. I kinda htink Im reaching to far with this piece. So bash it.
Of this World -------------------------------------------
"she is not of this world"
Words that shall echo
in this tired mind
until this body is broken
A simple smile
long raven hair
Her sultry whispers
and I am smitten
"She is not of this world"
Yet so like the moon,
dancing amongst the stars
Though I am just a man
and being such
Simple in my ways
fallible in thoughts
and finite in existance
but with one word from her
These arms would move mountains
this heart could part the red sea
I would have the strength
to do anything asked of me
"She is not of this world"
I will always hear that voice say
And I being just a man
shall mourn my own death
when her light is out of reach
I would not dare
ask for forever
just one dance
to mend this aching soul
but with one word from her These arms would move mountains this heart could part the red sea I would have the strength to do anything asked of me
I would not dare ask for forever just one dance to mend this aching soul
sheesh...no need for anything here in my mind.. but maybe by now I am bias on your voice... hmmm...yeah maybe...because in all honesty this is beautiful...not 'out of this world'...but 'in this world' and perfect as is... So...bash it I'll not...bash myself for not bashing?...maybe...haha Kelly
john,...hmmn...this defently isn't the best i've read from you...i think your wording could of been a little better put a little more imaginative..with the writing talent you posess i guess i'm just greedy and expect more from you...lol...i love the sweet purity of this write...but it lacks your creativity that i've read from you lately...that unique quality that if i read it with out your name on it i'd know it was yours...the description of this write makes me think you could write more...purp
i think that poetry in general hinders the way people write. its like what lichtenstein did to cartoonists, or what picasso did to portraits. once things are as they are, it is very difficult to see things any other way. but, and only in my opinion, there are thousands of ways of doing things. so i find it hard to accept, enjoy and take seriously a poem that is written in the style of an 'classical,' poem; classical both in terms of age and frequency. a piece like you have written i have seen a thousand times, or variations of. we can all produce new things, even with the influence of those before us. this is not to degrade your words, but to pick at where they came from. in 1546 words like this really may have had shining relevance, but i cant trace it in this case. as an overview this piece could be written more akin to it's situation, relevant to the surroundings today, which differ seriously from those four hundred years ago. i dont think you need to quote that quote many times, perhaps once at the most [in your first line]. it also seems little overdone and heart wrenching in comparison to your explanation, which seems to be more down to earth and realistic. i have said enough because there is no point in sifting through everything. i dont want to scratch the words you have written when i see not what they were born out of. take care on1eday.co.uk
now you know what the power of love is capable of doing to a man/woman. it's a well know fact... nah make that truth carried down from the ages. it happens to me every day, and yeah i'm married. shhh lol there's nothing wrong with this.
i dont really know wha tyou mean by your reaching or why you dont think its good i think its really nice parts are a lil cliché but i think that because i hate romance and think its dead ;-) "I would not dare ask for forever just one dance" the wording of that is a lil weird and im kinda confused about what exactly your saying and the im smitten part makes me giggle becuase its what my freinds and i would say in a joking way i like the dacing amoung the stars line and needless to say i wish this was about me <3
This is so romantic! And there isn't a reason for me to bash it. I love the format. This reminds me of a guy that just smiled at me and my heart melted. It was the sweetest, kindest, smile I've ever seen, I remember it so well. I really love all the things you said you could do, like move mountains and part the Red Sea. I think the imagery is very powerful in this. Her raven hair, that's great description. I really hate to be all gushy about a piece but this is very good. Excellent. :) -blt
I like the poem for what it is. A love poem. It is a little clichéd, but most love poems are. I really enjoy the finale "Just one dance to mend this aching soul" It is a very latin cornball pickup line in my mind, which kinda fits in with your description. Keep it up.