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    dots Submission Name: Death Through Blues Eyesdots

    Author: Aken Sol
    Elite Ratio:    3.93 - 197/204/67
    Words: 213
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 892
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1238

       I don't know what to titleit, can you help? Opinions of the piece would also be much appreciated

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDeath Through Blues Eyesdots

    Your neptunic eyes peer into me
    As they undress my soul.
    One must be blind not to see
    The darkness in them that seem to glow.

    As you slither towards my direction
    I try but canít budge.
    Paralysis spreads like an infection
    Your insane smile holds no grudge.

    You take out something and slit your wrist
    Just to show me what your blade could do
    Blood dripped from itís tip, my eyes wet as mist
    When my cheek felt the cold steel and wet goo.

    Laughing, you drew your knife away
    I shudder, was the blood yours or mine?
    As you licked it as if to say
    ďI think youíll be quite nice to dine.Ē

    I try to close my eyes
    Yet even they seem to be stuck.
    And my mind began asking all the whys
    Starting with how I got into this muck

    I felt the cold metal in my gut
    As you drag it up and piece my back
    I collapse and try to get up but,
    Air and power is what I lack.

    As my request for light was denied,
    The room turned black and I couldnít see
    And as I took my last breath and died,
    Your neptunic eyes peer into me.

    Submitted on 2004-11-10 01:36:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Well, where do I start? The idea of the poem - I really liked it, I thought it was really interesting... really creative of you to think of it. Overall, the choice of words and rhyme are quite good, I might say. However, the rhymes might seem a bit forced because, as shouted silence said, phrases like "wet goo" and "muck"?? They seem to casual for a poem like this, unless you meant the poem to be comical in some sort of way. And also, perhaps this "forced rhyme" has caused the rhythm of the poem to be disrupted. I thought the third stanza:

    You take out something and slit your wrist
    Just to show me what your blade could do
    Blood dripped from itís tip, my eyes wet as mist
    When my cheek felt the cold steel and wet goo.

    I thought it sounded a bit awkward (the rhythM) especially the last two lines. But as a whole, this poem was an interesting read! Great idea that you came up with. :)
    | Posted on 2004-11-10 00:00:00 | by zhi wei | [ Reply to This ]

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