[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Of this Worlddots

    Author: Mithrandir
    ASL Info:    28/m/N.Y.
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 452/681/113
    Words: 154
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 703
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1050

       Ok so this is a poem written from a qoute of my friend talking about this girl I knew while I lived in The city of Burgos in Spain. It was a brisk november night in 2001 inside the bar El chupito , just near the cathedral in the gothic part of the city. The woman in question well her name was ALison and she had a smile that could cut right through you in the best way. My friend made the statement and I wrote a poem around the originial line, now this is not that poem this is a loose rewrite using the qoute form my friend. I kinda htink Im reaching to far with this piece. So bash it.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOf this Worlddots

    "she is not of this world"
    Words that shall echo
    in this tired mind
    until this body is broken

    A simple smile
    long raven hair
    Her sultry whispers
    and I am smitten

    "She is not of this world"
    Yet so like the moon,
    glowing beautiful
    dancing amongst the stars

    Though I am just a man
    and being such
    Simple in my ways
    fallible in thoughts
    and finite in existance

    but with one word from her
    These arms would move mountains
    this heart could part the red sea
    I would have the strength
    to do anything asked of me

    "She is not of this world"
    I will always hear that voice say
    And I being just a man
    shall mourn my own death
    when her light is out of reach

    I would not dare
    ask for forever
    just one dance
    to mend this aching soul

    Submitted on 2004-11-07 14:00:29     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      but with one word from her
    These arms would move mountains
    this heart could part the red sea
    I would have the strength
    to do anything asked of me


    I would not dare
    ask for forever
    just one dance
    to mend this aching soul

    sheesh...no need for anything here in my mind..
    but maybe by now I am bias on your voice...
    hmmm...yeah maybe...because in all honesty
    this is beautiful...not 'out of this world'...but
    'in this world' and perfect as is...
    So...bash it I'll not...bash myself for not bashing?...maybe...haha
    | Posted on 2004-11-09 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ]
      john,...hmmn...this defently isn't the best i've read from you...i think your wording could of been a little better put a little more imaginative..with the writing talent you posess i guess i'm just greedy and expect more from you...lol...i love the sweet purity of this write...but it lacks your creativity that i've read from you lately...that unique quality that if i read it with out your name on it i'd know it was yours...the description of this write makes me think you could write more...purp
    | Posted on 2004-11-07 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
      i think that poetry in general hinders the way people write.
    its like what lichtenstein did to cartoonists, or what picasso did to portraits. once things are as they are, it is very difficult to see things any other way.
    but, and only in my opinion, there are thousands of ways of doing things.
    so i find it hard to accept, enjoy and take seriously a poem that is written in the style of an 'classical,' poem; classical both in terms of age and frequency.
    a piece like you have written i have seen a thousand times, or variations of.
    we can all produce new things, even with the influence of those before us.
    this is not to degrade your words, but to pick at where they came from.
    in 1546 words like this really may have had shining relevance, but i cant trace it in this case.
    as an overview this piece could be written more akin to it's situation, relevant to the surroundings today, which differ seriously from those four hundred years ago.
    i dont think you need to quote that quote many times, perhaps once at the most [in your first line]. it also seems little overdone and heart wrenching in comparison to your explanation, which seems to be more down to earth and realistic.
    i have said enough because there is no point in sifting through everything. i dont want to scratch the words you have written when i see not what they were born out of.
    take care
    | Posted on 2004-11-07 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a great poem personally i really like the ending i think it brings the meaning of the piece together i like it alot
    | Posted on 2004-11-07 00:00:00 | by blacktearz | [ Reply to This ]
      now you know what the power of love is capable of doing to a man/woman. it's a well know fact... nah make that truth carried down from the ages. it happens to me every day, and yeah i'm married. shhh lol
    there's nothing wrong with this.
    | Posted on 2004-11-07 00:00:00 | by hotrodruss | [ Reply to This ]
      i dont really know wha tyou mean by your reaching or why you dont think its good
    i think its really nice
    parts are a lil cliché
    but i think that because i hate romance and think its dead ;-)
    "I would not dare
    ask for forever
    just one dance"
    the wording of that is a lil weird and im kinda confused about what exactly your saying
    and the im smitten part makes me giggle becuase its what my freinds and i would say in a joking way
    i like the dacing amoung the stars line
    and needless to say i wish this was about me <3
    | Posted on 2004-11-07 00:00:00 | by scorpio sphinx | [ Reply to This ]
      This is so romantic! And there isn't a reason for me to bash it. I love the format. This reminds me of a guy that just smiled at me and my heart melted. It was the sweetest, kindest, smile I've ever seen, I remember it so well. I really love all the things you said you could do, like move mountains and part the Red Sea. I think the imagery is very powerful in this. Her raven hair, that's great description. I really hate to be all gushy about a piece but this is very good. Excellent. :)
    | Posted on 2004-11-07 00:00:00 | by borderlinetears | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the poem for what it is. A love poem. It is a little clichéd, but most love poems are. I really enjoy the finale "Just one dance to mend this aching soul" It is a very latin cornball pickup line in my mind, which kinda fits in with your description. Keep it up.
    | Posted on 2004-11-07 00:00:00 | by solararia | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    The Promise written by annie0888
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    To written by SavedDragon
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    Linger written by saartha
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    untitled written by Chelebel
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]