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to close to fire.(revised)


Author: Lachesis
ASL Info:    16,f,wi
Elite Ratio:    6.94 - 281 /69 /6
Words: 176
Class/Type: Poetry /
Total Views: 1253
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1132



Description:


this is just a thing I wrote sper of the moment. its about a witch, and she gets burned at the stake and she is happy becasue they dont know if she was or not they just acted and she had a weird good feeling of it.


to close to fire.(revised)



As the 'witch' stood on the post not yet feeling the fire.
She can hear the urging people.
Laughing,
Pointing,
screaming.
Then the fire hits ready logs.
Feeling the fire scorch up, it catches the wood.
The smell of burning clothes spreads through the air,
but just seconds befor flesh.
She feels a loud scream surg painfully up a scared throat.
Befor she knew or could not feel anything else,
she was up above her self.
Floating,
watching her body burn.
The so sure crowd enjoying the sight.
They did not know they were wrong.
They, so quick to blame.
Hidding there own shame.
Up in arms so quick, they knock them selves out.
Why so self assured?
They have no where else to run.
So they dump it on her.
She so quick to give up the fight.
So fragile,
yet so strong,
life for her will not go on.
She has gave up to thier ignorence,
yet they will never know they were right.
Thats all she needed to get though this fight.




Submitted on 2004-11-11 22:29:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Hi Lachesis...
I'm going to comment on this, hopefully it will be able to help you clean it up. Because I like that you took it upon yourself to think outside the box, to a different place and time, you've used your imagination and, well...
*applause*
That's one of the best things anyone can do. There will always be someone who can't spell, but errors can be fixed. If the poem doesn't have a good idea behind it, no amount of correct spelling will make it good.


"As she stand on the post not yet fealing the fire."
*I would remove the "as". "Stand" needs an "s" on the end. You have misspelled "feel". There's NO period at the end of this line. leave it open.

"She can here the people."
"Hear". Try a comma at the end instead of a period. Periods at the end of each line make something sound like a list.

"Laughing.
Pointing.
screaming.
Why not try a comma instead of the periods, except for the last line, give that a period as it would show that this particular section is finished, letting your reader move into the next part.

"Then it hits her."
*sighs* one of the biggest no-nos ever is to describe something as "it" or "that". How am *I* supposed to know what "it" is, you wrote the poem, not me. So... what hit her? When I say "then it hit me!" I usually mean a thought or realisation.

"She feals the fire scorch up as it catches the wood."
"Feels". I don't think you need the "up", just "scorch" is good... I love that word, it sounds so hot and painful... "scorch"... sounds good as well :)

"The smell of burning flesh spreads through the air first."
I like this line but think that maybe you might consider re-phrasing it a bit? I took away "the smell of" and left it to begin with "burning flesh"...
I don't know about the "first". A) The first thing that would be smelled would be burning hair, and then fabric... human flesh is like any other, it needs a few minutes to warm up and start cooking before it would begin to roast.

"Hers"
Now I think a period would be good at the end of this line.

"She feals a loud scream come up her throat."
"Feels". "come up her throat" is a bit boring... can you find a better way to say this? Does it gurgle, bubble or blast its way out of her mouth?

"Befor she knew it."
There was no need whatsoever to add a period at the end of this line. You misspelled "before". Have you noticed what a huge amount of "she's" there are in this? LOADS of them. I'm sick of the word "she". It's also a really bland line with little in the way of thought.

"She was up above her self."
This line sounds boring too. "Herself" is one word.

"Floating."
Why not get clever here and repeat the earlier three actions that you used to portray the noises of the crowd? You could use "floating, drifting, soaring..." or something. There are a lot of different words for weightlessness.
But the woman is DYING, she's having an OBE... this isn't something I see everyday, please... make it interesting and exciting. Make me want to read on to see what happens next!

"Watching her body burn."
If I died, and left my body, and was floating above it, do you think I'd just watch? is that all? Why is there no fear, no terror or confusion? Why not even peace or serenity? why just "watching"?

"The so sure crowd enjoying the sight."
"The so sure crowd" this is really, really bad. It's just got no thought in its structure, you don't seem to care much about writing a nice poem as much as writing a poem. Find something, ANYTHING, to describe your crowd.
Try www.thesaurus.com

"They did not know they were wrong.
They so quick to blame.
Hidding there own shame."
This is more boring lists. Get your fingers off the period key! You mispelled "their".

"Up in arms so quick, the knock them self out."
Now this is better, but you mispelled "they" and "themselves".
"Why so self assured?"
You haven't given me anything to imagine this rowd as self-assured, that's why you need a better word earlier on instead of "the so sure crowd"... it's not explaining who these people are and what you want to say.

"They have no where else to run."
Why would they be running? From what? Don't tell me, show me. Write the whole story, not just a timeframe.

"So they dump it on her.
She so quick to give up the fight."
Also, start learning about punctuation. And what do they dump on her? What is this thing that they dump on her?

You have spent half of this poem talking about the witch. then you just *flip* over to the crowd.
One or the other until you're good enough to do both at once.

"So fragile."
How fragile?

"Yet so strong.
Life for her will not go on."
Don't state the obvious. One minute she's fragile, the next she's strong. You give no reason why you think she's this way. WHy?

"She was gave up to there ignorence,"
"given", "their" "ignorance".

"Yet the ywill never know they wer right.
"They", "were".

"Thats all she needed to get though this fight."
What was all she needed? what fight? Why rhyme that?

You have a LOT of work to do before you tell ANYONE to shut up.
Start learning, that's why you're here.
Learah
| Posted on 2005-02-09 00:00:00 | by Learah | [ Reply to This ]
  Well I thought it was a pretty good poem because from what I understand she died quickly and was not feel'n the pain as she floated above herself and watched the town make a spectacle of themselves.
!Doc~
| Posted on 2005-01-23 00:00:00 | by dr_tigger | [ Reply to This ]
  Yo. No fvcking clue what your discription says but whatever. As many others have said the spelling does need work but its up to you to change that. I like the base idea but you have the same problem i have in convincing the reader of what your trying to get across. Good base tho ill give you that.
| Posted on 2005-01-12 00:00:00 | by Di Re Rakord | [ Reply to This ]
  Your terrible spelling isn't the end of the world, though it's at times hard to read it.

I liked how the witch fooled the crowd :)
| Posted on 2004-11-22 00:00:00 | by Lostinbeer | [ Reply to This ]
  I'm not sure what you want to hear from your readers with this. In your description you said you liked it so shut up. Well, then, I'm taking a chance here, because, dear, I didn't like it. It was muddled.

First, there is the GIGANTIC issue of spelling. Yes, it matters when the errors are to this degree. Words and sentences are the stuff of writing. If we're going to be considered good writers, we need to know what to do with them.

You began your poem talking about your witch being burned at the stake. However, it turns out the poem isn't really about the witch but about the people who have condemned her - only that isn't made clear. Your reader has to figure that out for themselves after they've finished the poem and still feel unsatisfied.

You need to decide what you really want to write about. If you want us to see the witch, then write about her. If you want us to see the crowd, then write more about them. I'd like to see descriptions of one or the other. What you've written here is a judgment against the crowd without giving us the evidence you've used to judge them.

Sorry, but I think this needs a complete rewrite - and frequent use of your spell checker! mae
| Posted on 2004-11-16 00:00:00 | by mae | [ Reply to This ]


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