Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

tanka


Author: brokenmirror
ASL Info:    150/f/duiuwy89
Elite Ratio:    3.11 - 46 /71 /29
Words: 83
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 893
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 553



Description:


here are a few tankas (a form of japanese poetry-similar to the haiku) that i had to write for school...we had to incorporate nature meets emotion...i like them all, but i dont know which one i should pick to pass in...need help please...any suggestions/thoughts/any kind of feedback would be great


tanka



1. As time slowly rust,
I begin to realize
there is nothing left-
like all the barren branches
on this cold winter's eve.

2. The sun begins to set;
your lullaby is all i have
along with this torn blanket.
so now i shall lay my head down
and try to keep myself warm.

3. The dirt ground:
the leaf's last destination.
Cold wind rushes against my face,
my heart skipping a beat;
thinking of you, just thinking






Submitted on 2004-11-07 20:26:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  I love this form! A little longer than haiku, but still short and sweet. ;)
You've done a good job with it, too; I only have a couple of suggestions.
On the first piece, could you have meant 'rusts' instead of 'rust' in the first line? It seems to fit better.
And if you have to choose only one to turn in to your teacher for a grade, I'd choose the third; it seems to have the best images, imho.
Good luck with your class! :D
| Posted on 2004-11-07 00:00:00 | by latentlylyrical | [ Reply to This ]
  Not familiar with this style so I don't really know what to look for for comparison, although the third one seems to have the best flow and images, if that is what they are looking for. They're all very good. Reading them over gave me thought for pause, but I still go with #3. Good luck.
| Posted on 2004-11-07 00:00:00 | by arkay | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



31414