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Slumber-revised


Author: curiosityskitty
ASL Info:    31/F/TN
Elite Ratio:    3.19 - 149 /149 /30
Words: 139
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1105
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 921



Description:


I'm slowly trying to lengthen this. I've added two new stanzas. read the original too and see if these add something to it, or take away.



Slumber-revised



Pray the Lord your soul to keep
And bless the one's you love
Pray as you lay down to sleep
To heaven up above

Rest your tired eyes my son
And slowly drift away
Vivid dreams have just begun
To take your thoughts astray

Dream of lands both far and wide
Or what you wish to be
Dream not of tears which you have cried
Just set your worries free

Adventure waits for you my dear
Beyond your waking sight
Escapades and crowds that cheer
All to your heart’s delight

Sleep my love in pleasant dreams
With unencumbered trust
Sleep in silver moonlight beams
While bathed in slumbers dust

Let the starlight guide your way
To a world of make believe
Where innocence can laugh and play
And nothing will deceive





Submitted on 2004-11-08 09:30:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Personally I like it just the way it is. Seems to me it has very good rhythm and flows very well, easy to read and a down right enjoyable piece.
I would say job well done and let it be if it were mine.
Great job!
!Doc~
| Posted on 2005-02-21 00:00:00 | by dr_tigger | [ Reply to This ]
  A beautiful work, nicely presented. A good flow and rhyming is perfect. The only thing disturbing to me is that it"seems" so clichéd, possibly because I remember saying so similar words so many times in the past, not in the same way that you've said them, but with the same meaning.
| Posted on 2004-11-08 00:00:00 | by arkay | [ Reply to This ]
  What an excellent piece. It sounds like something I would want to sing to a child as they lay down for sleep. A sweet lullaby as Up N Aroused said.

Your flow and rhyme scheme was excellent in this piece, the only ONE line I thoguht could use a little work was the very last line. Mind you, its a good line, but you need something just a tad more bold to go out with because this piece is so great and deserves it:O)

--Kayla
| Posted on 2004-12-06 00:00:00 | by Superman | [ Reply to This ]


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