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    dots Submission Name: That's in my backyarddots

    Author: Soulraven
    ASL Info:    31/Male/Illinois
    Elite Ratio:    4.05 - 510/481/142
    Words: 85
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 828
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 656

       I fixed that suggestion

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    dotsThat's in my backyarddots

    There's a broken star
    Buried in the backyard.
    It lost its shine
    So, I threw it aside.
    Then the dawn came
    And never relinquished hold.
    The sun's been up
    For days.
    Night's curtain is broken
    I think it's because of the star,
    That's in my backyard.

    People walk around
    They miss the
    Water bowl sky,
    Dark imbued specks,
    As in their soul they cry,
    "Dig up the star
    That's in your backyard."
    I mournfully tell,
    "I can not."
    For it has died.

    Submitted on 2004-11-11 20:36:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      this poem is very eccentric...
    And I think it might have went a little over my head...
    the metaphors are breath taking to say the least,
    "Water bowl sky,
    Dark imbued specks,
    As in their soul they cry"
    but what does the star stand for?
    does it stand for a part of you?
    let me know, when you get the chance.
    | Posted on 2006-03-21 00:00:00 | by Swanne | [ Reply to This ]
      Than/Then... Chris, I do like the way you're using metaphor, but be sure that the message is not lost in the symbolism. Does dawn itself have a specific meaning here or is it just that it's taken away the shine from the star? Dawn usually holds hope so to use it as the opressor will throw some readers off.
    | Posted on 2004-11-11 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a unique and interesting work but do to my simple mind I'm not sure what your trying to say. As just a fun piece it works for me. Taking away the night and not being able to bring it back.
    | Posted on 2004-11-11 00:00:00 | by dmm | [ Reply to This ]

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