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I’ll Love You


Author: Yousef
ASL Info:    26/M/Egypt
Elite Ratio:    8 - 468 /203 /22
Words: 128
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
Total Views: 1562
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 617



Description:


This is the first time I use this style of writing, I need to know what do you all think about it!!


I’ll Love You



I’ll love you

Till the sun stops rising again
Till the deserts stop needing the rain

I’ll love you,

Till the ocean stops touching the sand
Till the people have nothing left to demand

I’ll love you,

Till the day the birds leave the sky
Till the people have no tears left to cry

I’ll love you,

Till the day my life is through

I love you
And nothing will ever change my love for you


Yousef Hani




Submitted on 2004-11-11 06:32:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Unfortunately, this is another declarative, cliché poem with very little of the new or unexpected or even much that is distinct or fresh and that makes me a little sad to have to say, but then I perfer honesty in my comments and rarely stray from it.

The sentiment is of course good, very sweet, and I've no doubt you mean these words, which if spoken to the object of your affections are probably some of the nicest things you can say to such a one, however, as a poem, it's flatter than a Hallmark Card.
| Posted on 2005-07-25 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
  hmm. another sappy love poem to me. hehe. but lets see.

Till the people have nothing left to demand..

shows you really are dedicated to your love and such. liked that.

this might be hard to understand but it didnt seem original but yet again it did. i dont know. maybe its the way you arrnaged the words or thoughts. not sure but i liked it better from the first one. and ALOT of emotion to it. happy and loving feelings.

-soomie
| Posted on 2005-03-27 00:00:00 | by poeticblindness | [ Reply to This ]
  About true and eternal love. Very nice, I enjoyed reading it. Although this writing is rather short and simple, you've put so much emotion in it...it's amazing. But I guess everytime you write about love, you just cannot do that without feelings overwhelming you, so whatever you write about love, it's always turns out to be soemthing...heartfelt. WEll Done!
| Posted on 2005-01-28 00:00:00 | by Dana | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi this one is a very sweet poem. The rhyming was a bit obvious but I enjoyed reading it.
Now the most important aspect it will touch every women’s heart.
Well done with love shabnam
| Posted on 2005-01-18 00:00:00 | by shabnam | [ Reply to This ]
  I loved it. It showed me so much emotion and I could feel just the eternal love that was radiating from this piece. I wanna add it to my favs. Hey can I give this one to him instead? Kidding I would never give someone elses work to a person I don't think that it would be right to do so. Well anyways I thought that this was absolutely great. Oh and if you are interested in my little complication than please PM me I would be glad to tell you all about it. I need to talk to peeps about stuff anyways instead of keeping it all bottled up inside.

Angel
| Posted on 2005-02-21 00:00:00 | by ForsakenAngel | [ Reply to This ]
  What an excellent piece. Such love is a wonderful thing:O)

The only thing that I really think this piece did not need was the rhyming. It wasnt that it seemed forced to say, just out of place. Immediately this format made me think free-flow, and honestly I didnt even see the first rhyme in the first stanza.

Imagine this without a rhyme:

"I’ll love you

Till the sun stops rising,
Till the deserts stop needing the rain

I love you,"

Just a simple one word change.

Punctuation. You punctuate three times in this piece. I realize the piece is pretty simple to read but punctuation is a big turn on for me...

Either way its your piece, and I think it is still beautiful as it stands. Great job Yousef.

--Kayla
| Posted on 2004-12-21 00:00:00 | by Superman | [ Reply to This ]
  i love this piece because i can relate to it so strongly because there is always someone that no matter what happens you will never stop loving them.
| Posted on 2004-12-21 00:00:00 | by janedaq222 | [ Reply to This ]
  Its an amazing poem! i really liked it and i just can't explain how i liked it! I can't realy think of anything to fix but wish i could write things like that!
| Posted on 2004-11-23 00:00:00 | by grinninggashes | [ Reply to This ]
  That is amazing my dear fellow, and you will know me that I'm not praising any poem I read. Well-written poem, do not know what to say else about your lovely poem but all I can do that I'll add it to my favourites.
Yours,
Khaled.
| Posted on 2004-11-18 00:00:00 | by Khaled AbdAllah | [ Reply to This ]
  it's very direct and to the point. It sounds like you're in one of those moments when all you can think about is the person that you are writing about and that is all that matters. I think that ifyou would take a few hours to organize your thoughts something profound would come of it, not saying that this isn't, it's just something like the early beatles would have wrote. obviously, there is nothing wrong wiht the beatles beacuse they flipping rock. lol... I seem to have dug myself into a hole here and I am not very good at climbing out of them so I should pretty much stop now. All in all the moral of the story is: Beatles are cool. heh.
| Posted on 2004-11-12 00:00:00 | by falloutgirl | [ Reply to This ]
  I was looking at someone else's poem when I saw a very long comment from you and then your alias caught my attention. I got to your page and my suspicions were confirmed, you are from Egypt, at least your page says you are (so am I just don't live there.) Either way I thought I'd check out your work. I would sum this piece up by saying that it has potential. This poem doesn't just describe your love, it promises it as well, so you need to make it fiercer. It needs to pour out emotions instead of just stating them. Experiment with different images and then make your reader see them. "Till the sun stops rising again" is fine but the passion you want to convey doesn't fully come across. I like the structure. The repitition of the phrase "I'll love you" is a good way to add emphasis and intensity but it's not padded with language that will elevate it and fully take advantage of the structure you're using. You're almost there. Keep writing and good luck!
| Posted on 2005-01-05 00:00:00 | by Memphis | [ Reply to This ]
  Jeez, here I am telling someone how sick I am of love. Then you write something awesome like that. Wish I was on the receiving end. LOL! No j/k. I'm doomed to remain alone for eternity. But awesome poem and truly heartfelt. Definitly speaks of an undying love.
| Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by BCute | [ Reply to This ]
  Well, this not exceptionaly great but it's kinda good, it's short, simple, and sends the right message. Nice work, although I don't like the new style much.
| Posted on 2004-11-12 00:00:00 | by Beast | [ Reply to This ]
  I agree with Dan. This is just "adequate." It reminds me of an old pop song. I don't recall who did it, Journey maybe. I think it was called "I'll Still Be Loving You."
| Posted on 2004-11-11 00:00:00 | by cuddledumplin | [ Reply to This ]
  please ignore any attemps to try to fix this. its perfect. i love this its adorable. it is unusal for you to write like this but i think that you shoul do it more often. great job. J
| Posted on 2004-11-11 00:00:00 | by butterfly wings | [ Reply to This ]
  2nd line-stop-add a *s*
5th line-stop-add a *s*

other than that i really liked it. shows true feelings-short and sweet. good rhymes. good write.

-sweet
| Posted on 2004-11-11 00:00:00 | by sweet-fire | [ Reply to This ]
  i thought that it was good. the imagery in it was nice. i think some more punctuation might help the transfer between the lines.

"i'll love you,

till the sun stops rising again.
till the deserts stop needing rain...

...i'll love you,"

kinda like that. but that's just my opinion. overall it was good and very heartfelt. i liked it. keep it up.
| Posted on 2004-11-11 00:00:00 | by maquiladora | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi I enjoyed reading your poem.
It is well wirtten and has a flow. It is a very simple love poem and thats what I like about it.
It is straight.
The last line is the best.
Keep it up
with love shabnam
| Posted on 2004-11-11 00:00:00 | by shabnam | [ Reply to This ]
  Some of the imagery you employ here is, in general, a little bit overused. The sentiment itself though, is a lovely one, very clearly expressed. In this line: 'Till the ocean stop touching the sand', I think you're missing an 's' on the end of 'stop'. On the whole, an enjoyable read. Thanx for your words.
-Jimma-
| Posted on 2004-11-11 00:00:00 | by Jimma | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked it. It was very simple- down to the point. Sometimes those are the best poems. I liked your metaphors for the feeling you feel..f
"Till the desert stops needing the rain.."
and
"Till the ocean stops touching the sand
Till the peole have nothing left to demand"
Those were some of my favorite lines.
Keep writing...I'll more then likely come back...
~Samantha
PS...If I could travel anywhere, it would be to Egypt...e-mail me and tell me about living over htere if you feel like it...thx...rosyposy830@hotmail.com
| Posted on 2004-12-02 00:00:00 | by His Lost Angel | [ Reply to This ]


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