Personally I like it just the way it is. Seems to me it has very good rhythm and flows very well, easy to read and a down right enjoyable piece. I would say job well done and let it be if it were mine. Great job! !Doc~
A beautiful work, nicely presented. A good flow and rhyming is perfect. The only thing disturbing to me is that it"seems" so clichéd, possibly because I remember saying so similar words so many times in the past, not in the same way that you've said them, but with the same meaning.
What an excellent piece. It sounds like something I would want to sing to a child as they lay down for sleep. A sweet lullaby as Up N Aroused said.
Your flow and rhyme scheme was excellent in this piece, the only ONE line I thoguht could use a little work was the very last line. Mind you, its a good line, but you need something just a tad more bold to go out with because this piece is so great and deserves it:O)
Submission Name: Slumber-revised
