Help by Akai

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Submission Name: Help dots

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Author:	Akai_Ame
Elite Ratio:	4.79 - 223/180/46
Words:	165

Class/Type:	Poetry/Broken
Total Views:	307
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	944

Description:
ok no real rule to this. i move things around alot, but i think it makes for a wonderful poem when there are no rules and only emotion fulled words. tell me if you think the same thing.

Help

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I WILL NOT cry.
For i would rather die,
The show the world my softer side.

I WILL NOT laugh.
For it will let them know,
That i still have some fight, this i can't show.

I change what i am,
not that people give a damn,
That i hide the real me, just so they are happy.

This is my life.
I'm all a lone in a world of hate.
With people trying to change my fate.

Making me into what they want me to be.
Never letting me be cared for.
Or see any love that may be meant for me.

I'm at a loss, as to what to do.
All i have left is God,
And you.

And seeing as God is busy,
Making my life hell,
Keeping me in a never ending cell.

I ask you, no, beg you.
Save me from the pain i know.
For anywhere you are, i will gladly go.

Submitted on 2004-11-07 18:37:51 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  Very nice work! I was blown away by this, especially how much I can honestly relate to it. You managed to touch on somethings a lot of people feel and this is definetly something you could get published in a publication. You should see if this is something Voice magazine would print.
| Posted on 2005-12-15 00:00:00 | by RumnMoxie | [ Reply to This ]
  i can relate to that. i hate saying this because i hate hearing it but the rhyming seemed forced. but dont let that bother you, because its still a good poem, over all i like the expression.
| Posted on 2005-12-02 00:00:00 | by siroez | [ Reply to This ]
  I really liked this
It flowed together well and you got your message across
I find it a little confusing thou as you say you have Only God and another and then
say God is Busy
Trust me God is never busy
Im sure if you look into your life you will see many instances when God has answered your Prayers
A good Write!
Take Care
and
God Bless
Ron

And Thank You for the recent comments
I am very happy and glad you find my work enjoyable
I will be looking for more of your writes
Take Care
Ron
| Posted on 2005-12-02 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi Akai:

Your thoughts are clearly expressed and set out on pen and paper. In noticing your double vision of you, I could see how you capitalized the 'I' when another was looking at you and, also, when you made it a small 'i' while speaking of yourself.

This manipulation of grammar fits perfectly into the mood you are conveying through your title, which gives it setting and mood. Creativity is an excellent tool to posses.

Overall assessment:

I will be nitpicking constructively on certain portions of your work, which at this point needn't changing in setting or mood. I only wanted to point out that grammar and punctuation are vital in poetry or writing.

However, you have minor errors and most are typos that slip through the crack...I know mine do. LOL.

Okay, I will place brackets on the portions I have corrected, but it is solely up to you to want to make corrections:

Help
-

I WILL NOT cry.
For i would rather die,
[Than] show the world my softer side.

(As oppose to [the]...)

I WILL NOT laugh.
For it will let them [know] That i still have some fight, this i can't show.

([know] flows better w/o the comma)

I change what i am,
not that people give a [damn]
That i hide the real me, just so they are happy.

([damn] flows better w/o the comma)

This is my life.
I'm all [alone] in a world of hate.
With people trying to change my fate.

([alone] no spaces, unless it is intentional)

Making me into what they want me to be.
Never letting me be cared [for]
Or see any love that may be meant for me.

([for] flows better w/o the period)

I'm at a loss, as to what to do.
All i have left is God,
And you.

And seeing as God is busy,
Making my life hell,
Keeping me in a never ending cell.

I ask you, no, beg you.
Save me from the pain i know.
For anywhere you are, i will gladly go.

Not too many, it was minor...I hope this critique is helpful. Thanks for allowing me to review your work. Love Saby~*~

| Posted on 2005-11-15 00:00:00 | by CaramelCandy | [ Reply to This ]
  this was an alright piece. you got the message across easily, and i can deffinantly relate...it seems like that's how i felt only a few weeks ago. but anyways...i think the rhyme scheme sounded a little forced, but that's ok. it didn't take away from the message too much which is good. keep writing. :)
| Posted on 2004-11-22 00:00:00 | by cre_dia | [ Reply to This ]
  yes, lots of mixed emotions. for me, being a texan girl, its something i would tuff up to also. although the stanza's, individualistically, are very cliché, but put together makes it very creative - a little piece of different pressures, that people usually write poems just on that, and creating one whole poem. nice.

~jess
| Posted on 2004-11-07 00:00:00 | by nameless child | [ Reply to This ]
  This was rather sad. And the rhyming is inconsistent. Like first it's all three lines rhyming then just the last two, then the first and the last... it's nervewracking.

I like the last stanza best.
| Posted on 2004-11-07 00:00:00 | by Jester_Gesture | [ Reply to This ]
  i like this poem. i like what you have done with the tension of pressures. i think it is important for you to stress the pressures that are trying to make you cave and that will make your point at the end stronger.
| Posted on 2004-11-07 00:00:00 | by thetruegoldend | [ Reply to This ]

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